I took a writing class in college and we were tasked to write about a true story. Some guy asked me for feedback on his work. I don’t want to be mean, but his story was about a fucking hike he went on, and how it was hard. After about 1.5 hours of editing I gave him my takeaway:
Me: Ok, well you definitely did a good job building the anticipation throughout, but the ending was too convenient. You’re hiking, and then you reach the end of the hike without any real obstacles. Story over. It left me expecting/wanting more.
His expression changes from proud to terrified – I imagine the same expression he had on the hike. I should have known he wasn’t looking for feedback – he looked like a guy who expects praise for making a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.
Cowardly Brian: No OBSTACLES? WHAT? Are you kidding me? It was steep and long!
Me: What are the stakes with a steep hike? None.
Cowardly Brian: I drank ALL of my water HALFWAY into the hike and was DEHYDRATED and my legs were about to GIVE OUT in the HOT sun!
I give him a dumbfounded, blank stare, which is the nicest response I could make after a statement like that. His legs were going to give out? Really?
Cowardly Brian: You just DON’T GET the story. Other people understand it.
He’s not wrong. Honestly, I DON’T get it. A hike was hard. The end. What’s the sequel? Praise he dressed himself in the morning? Validation he can tie his shoes?
Me: I thought you wanted feedback?
Cowardly Brian: I DO! You are just criticizing my work!
If I wanted to be critical in a hurtful way I’d share my true opinion of the story – that it felt like reading what it’s like being a pussy. But in writing sessions that seldom does any good, so it’s best to put personal tastes aside and focus on the overall writing effectiveness. He was really testing me on this one.
Me: Constructively.
Cowardly Brian: AT LEAST I DON’T WRITE ABOUT BEING A CRIMINAL.
I swear, one little story involving tequila, strippers, and the police, and suddenly you’re labeled a criminal forever.
…Note: NEVER believe people when they say you’re in a “no judgment zone.” Ever!
Me: You’re right Brian. At least you don’t write about it.
Cowardly Brian: Everyone told me it was SO good!!!
Me: Ok. Then keep it as is.
Cowardly Brian: I WILL!
He gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the semester.
***
Validation Seekers. These people are thirsty af. They salivate for people to tell them what they want to hear – they never seek truth or constructive solutions. They think clinging to words that feel good will somehow improve their circumstances, but they are only fooling themselves with this approach.
Seeking validation consists of…
- Fishing for compliments.
- Asking for feedback when you really want praise.
- Social media posts that are a cry for attention (over 90% of posts).
Seeking validation may seem harmless, but where is this act coming from? On the surface it may not seem like a big deal, but it’s rooted in some not-so-glamorous qualities. Consider the following, along with a much more effective and transformative way to handle this:
The dopamine rush
In Simon Sinek’s bestseller, Leaders Eat Last, he writes about the rush of dopamine we get from a like or compliment on a photo. The feel-good chemical that is released from drinking, doing drugs and gambling, being dopamine, is the same chemical people get from an ego boost. This means there is a physiological change in the body when we get praise, attention, and indulgence from others.
However, just as drinking one glass of wine does not make you an alcoholic, receiving kind words from friends doesn’t get you hooked. It’s seeking out indulgence that makes us become an addict.
Sinek gets into more detail about the science behind this in this video:
The times when Validation Seekers are not getting their usual dose of ego boosts, they hit a low and become depressed. Whether it be drinking or getting attention from others, a dopamine rush is a dopamine rush – the potential of becoming an addict is a very real possibility. When someone isn’t getting that usual rush they’ll feel depressed and inadequate because the chemical tolerance isn’t being met.
No Identity, no backbone
The Validation Seeker is attached to nice words – it is their mirror, it is how they view themselves. They lack the backbone to have conviction in who they are and instead seek out others to serve as a crutch for their self-image. But when peoples’ opinions change, when people choose not to indulge them, the Validation Seeker will have no idea who they are.
If they had an identity they would not need to go out of their way to have other people confirm who they are. They’d be too busy being who they are. But that is not the case with the Validation Seeker.
Thin-skinned
The more validation you seek, the more you will be easily crushed by criticism, whether constructive or disingenuous. The more of a high you feel from the indulgence of others, the more of a low you will hit when the not-so-nice opinions get back to you.
Over time, Validation Seekers grow dependent on the compliments, but when adversity hits they are the first to cower. They’ve invested their time riding other people’s words rather than building their own resilience. Their lack of identity to stand on will make them easily rattled to the slightest inconveniences.
Incremental entitlement
The Validation Seeker becomes the person at work who completes their assignment and expects to be praised for it, just because they tried.
Completing the assignment, putting in the effort is meeting the minimum requirement. Effort alone does not deserve praise. Going above and beyond does.
This person will begin to assume that they’re special which comes with a multitude of problems.
Seeking validation makes you complacent with your goals.
It is no coincidence that people who reach the top in their field rarely stay at the top. If praise and indulgence from others truly fueled us then nobody would ever lose their drive and tenacity once at the top.
The opposite is true – praise can soften us up. It can give us a reason to take our foot off the gas. It can instill one of the worst frames of mind: the “I have arrived” mindset. The praise can cause us to overestimate our abilities, all while the hungry, disciplined, and determined individual is making strides to surpass you.
Encouragement and praise don’t fuel us, incentive does. Real incentive – not an incentive to be liked, to have more money, more status. An incentive that comes from a mission that is far greater and more meaningful than such surface-level pleasures.
You begin developing your craft around pleasing others rather than listening to your inner-voice.
Your inner-voice is the creative, authentic side of you coming out that makes your craft original and distinct from others. This voice takes your unique set of experiences, combined with your strengths and talents, and creates something truly special.
When we get past the ego we become connected to the Self.
But when we focus on getting everyone’s approval around us we lose touch with this creative, innovative sense. Seeking out validation for your work dulls the inventive, the bold, the exploratory voice we all have inside us. Centering your work around praise over purpose will make your craft flat, conventional, and forgetful. The potential for creating something truly amazing is no longer possible.
Validate yourself
Learn to validate yourself instead of relying on others to play that role.
Validating yourself is not giving yourself an ego boost, rationalizing a lie to feel better about a tough truth or comparing yourself to others to feel superior.
Validating yourself is having a sense of self you can always fallback on when things get tough. It is an appreciation and self-respect that is built over time. It’s being comfortable with who you are and owning everything about you that makes you unique. It’s being able to look at your weaknesses and shortcomings without self-loathing, but rather a drive to grow stronger.
It’s empowering self-talk. Think back to the times you summoned incredible strength and remind yourself that you’re a badass. This isn’t filling your head with a false truth – it’s referencing facts, not to feel better than others, but to rise above the challenges life throws at you. We are all great, unstoppable, when we unleash the human spirit.
To truly validate yourself, you must get past the ego
Think of being ego-driven as a hurricane going on at the surface of the ocean. On the surface of the storm dwells the lies we tell ourselves, the self-loathing we fall into, the superficial pleasures we seek, the need to feel perfect. You can’t escape this storm by swimming against it – you will only be consumed by the chaos.
People that seek ego boosts to feel confident only become more insecure. They’re living on the surface. All seeking ego boosts do is create a fragile ego, and make someone less confident.
But no matter how chaotic a storm is at the surface, when you dive into the deep sea there is a stillness and calmness to it. The tranquility of the deep sea is unaffected by the chaos from the storm. You’re living for purpose, for things deeply meaningful to you, for things that make you come alive. A petty, short-lived ego boost is no match for the fulfillment for living for your purpose
The chaos at the surface makes us focus on what’s directly in front of us, causing shortsightedness -being a prisoner of the moment, immersed in worry, anxiety, and fear. In the deep sea, everything is clear. You see past the obstacle, you see opportunity in difficulty, you cultivate toughness under tension.
When you get past the ego, you enter the deep sea. This is where you truly validate yourself – despite outside circumstances, despite what others are saying about you, having a sense of self you can always fallback on will keep you in a constant flow of tranquility. Meaning and purpose are only cultivated within, not from other people’s words. Dive deep and you truly validate yourself, appreciate who you are, and live for something great.
More on the deep sea metaphor can be found here.
Principle: Let go of seeking validation from others. Validate yourself instead.
Validate yourself by choosing to appreciate who you are in the face of scrutiny and discouragement.
Validate yourself by returning to your mission, and putting your energy into that.
Validate yourself by not always deferring to people and being okay with saying no.
Validate yourself by embracing the things that make you unique rather than hiding them.
Validate yourself by being true to who you are day in and day out.
Validate yourself by using empowering self-talk rather than defeated self-talk.
Validate yourself by being okay with looking at your shortcomings, weaknesses, and flaws, and using them as fuel to grow stronger rather than feel inadequate.
Validate yourself by speaking up for yourself and others, because self-respect should never be compromised.
Validate yourself by never making excuses when you weren’t at your best, but by making a true commitment to improve.
Validate yourself by stepping up to the challenge when life hits you hard because you were born for this.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Validating yourself with filling your head with an ego boost.
- Depending on other people’s words as a crutch for your identity.
- Going halfway – only selecting which tough truths you’re willing to look at and not the full spectrum.
Key Takeaways:
- We get a dopamine rush when we receive indulgence from others, making it highly addicting if sought out too often.
- Seeking out validation over time softens you up, can cause depression, creates entitlement, and sets us up to aim for praise over purpose with our goals.
- To truly validate yourself you must get past your ego and focus on things that are deeply meaningful.
Taking Action:
Your task is to twofold:
First, you must specifically identify positive qualities, habits, and/or principles you follow that you can appreciate about yourself. Perhaps you’re strong in maintaining your composure under stress. Maybe you embody being disciplined each day – appreciate those qualities but don’t indulge in them. This will give you a sense of self to fallback on when things get tough.
Second, identify other qualities, habits, and/or principles you would like to integrate into your life and take actionable steps to reach them. Shallow, superficial pleasures can vanish instantly, but qualities – being kind, disciplined, courageous – are eternal if you choose them to be.
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no one wants the truth yet they continue to ask for it. Very well put!
My younger brother recently had a heart attack and survived it. There are too many rules to social norms. Mind body soul has less meaning now. Keep your eyes on Jesus. People will fail you day after day. Even in loving relationships. So what to do? Just love and a 357 magnum helps.