Why You Need To Stop Counting On Other People6 min read

The image in my mind never gets old:

I wake up on the floor, but don’t know how I got here. The last thing I remember was contemplating if I were still anemic or not. I open my eyes and realize I’m in the living room. How did this happen? I thought. Confused, but not surprised. I feel the same stabbing abdominal pain. Every inhale excruciating. Every exhale dreading the next breath. But I hear something more unsettling.

There was a group of people over when this happened who saw me passed out, but didn’t say anything. In fact, when I woke up, they laughed. The inability to function like a normal person on the day to day – it was all a joke to them. They’d been entertained.

This wasn’t a one time thing – people indifferent to the battles I’d been fighting. I resented this for the longest time. They never understood the struggle, therefore they dismissed it. And therefore they didn’t care to help. In fact, during this low, the few people I opened up to about the disease were repelled by it. They quickly kept me at a distance.

But, these grueling moments, were golden moments.

When life hits you in the mouth, is your initial instinct to run to others, or to dig deep and find an inner strength? One of the best things to happen to you is to get knocked down, and have no one there to help you up. You’re not here to have other people fight your battles for you.

I know this post isn’t for everybody. Many people will object to this. But this post is written for the small percentage of people that are willing to endure the challenging road to be their best self. This post is written for the do-ers of the world, the people who are “all in” on overcoming their challenges.

When you don’t seek help from others, you have no choice but to turn inward and find a solution. There isn’t anyone to sugarcoat your problems. There isn’t anyone to hold your hand. I saw my weaknesses. I saw the truth. And seeing this gave light on who I needed to become to will myself forward for the next battle. It meant, develop growth, and you will develop strength. Be self-reliant, and your instinct will be self-belief, not self-doubt, in times of uncertainty.

If you expect people to help you up when you fall, then I am sorry to say you will live a very disappointing, resentful life. But if you develop the type of self-reliance that believes turning breakdowns into breakthroughs is within your power, then there is isn’t an obstacle that can break your spirit.

Everyone has their struggle. The only difference is that some let it defeat them, and others let it fuel them.

Certain qualities can only be built by facing these battles on your own. You don’t become resilient when you are depending on others to fight your battles for you. You don’t develop courage if you run away from facing your demons head-on. You need belief in unbelievable situations. Certainty in uncertain moments.

This post is not meant to be pessimistic about seeking help from others. It’s meant to challenge you to turn inward and believe your abilities alone can rise above the challenge.

Even the most supportive people can’t be there for you every waking moment. They may have their own family to take care of. They may have their own mission they’re pursuing. They’re going through their own battles too, you know.

The most important point here is not to immediately go to someone else for support when something bad happens. Make it a habit to turn inward and focus on what you’re willing to fight for. Who are you willing to fight for? Use that as your strength to fight this battle. Don’t underestimate what you can do.

I am not saying don’t ever go to someone when you need help. Real friends are there for you in times of need. But don’t make it the default response. Form a habit of not going to a friend the moment adversity hits.

Because for those select times when life hits you really hard, you can go to those friends and they will know you legitimately need help. Don’t cry wolf over and over. If you do, then people won’t take you seriously – and when the serious problems arise, they may not be there with the same urgency. If someone constantly cries help with trivial matters, how can you expect people to be there as urgent if they rarely ask for their help?

Make it very rare to ever go to someone in an emergency. Because if you do, it may be what saves you. Let me explain…

I hope they were entertained…

There is a crisis going on in my home. I invited some guests over but now drama escalated out of nowhere. People are screaming, going batshit crazy, and pulling out knives on each other. They were bitch-ass pocket knives, but whatever. I don’t know how to explain it, but I knew there was one person who could diffuse the situation seamlessly. I thought it was a longshot, but I made an urgent phone call:

Friend: Hello?

Me: Get. The fuck. Over here. Now.

Friend: Coming.

I had no idea when she’d come, but things got even worse. Minutes later a guy found the butcher knife in the kitchen and pointed it right at me. Time freezes and everyone becomes a spectator, as if they’ve found something entertaining to watch. The knife is inches away from me, and the look in his eyes are stone cold. Right then my friend walks through the door, and the guy’s face dops. He lowers the knife and she started talking sense into him. It was like he snapped out of some trance.

It had to have been less than ten minutes from when I called. We’d known each other for years, and when she picked up the phone, she said she’d never heard me speak in that tone. Nothing more had to be said.

I’d never asked her to do anything urgent like this before, and never have, since. Do you think if I went to her every time something went wrong that she’d show up so soon?

It may sound counterintuitive, but if you make it a habit to turn inward when adversity hits you instead of going to others for help, during the times when you need someone’s help, they will be there for you. Most adversity, believe it or not, we can endure independently; but there are times when a true friend can bail you out. Those times should be used sparingly. My friend who saved the day, we’ve known each other for over ten years, and I’ve only come to her once in a time of need.

Principle: When adversity hits, instead of running to others, turn inward and focus how you can overcome the challenge.

Don’t turn to others to fight your battle for you. Certain qualities – resilience, courage, discipline – can only be built when you face your demons alone. The weak turn to self-pity in times of hardship. The strong turn inward and find a way, no matter what. The grueling moments are golden moments.

The most reliable source of strength is you. An unbreakable will comes from within. Stop counting on others, and count on yourself.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Rationalizing why you shouldn’t face your demons independently.
• Resenting others for not helping you.

• Underestimating your abilities.

Key Takeaways:

• One of the best things to happen to you is to get knocked down, and have no one there to help you up.
• You’re not here to have others fight your battles for you.
• In rare occurrences, it’s okay to go to others, but don’t make it the default response.

Taking Action:

Next time you’re faced with a challenge, turn inward and focus on what you’re willing to fight for, who you’re willing to fight for, and summon that as your strength.