I’m at a job interview to be a tutor for high school kids and some random guy sits next to me. I realize he’s my competition… He looked like he got dropped off in a tractor. He had a fuckin mullet and was wearing boots to an INTERVIEW. He was probably a rusty 5’8” but…
If I had to give an award to the most ratchet grocery store, it would certainly be Vons. There are always little shits running rampant, customers crying because their coupon expired, lines moving slower than a virgin on prom night. Surrounded by Chex mix, Cheez-its, and Gushers, I realize I’m in the wrong aisle, but…
Classmate: Uhhh, I read your paper. Me: Shit. Why would you do that? Classmate: Um because we were supposed to. How the hell did you come up with that? Me: What do you mean? Classmate: You wrote about strippers, a frog held hostage, and had random rap lyrics throughout. Me: Don’t forget about cocaine and…
Ash: I’m on my way. Me: Ok see you soon. Ash: Let’s tone it down a bit tonight. Me: Why? Ash: You know why. Me: What’s the worst that could happen? Ash: Let’s see. A repeat of what’s happened already three times this week. Me: I suppose… Ash comes over and we start hanging out….
I’m at the gym and a friend asks me about deadlift form. Me: I’m not that great at deadlifts, but using a slightly wide stance has worked best for me. Suddenly, some crossfit know-it-all’s head perks up. Crossfit Guy: OH!!! YOU MEAN SUMO! I’m instantly annoyed. What level of Dipshit do you have to be…
Sara: How are you and Fiona? Me: Oh wonderful. Fiona is super caring and thoughtful. She’s always doing nice things and favors for her friends and family. Sara: Awe that’s sweet. I’m happy for you two. Later that day… I’m walking to the car Fiona is sitting in and I overhear her on the phone:…
I’m not really the guy to pick up on girl’s type, but we all have our moments: I’m in the library not doing any work and something catches my eye. A girl. She had blond hair and a was wearing a shirt that said “Pink” that wasn’t pink at all. I don’t think twice and…
The “life is a marathon” phrase has become well accepted and commonly used, but is it truly the best representation of how we should approach our goals? Are the characteristics of a marathon truly superior to the characteristics of a sprint? I believe approaching life in the lens of a sprint over a marathon is far…
I made a questionable decision to let someone drive my car who hadn’t driven in like four years. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It couldn’t be that bad. It was that bad. We approach a red light: Trixie: OH MY GAWWWD WHAT DO I DO? I kid you not, she really said…
“We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who don’t” – Frank Clark Guy: I don’t watch sports. The Illuminati is behind it all. Me: How is that possible? Guy: All athletes go through an initiation process with the Illuminati in exchange for natural talent. He said it in the way…
