I’m at the gym and a friend asks me about deadlift form.
Me: I’m not that great at deadlifts, but using a slightly wide stance has worked best for me.
Suddenly, some crossfit know-it-all’s head perks up.
Crossfit Guy: OH!!! YOU MEAN SUMO!
I’m instantly annoyed. What level of Dipshit do you have to be to interject a conversation you aren’t a part of?
Me: No, not THAT wide. Just slightly more than shoulder-width.
Crossfit Guy: NO, NO, THAT’S SUMO!
He said it with such enthusiasm, just in case he disappeared and wouldn’t be able to annoy someone ever again.
Me: By the way, WHO are you?
Crossfit Guy: I’M IN CROSSFIT.
*ten million facepalms*
Me: Dude, shut the fuck up.
Friend: Chill Julian. He’s just trying to help.
Me: What? I don’t care about his opinion. He looks like a withered up Mona Lisa.
Crossfit Guy: STANDING. RIGHT. HERE.
Me: Sadly, this is true.
Crossfit Guy: I’ve SEEN you deadlift, and it’s HORRIBLE.
Me: I’ve never seen you before. And that was WONDERFUL.
Crossfit Guy: You act like you’re a rational person Julian, but you’re just as crazy as all the girls you date. You think you’re normal, yet everyone around you is crazy…right. You’re only fooling yourself.
…fuck man, he hit me with some truth right there.
Me: You’re dumb.
How’d he know? Because everyone knows. It’s become my reputation and is one of my huge flaws – being easily intoxicated by the exhilarating high and excitement of the moment. I compromise things I truly value in life in exchange for the rush and thrill of a good time.
I walk away, shamefully. Crossfit Guy continues explaining “sumo” to my friends.
For the record, I have nothing against people in crossfit.
But more importantly, I had no patience with this guy at all. It was a dipshit move on his part to interject like that, but I could have taken the stance to see if there’s any truth in what he was saying and learn. I could have let him share his opinion instead of shutting him down. I could have been more tolerant. Instead, I acted like an asshole.
The problem with not being tolerant of others
If we’re not tolerant of others we will spend a stupid amount of time being annoyed about trivial matters. It’ll become a pattern, an addicting pattern at that, of getting fed up over something and then running to a friend to complain.
But most significant, it’s also forgetting a much more important thing – that you’re likely just as flawed as that person, and to take offense to their imperfections is hypocritical. Think about all the passes
“Be tolerant of others and strict with yourself”
– Marcus Aurelius
The #1 thing to keep in mind that applies to nearly every situation is that you never know what that person is going through. You don’t know if the person recently lost someone they love, is battling a disease, is being discriminated against, or is in a financial crisis. To always hold people to high standards is putting unfair expectations on them. The people who criticize others when they’re not at their best during such lows, well, they better be f*cking perfect.
A big part about tolerating others comes down to being okay with people who are different than you. Because you’re full of ambition, and someone else isn’t, it doesn’t make them a bad person. Because you enjoy working out, and others are sedentary, they’re not commiting a crime. Because you love to learn, and others don’t, they’re not harming you in any way. They make decisions you wouldn’t make. So what? You probably make decisions they wouldn’t make.
Be comfortable with people not having the same beliefs as you, as long as they’re not harmful. It’s okay to disagree, but there is no need to be hostile to that person who thinks differently than you.
Tolerating others means…
Tolerating others requires vision: despite seeing that person at their worst, you still see their potential and all that they can be. You don’t lose sight of their positive qualities the minute they have a moment of weakness. Let their strengths and qualities be more influential than the momentary discomfort.
Tolerating others means not jumping ship the second someone isn’t at their best. It’s like being a coach – when an athlete performs poorly the coach doesn’t abandon the athlete – they know what their athlete is capable of and focus on the next step to reach that level. Even Steph Curry has bad shooting nights, even the strongest people have moments of weakness.
How do you expect to mentor, parent, teach, guide, and help others if you’re not tolerant of them? The seed to developing and growing is sprouting through the states of anxiety, discouragement, and utter weakness. Like the person you’re mentoring has to endure the lows, so do you.
Cutting somebody out of your life the moment they don’t act in the way you expect them to isn’t fair. Again, reflect on all the passes you’ve give yourself when you weren’t at your best. If we’re willing to give our moments of weakness a pass, then so should we of others.
Tolerating people’s flaws is like having a higher pain threshold – you can endure the discomfort of other people’s actions. So the goal here isn’t to simply absorb people’s BS, but to be able to endure their lows so you can enjoy their highs.
A way to make tolerating people easier comes down to always
Finding a middle ground
There are two sides to the spectrum: having zero tolerance of any mistakes people make, and then on the other side, being too tolerant where you have no boundaries. One will isolate you from people and cause you to be resentful, the other will position people to walk all over you.
If we tolerate everything then we are subjectifying ourselves to toxic people that will result in significant consequences. Ever so slightly, they’ll rub off on us and we will adopt similar mannerisms and attitudes they have.
I believe it’s crucial to get far away from someone once you see toxic qualities in, such as narcissism, being manipulative, greed, irrationality, extreme negativity, and many more. If you can connect their actions to a toxic quality then that’s where the line is crossed and you should leave their ass.
Irrationality is toxic, but pay high attention to detail with this one. We all have moments of being irrational. It’s only until someone has a frequent pattern of being irrational to determine that as a negative quality.
Finding this middle ground protects you from negative influences that will only bring you down. When we cut out the toxic people, it makes room to be more tolerant and patient with the ones that matter most in our lives, so we never let them go.
Principle: Be tolerant of others, but maintain your boundaries.
If you can be more tolerant of others, many other principles will be easier to follow such as letting go of the need to justify yourself, not taking everything too seriously, finding humor in the moment, being cheerful, never ruining an apology with an excuse, being above the emotional vortex, among many more.
What’s more practical: expecting people to never have a bad day, to never say the wrong thing, to never make a bad decision, or, being patient and seeing the positive qualities in others even while they’re not at their best?
Now imagine what it would would feel like when someone is tolerant with you: One day you were stressed and acted in ways that you later regret toward the person you care most about. You’re afraid they may not look at you the same, that they’ll give up on you and abandon you. But this whole time they never lost sight of the unique person you are, all that you can be, and all that you are becoming, even while at your worst. Isn’t that someone you’d want to be around when you’re at your best?
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Responding with an impulsive reaction in the moment.
- Holding people to unfair, unrealistic expectations.
- Tolerating everything and not setting a boundary.
Key Takeaways:
- Being tolerant of others requires the vision to never lose sight of someone’s positive qualities even while they’re not at their best.
- Being tolerant of others is like having a higher pain tolerance to the day to day discomfort.
- Never forget – you have flaws too, and to take offense to someone’s imperfections is hypocritical. Think about all of the passes you’ve given yourself when you weren’t at your best. Be fair to others -be patient and give them a pass, too.
Taking Action:
Focus on the positive qualities of those who matter most to you and never lose sight of them.
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