Sara: How are you and Fiona?

Me: Oh wonderful. Fiona is super caring and thoughtful. She’s always doing nice things and favors for her friends and family. 

Sara: Awe that’s sweet. I’m happy for you two.

Later that day…

I’m walking to the car Fiona is sitting in and I overhear her on the phone:

Fiona: WHAT? OH. MY. GAWD. SARA IS A PIECE OF SHIT. A PIECE OF SHIT. HOW DARE HER. I’M THREW WITH HER. DONE………BECAUSE SHE’S A PIECE OF SHIT.

This was a rage I’d never heard before. Fiona was always saying nice things about others, going out of her way, and being overall very kind. It was odd because Sara was one of her close friends. Sara must have really done something fucked up. 

Of course, my dumbass believed this.

Next week:

I’m at Fiona’s parent’s home. We’re outside and Fiona is leading a yoga session with her friend and I, but we come to an abrupt change:

Fiona: DADDDDDDYYYYYYYYYY. CHANGE THE SONGGGGGGGG.

Hearing a grown woman call her father “Daddy” was definitely odd to me.

And not like that broke our Zen or anything. The song changes getting us back into the yoga spirit and we start doing the dog pose. One minute later there’s another pause.

Fiona: DAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDYYYY!! ANOTHER SONG.

Fiona’s Dad: Ok honey!

Was this a joke? I had no clue. Maybe she was putting my Zen to the test. I accept the challenge and focus on my breathing.

*30 seconds later*

Fiona: DAAAAADDDDDDDDYYYYYYY!! MAKE IT LOUDER.

My advanced people-reading skills hint that Fiona might be the slightest bit annoyed. Sometimes I’m psychic like that.

Fiona: DADDDDYYYYY WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG??

The volume increases.

Fiona: Ok, now seeeeeee into your third eye…

***

People are constantly showing you who they are. It doesn’t take adversity or some dramatic event to discover this – they are constantly “leaking” their intentions and showing you their true colors. The smallest inconsistencies in a person’s character are the largest indicators of their true nature.

Failure to notice this can be the difference between being stuck dating a crazy and finding the right person. Even your closest friends may secretly resent you – but learning a few things to be aware of can save you years of pain. Pay less attention to the words they say, and more attention to the following:

See past the front people put on

Fiona demanding her dad to change the song/volume like a slave should have revealed to me she’s overall demanding with people around her. But nope – being a clueless dumbass I ignored it.

Do not fall for the aura that person seems to give off. Their manner, their presentation, their image – it’s nothing but a persona. You must look past the front and see any actions that contradict it, no matter how trivial. You need to trust the smallest inconsistencies are showing you who they are, and never dismiss them. The subtle nonverbal clues people leak – a glance of disgust, a dull look in the eyes, a subliminal message – should have your full attention. 

Most people are too attached to appearances and cannot see past the front. But make no mistake – the more attached to appearances you are, the more likely you are to be deceived by them. Those who fixate on appearances are most easily fooled because they focus on manner over motive.

We are not as good at identifying first impressions as we think. Snap judgments are nothing but an accumulation of our biases from previous experiences. Let go of your assumptions, both good and bad. View your surroundings through the lens of a child. A child-like curiosity isn’t judging someone as good or bad – they’re absorbing everything around them. Opinions, judgments, and assumptions are all suspended in time. Focus on people’s actions over appearances without judgment and you will see past the front people put on.

Pay attention to what goes unplanned

This is where a person’s true nature leaks out. There isn’t enough time to react to something unplanned while maintaining the front they’re putting on. The unpredictability and unknown of what happens next forces the person’s real character to show up.

Something going unplanned doesn’t mean it’s something significant. It can be everyday unexpected events:

A waiter getting an order wrong:

Do they throw a fit, or do they kindly point out the order was wrong and request a new serving? (If they’re one of those assholes who eat 95% of the food, then complain their order was wrong and demand another dish, run for the hills).

Anything that requires extra patience:

Waiting in line. Being caught up in traffic. Food taking longer than usual to be made. Does that fun, “free-spirited” front turn into shortsighted impatience? Or do they find something entertaining to focus on in the moment?

When something that couldn’t have been anticipated happens, the true character comes out. Look for the slightest change in the persona. This will either illuminate their good nature or expose the lack of it.

The first expression tells all

*This may seem to contradict the first section saying to detach from appearances to see past the front, but bear with me for a few paragraphs.*

How someone feels about you is shown in the first reaction. Watch their first expression. This expression can be the look on their face, or the position of their body. An inadvertent eye roll, a shift in body language when you speak, or sometimes a look of contempt for a second or two.

People can say nice things, but if they dislike you their contempt will leak out in a mere glance. Once they give this glance they will quickly cover it up with a fake smile and charm. Don’t be fooled by the cover up – it’s all meant to disguise their true feelings.

Watch how they respond in a group setting. What’s their first expression when other people talk? And then when you speak is their expression any different? Their eyes will tell you everything: do they light up, or do they become dull?

Perhaps their eyes only light up when a topic is about them. Whenever someone else speaks they’re dull and maybe check their phone. This is an indication of someone who is self-absorbed and should be a red flag to keep your distance.

Important Distinction: The distinction between this section and section one is this: detach from putting much stock on the persona a person puts on – their aura, their manner, the image they’re projecting – and pay maximum attention to their initial nonverbal cues – their voice, their posture, the look in their eyes. A front can play on your emotions and can deceive you; nonverbal cues are more straightforward and action-based. The persona a person puts on can be performed, but the nonverbal cues are much more telling. 

Even for those people who are really good at acting out a charming persona, it is impossible to hold a fake interest for an extended period of time without leaking true feelings. For example, their facial expression may look relaxed but the body may seem anxious, such as tapping their foot constantly. They may nod or even raise their eyebrows when you speak, but their body seems detached and uninterested. Even if their posture is “performed”,  it will appear strained and unnatural. The body never lies.

This isn’t all bad, because it also reveals the true friends you have: their eyes light up the moment they see you. When you speak, their body shifts toward you. They look at you with admiration. They’re fascinated with the smallest of details about your day. They see qualities in you that even you were unaware of. You inspire them, and they inspire you.

What’s not being said?

What’s something that person typically does around you that is absent this time? Maybe they’re typically interested in your ambitions in life but showed little to no interest in them this time. You walked away with an odd feeling – they were polite and kind yet their usual demeanor toward you seemed off.

A mistake I have made is noticing this but feeling that I am overthinking it and dismissing it. If you notice something missing, something unaccustomed happening, trust your gut instinct on this.

What isn’t being said can be a subliminal message. Perhaps this person may be holding on to something you did recently, or weeks ago that they took offense to but haven’t spoken up about.

Perhaps you’ve been making progress in life – you’re getting healthier, your career looks bright, and you’re reaching personal goals. Suddenly the usual support and enthusiasm from this friend vanishes.

Sometimes “friends” don’t want to see you move up in life – they want you to stay exactly where you’re at. If you notice their usual encouragement and support to disappear when you choose to better yourself, they never wanted you to succeed in the first place, and may secretly envy you.

Pay close attention to those who don’t clap when you win

– Unknown

People communicate endless things with what they don’t say. The key to interpret the meaning behind what’s not being said is by being aware of the context. Every situation is unique, so having an understanding of the circumstance, a person’s history, their personality, recent events, and any other potential influences will be most helpful.

Slip of the tongue

Guy: I can’t wait to do my presentation on anal sex…uh…I mean Malcolm X.

A slight slip of the tongue, known as a Freudian slip, can reveal what that person was thinking about in the moment.

Or if we want to go a bit deeper – an unintentional comment that seemed to have come out of nowhere may be a truth that individual isn’t even aware of. Such comments are believed to come from the unconscious mind, a space where our true feelings and intentions about things live beyond our recognition.

Don’t let them go unnoticed, but also be careful of jumping to conclusions on this one.

Principle: Never dismiss the small inconsistencies in somebody’s character.

Keep in mind that this isn’t limited only to taking note of other people’s intentions toward you. Where do you reveal an inconsistently in character? When something unplanned happens, how do you respond? What’s your first expression/response when you see that person? And especially, what type of persona or front do you put on?

This post isn’t solely meant to spot negative qualities in people. It’s neutral. It’s not only about protecting yourself from those who may not be the best quality partner or friend – it’s also meant to illuminate the wonderful people out there, so that once you see them, you never let them go.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• • Being too attached to the person’s manner, their presentation, the image they’re projecting.
  • Putting little stock in someone’s first expression the moment they see you
  • Ignoring what wasn’t said in your conversation with someone.

Key Takeaways:

• • The smallest inconsistencies in a person’s character are the largest indicators of their true nature.
  • Anything that goes unplanned will reveal someone’s true colors.
  • Pay less attention to the appearance of the persona the person puts on, and more attention to the appearance of the nonverbal cues (voice, posture, facial expression) a person reveals.

Taking Action:

Pay maximum attention not only to other people’s nonverbal cues and inconsistencies but also, your own.

A comprehensive list of what drives your ex crazy can be found here.

If you need a CHECKLIST to see if you’re dating a Crazy, then give this post a quick read.

If your ex has taken things up a notch and still acts like you two are still together, then this post is a must read for you.