For years, a couple of walls in my room were covered by a giant piece of paper. One wall was dedicated to people writing messages on it. The other wall was called “The Wall of Shame” – a space dedicated to writing all the stupid shit me and my friends would do, documented.
There was also a “Hall of Fame” section – meant to write about awesome stuff we did – but it was pretty much blank so it ended up being converted to an extension of the Wall of Shame for the much-needed additional space.
The Wall of Shame never failed to get a laugh. Everyone loved it. Well, except for one person…
Fiona.
Fiona and I had been dating for a couple weeks. Things were good. There were no public scenes being made, no beating people with a shoe. She was supportive, caring, and kind.
What could go wrong?
She comes into my room for the first time and immediately looks at The Wall of Shame.
Fiona: Hm. What is that?
Me: Oh it’s The Wall of Shame. My friends and I write down all the shenanigans we’ve gotten ourselves into.
She is silent for like 10 seconds, eyes studying the paper, full of disappointment.
Fiona: Um, I don’t like it. Why would you write these things down?
No one had ever laid eyes on The Wall of Shame with a straight face. Incomprehensible.
Me: Cause they’re funny.
Fiona: What’s funny about them?
I’m yet to find a solid response when someone asks you why something is funny. When you have to explain something that makes you laugh, it defeats the purpose.
Me: Most people laugh when they read I handed a cop the paperwork for a prescription medication when he asked for my registration.
She has a blank expression.
Me: Or the time I woke up naked covered in leaves next to a pool of throw-up.
Still stonefaced.
Me: Or when I got banned from the writing center in college.
…silence…
Me: …Or being held in contempt of court. All definitely Wall of Shame-worthy.
Still quiet.
Think of a time when you showed a friend a funny clip, and as it gets to the punchline you’re expecting them to laugh just as hard as you did. Only for them not to. This was like that.
Fiona: Hm. Just seems like something a kid would have.
Felt like a bit of a shot, but I tried to lighten up with a playful jab in return…
Me: Look who’s talking, aren’t you the one who yells “DADDDDDDYYYYYYY” at your father anytime you want something?
Yep, true story. I couldn’t believe my ears the first (of many) times I witnessed this.
Fiona: I just can’t see myself with a man who was has something like this in his room.
Me: Uh, ok?
Fiona: I think you should take it down.
Me: I’d rather not.
Fiona: Take it down. I don’t get it.
Time to change the subject. I think deeply. and consider all possibilities to get out of this mess of a conversation.
Me: Uh, how about we go to the park.
It worked. We went to the park, and the conversation about The Wall of Shame ended. But, Fiona brought it up a few days later. The more I thought about it, the more my opinion began to shift. I hate to admit this, but after a few weeks I ended up taking it down. For some reason, I’d convinced myself that it was a good idea to part ways with The Wall of Shame. More on what got me to do this in a bit.
When I told Fiona I took down the Wall of Shame though, she seemed the least bit happy.
Me: What’s the matter?
Fiona: Well, I’m tired of making the drive to Ventura.
I didn’t expect this one. At this point, we’d been dating for a month.
Me: Oh. Well, I’m not tired of the drive to Santa Barbara. It’s a half-hour and we split it up pretty evenly…
Fiona: Well I am. I think it’s time you move in with me.
Well, that escalated quickly. This went from being burnt out from a drive to asking me to relocate.
Me: We just met. I don’t like moving things too fast in a relationship.
Fiona: Either move in with me or it’s not going to work.
My eyebrows raise with the are you fucking kidding me? expression.
Me: You’re giving me an…ultimatum?
Fiona: It’s time to decide. It’s now or never.
Me: Well, in that case, the answer is a definite no.
We broke up.
But, hold your applause. It was only a matter of time before Julian to do something stupid…
I gather my shit and leave. A few hours later I’d realized that I left my toothbrush at Fiona’s. So, obviously, I needed to go back and get my toothbrush. What am I gonna do, not brush my teeth? Buy another? Nonsense. I’ll just make a quick stop and pick it up. Two minutes. I’m in and I’m out.
I really convinced myself with that 1st-grade logic. And no it wasn’t a fancy toothbrush, not even the kind with the cool bristles and shit. And here’s the thing: I definitely spent more money on the drive to Santa Barbara when you factor in gas, than had I bought a new toothbrush.
Imma dumbass.
I text Fiona that I need to get my toothbrush, and to my surprise, she does not hold it hostage. I show up, and…
…within 15 minutes we get back together. I know.
The honeymoon phase quickly follows. Endless laughs, excitement, and fun. But sure enough, in a week all of the unresolved issues resurface…
Fiona is quiet, so I know something’s on her mind.
Me: Is everything ok?
Fiona: I just wonder if you’ll ever be the man that’ll give me the life I envision having.
What the flyin’ fuck? Again, out of left fuckin’ field.
Me: What? We’ve only known each other for a little over a month.
Fiona: So?
Me: Look, you don’t know somebody in a month. You don’t even know who someone truly is in a year.
Fiona: I just don’t want my time wasted.
Me: How about we not fixate on the future and just focus on being in the present. Let’s focus on spending quality time with one another.
Fiona: Well I expect a ring on my finger in less than a year of dating. And I don’t know if you’ll do that.
Me: Ya, cause I won’t.
A year? I couldn’t believe my ears. What’s next? Tomorrow she says we need matching face tattoos or it’s over? This is getting out of hand.
Fiona: Well I’m 26 and I expect to be married and have kids by 30.
Me: And I’m 24, not 44. I’m not going to move things that fast.
Fiona: I have been manifesting this since I was 15. It’s what I’ve always wanted.
Me: Did you think to manifest some patience while you were at it?
Fiona: It just looks like you won’t be the man that’ll give me the life I want.
Me: Looks like I won’t.
We broke up.
And yeah, we got back together one more time. But that’s a different story for a different day…
***
Being pushy. Is it simply a matter of someone caring a bit too much? A slight character flaw, at most? Their intentions are in the right place though…aren’t they? They just want the best for you…
Hell no. Not one bit.
Being in a relationship with someone who is pushy can take years to recover from, even decades for some. People stay in the most toxic relationships because they allow their partner to push them around. The more they tolerate it, the more their self-worth diminishes. It truly is a sad thing.
Before you know it you will have sacrificed the most important things to you. It will seem to have happened in a blink of an eye – your goals, friends, family life and health are now all compromised. And there is a reason why this all happens seemingly out of nowhere. There is a psychology, a dark, manipulative psychology that gets people to give up the most important things to them, without even realizing it. And It’s not an accident – that person you who was pushy with you intended on this.
Failure to apply the principle in this post may result in waking up one morning, realizing that the most important things to you have been significantly compromised, or are downright gone. But, apply this principle and you can dodge the bullet that so many of us get struck by, and move toward dating someone who appreciates and contributes to the most important things to you.
Being pushy: what it means
What’s the point of including The Wall of Shame in this story? At first, it may seem insignificant – it’s just a big piece of paper Fiona wanted down. Cry me a river. Get over it, Julian. But that’s exactly the type of thinking that gets you to dismiss an early red flag – if someone is going to be pushy about something that doesn’t even affect them, imagine how pushy they’ll become once there’s some type of self-gain involved. That’s when the real damage takes place.
The biggest mistake people make when dating someone who is pushy is letting something “insignificant” slide in the beginning. Look what this led to: Fiona went from “take that piece of paper down” to “move in with me or it’s over” within weeks.
Here’s the thing – I didn’t take down The Wall of Shame out of appeasement, at least I thought I wasn’t. Fiona got me to believe I wanted to do this – it’s hard to explain. When my friends asked why I took it down, and I explained myself, they all had the same blank, surprised, unconvinced expression.
It’s still 100% my fault for being persuaded to do something that I didn’t want to do. I have no excuse. It is my fault that I agreed. I had the choice to say no, but I failed to do that.
When someone is pushy…
- They are only thinking about what they want
- They’re not respecting your boundaries
- They have control issues
- They’re not accepting you for who you are
- They are trying to mold you into what they want you to be
- They are being manipulative
- They will attack an insecurity to pressure you into giving them what they want
- They will claim what they’re being pushy about as something that is “best for you”
- They make you feel guilty if you don’t do what they want
It’s one thing to express if they think something could be a positive change for you – that is entirely ok – but it’s another once they start pressuring you to do it. That’s where the line is drawn. The moment they pressure you into doing something is the moment you know they don’t have your best interests at heart.
People that are pushy are adept at being convincing to get you to do what they want. They are masterful persuaders at making you feel guilty if you don’t give in to their demands. And in the worst cases, they manage to brainwash others.
What gets most of us to give in to someone being pushy is when it seems to be over a small matter. But that’s where the damage begins: if someone can get you to give in to their demands for something really small, they’ll progressively become pushier about things that really matter. Which brings me to the central point of this post…
The Boiling Frog Experiment
This is the classic Boiling Frog Experiment: if you put a frog in water that’s already boiled it will immediately jump out. But if you put a frog in room temperature water, and then very slowly bring it to a boil, the frog will stay in the water until it is boiled to death.
When someone gives you an ultimatum out of the blue it’s easy to say no to it – they’ve shown their cards, their intent is obvious. They’re driven by self-interest, and nothing else. It’s the same as throwing the frog into water that is already at a boil. It’ll simply jump out.
But when someone gets you to compromise on something small yet that’s important to you, that’s when we start to rationalize excuses to make it seem ok. And once we start rationalizing why it’s ok to sacrifice things that are important to us, that’s when we become the frog slowly being brought to a boil.
This is where people sacrifice the most important things to them without even realizing it. This is where seemingly in a blink of an eye, their goals, interests, health, friends and family life all become compromised. But it was anything but a blink of an eye, but rather a slow, progressive process. Beyond recognition, the most important things to them boiled away into oblivion.
When someone reveals they don’t respect your boundaries, it’s your job to act on what they’ve shown you. Don’t let it slide. Pull the plug. End the relationship. It is your responsibility to have the backbone to walk away from the relationship when someone shows they have little concern for what’s important to you.
You are better than that and should never have to invest time in someone who doesn’t respect the things that are important to you. You will have saved yourself years of pain, and have opened the door to that one special person who appreciates you.
Principle: Never tolerate dating someone who is pushy with you.
Dating someone who is pushy with you can take years to recover from. The people who tolerate dating someone pushy are the ones who inevitably wake up one morning and realize the most important things to them – goals, friends, family, health, important values – have been significantly compromised.
If you give them an inch, before you know it they will have taken miles. This is why you never compromise the principles and values you live by, even if it seems insignificant. It’s about the principle you’re standing up for. The right person will choose to be with you because of the principles and values you live by.
One of the most telling signs if you have someone worth dating is how they respond when they don’t get their way. If they still show you respect when they don’t get what they want, that is a major green flag. That shows character. If they still respect you when you say no, then you’ve got yourself a catch.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Falling for the “I think this is best for you” line when they’re pressuring you to do something.
- Putting belief into the guilt trips they send your way if you don’t give in to their demands.
- Taking the bait when they attack an insecurity once you say no – it’s all another form of manipulation to get you to react emotionally.
Key Takeaways:
- Someone who is pushy with you does not respect your boundaries, has little to no concern for what’s important to you, and is only thinking about what they want.
- If someone can get you to give in to their demands for something really small, they’ll progressively become pushier about things that really matter.
- The moment you sacrifice things that are important to you in a relationship – no matter how small – is the moment you become the frog slowly being brought to a boil.
Action Steps:
Say no when someone pushes you into sacrificing something important to you. Remain firm and avoid falling for the manipulation that will follow (guilt trips, attacks an insecurity, withdraws emotionally).
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