Whenever I walk into Vons I’m instantly put in a state of anxiety and shock. It’s like walking into the jungle – a bunch of savages with cortisol levels jumping through the roof. Pissed off seniors because their coupon expired. Children who don’t give a fuck if they cut you off. High-strung housewives who’d kill me with
I’m in line checking out and the cashier has a few observations:
Cashier: Ah. Grade A maple syrup. I see.
Uh, ok? This guy was a balding 40-year-old man wearing condescending glasses who looked like he spends his Saturdays going to Lowes just to feel better than others. He’d be that neighbor who leaves a sarcastic note at your doorstep claiming his property value is going down because you forgot to mow your lawn one week.
Me: What’s wrong with grade A?
Cashier: …oh, you don’t know the difference between grade A and grade B…?
Me: No.
Cashier: Well, you SHOULD. Grade A is synthetic hog wash. Grade B maple syrup is RICHER and THICKER. Grade B is GRITTIER and has a HEAVY maple essence to it. You should REALLY get grade B next time.
Me: Do you go to maple syrup tastings or something?
He does this pretentious scoff and scans the next item which is a steak.
Cashier: Do you know how to cook this?
He asked me like I was a twelve year old who is yet to graduate past the microwave. If you heard nothing but the sketipism and disbelief in his tone you’d think I was a mental.
Me: Uh ya I put it on a frying pan and let it get hot.
Cashier: No no no. Put it in the conventional oven. You’ll probablly cook it wrong with a frying pan.
If this guy got a tattoo it would say “Child, please” all over his forehead like he was a roughed up version of Tekashi.
Cashier: Are you sure you want to buy this?
Me: Sure.
He scans the next item, which is kale, and starts chuckling.
Cashier: Hehe. You are one of those. The “organic” type.
I know he’s waiting for me to say durrr wut’s the organic type????? like a mindless sheep. I’m not going to give that to him, so instead, I go on screensaver and ignore his bait.
But the anticipation is too much to hold in for this man, and once again, he vomits his advice at me.
Cashier: You REALLY shouldn’t go organic. You’re pouring your money down the drain. It’s all marketing. It’d be MUCH smarter to save that money for a wise investment.
…Yeah, for things like Xanax whenever this guy opens his mouth.
Me: More dollar bills for that ultra HD on Netflix, right?
Cashier: Oh, young people these days.
He’s like that obnoxious cat that always needs to have the last word.
Thankfull my items are finally bagged and just as I walk out I hear one last condescending chuckle.
This, and being bulldozed by angry soccer moms with their cart full of Capri Sun is why I hate Vons.
***
This motherfucker couldn’t last five seconds without busting his useless advice onto people. He was an Advice Monster – someone who vomits their advice the second a person opens their mouth.
We have all played the role of the Advice Monster though, even if it was with good intentions. Sometimes an answer to someone’s problem is clear in our mind and we blurt it out. Even if you are coming from a place to help, with time this can become a toxic habit. Consider the following why being the one to spit out advice really works against you, along with a simple adjustment to more effectively help people fix their problems:
The problem with being an Advice Monster
Newsflash: Not everyone wants your advice.
This applies even if you’re qualified on the topic. People are not always looking for advice. It does not matter if you’re a professional – it’s no guarantee that
Sadly enough, some people are addicted to complaining. They like focusing on the problem, feeling sorry for themselves, and even playing the victim in some cases. Even for those who are looking to fix their problem, they typically need to vent out what they’re feeling before they go into the take-action phase.
But Julian aren’t you giving out advice on this blog?
This content isn’t for everyone. I’m writing to an audience open-minded determined to make positive change who have a growth mindset. If I was being an Advice Monster I’d focus on writing content that everyone wants to hear in a conventional, sugar-coated, politically correct manner.
Your advice isn’t as good as you think.
This too applies even if you’re qualified on the topic. Spitting your advice out the second you get a chance comes from a place of assuming – you haven’t had enough time to factor in context causing you to miss important pieces of information.
It comes off as you’re judging if you spit your advice out at every opportunity. That person will eventually not feel like speaking freely around you causing you to miss out on even more important details.
You may know a thing or two, or maybe you’re highly qualified about the topic, but being an Advice Monster proves you overestimate your intelligence. This is because the best advice-givers listen first, and vomiting your opinion isn’t listening.
Assuming everyone wants your advice has some ego in it.
Ego comes in a thousand different shades. You don’t have to be conceited to have your ego interfere with your life. You may have the right intentions and be passionate about helping others. When the answer to their problem is crystal clear in your mind you say it immediately with the intention of helping. But repeatedly spitting out your advice is coming from a place of being a know-it-all. Consequently, the know-it-all mentality will slowly compound over time to and grow into much worse egotistical problems.
You are wasting valuable energy on people that may not be receptive in the first place.
Being an Advice Monster will tire you out – time after time spitting out your advice to countless people who were never looking for a solution in the first place. You will have spent time giving your thoughtful, heartfelt advice only for it to be ignored entirely.
Ask instead of tell
Some people say they give their advice because they care, but most are full of shit. They care more about being right and less about actually helping that person. If you are too resistant to ask questions and have a fighting urge to throw your advice out from the very beginning, then you care more about being right.
If you’re legitimately interested in helping someone then read on. Asking questions before throwing out your advice will benefit you threefold:
You filter out the people who don’t want help.
By asking questions you will be able to tell if that person is receptive to making positive change in the first place.The #1 giveaway if they’re looking for a solution or not is if they move toward being in problem-solving mode or stay in problem-focused mode.
By asking questions first you will be able to spend more energy on the people that seek help, and less on those that will ignore your heartfelt advice. This will relieve you from the anxiety and frustration that comes with dealing with people who want to complain but not fix their situation.
It creates a receptive space.
Spitting out your opinion can often make that person feel judged, but when you ask a question it creates a more receptive space. Watch how differently people respond when you ask a question that allows them to create a solution rather than be told what to do. It makes them feel empowered and in control with their circumstance putting them in solution-focused mode.
It will make a better coach, mentor, friend, partner, parent, and teacher out of you.
Asking questions forces you to articulate and convey your idea in a more succinct, easy to understand form. It’s harder to ask a series of probing questions that lead someone to discover a solution rather than telling them what to do.
By asking questions you will develop a deeper understanding of what you’re talking about and be able to teach it more effectively. You will also be more trusting as the person will feel less judged and more likely to be open to new ideas.
Pitfall: shutting your mouth isn’t enough to stop being an Advice Monster. If you have the expression that you know the answer before the person is finished talking it will have the same effect. The best way not to have this expression is by staying curious by asking questions until the very end.
Venting vs complaining:
Complaining is nagging at every little injustice and meaningless thing that took place. There is a negative energy to the person. They really don’t care about what you have to say. They want an audience to talk at. They’re seeking attention and pity rather than constructive, practical ways to improve their life.
Someone venting will be pissed, upset, or sad, but there is a determination in their tone. They may be angry but it’s a righteous anger. Anchored by a resilient spirit, they’re driven to overcome their challenge and willing to do what it takes.
Beware of the Askhole
Knowing when they’re receptive will help you avoid the dreaded Askhole – someone who asks for your advice but never takes it. This person isn’t curious for your advice, they’re just hoping your advice is in line with what they’ve already committed to. By all means, this person to be avoided. The more you are aware if they’re receptive or not, the less Askoles you deal with.
Which questions to ask?
I can only provide you with general questions as every situation is different. If you really know the answer to what your friend is facing then you should have a sense of questions to ask them that lead them to the solution.
After the venting is coming to a close, the first questions you ask should be centered around turning the conversation into problem-solving mode instead of problem-focused mode. Such questions can be:
What would a solution look like?
What are the pros and cons of that decision?
What do you ultimately want?
Whatever your solution is in mind, think of a series of questions that can lead up to discovering the answer. Each question is one step closer to the end goal. This will really test how well you know your topic.
Pitfall: asking a question that’s really asserting your advice. Ex: “Why don’t you just…” Going down this road is still being the know-it-all as it is another way of imposing your opinion.
When to give your advice
There are times you need to give your advice, and these are in high stakes situations. Your friend may be close to getting involved in business with someone you know isn’t trustworthy. A friend is seeing someone you know is bad for them – any type of decision your friend is about to make that you know could result in dire consequences is a time when you should share your advice.
If you’re always vomiting your opinion at everyone then people will naturally take your advice less serious. The good news
Principle: Instead of telling someone the answer, ask them questions so they can figure out the solution on their own.
People don’t like being told what to do. Instead, ask them questions. Asking questions makes the person feel less judged and empowers them to discover the solution on their own. You allow them to grow and develop critical thinking/creative problem-solving skills which they can use for future challenges.
Pay extra attention to where they spin the conversation. If you ask a question that is solution-focused do they keep returning to the problem? If so, then understand that
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Being more concerned with being right than helping someone.
- Assuming because you’re qualified in a field that everyone wants your advice.
- Thinking to shut your mouth is enough to stop being an Advice Monster. If you have the expression that you know the answer before the person is finished talking it will have the same effect.
Key Takeaways:
- Being an Advice Monster is ignoring the context of the situation, causing you to miss important details, ultimately making your advice inaccurate.
- Asking probing questions makes you better at teaching others, creates a more receptive space, and filters out the Askholes.
- The #1 giveaway if someone is looking for a solution or not is if they move toward being in problem-solving mode or stay in problem-focused mode.
Taking Action:
Ask instead of tell.
Subscribe For Fun!
Stay in the loop by subscribing for updates on future posts. ***Only for people that like fun. Boring people need not apply***
That was good I actually laughed pretty hard at that I could see it happening to you unfortunately. you should’ve given him the upper cut to the chin LOL then looked at him and said why please don’t try to follow me home and cook my dinner for me and then look at him like he’s a stalker. “ should I call HR ?” LOL just kidding great topic.
Super funny. I’ve experienced advice-monster clerks. Saying, “You should…” or “you need to…”. I should or need to not listen to that advice. “Do you go to [syrup] tastings?” That’s funny. Thank you Julian. As a professional that gives “recommendations” not advice, I appreciate your sharing interpersonal communications skills for life’s interactions. We all can be reminded of treating others how we want to be treated.