Washed-Up, Old Hags All Share This Same Quality8 min read

I’m at Barnes and Noble with a buddy and am immediately put-off by some dude I see.

He looked like a guy who goes to the strip club just for the food. He was wearing a stained wife-beater, basketball shorts with long black socks, and Nike flip flops. I imagine he provoked endless ‘what-are-you-even-doing-here?’ looks. I felt out of place just looking at him.

He sported a stupidly oversized soul patch that took up nearly half of his chin. But his bro-strut was one of a kind. He walked like a penguin in slow motion – the stick up his ass had to have been the size of the National Sequoia Forest. What a tool.

Me: Look at that sledgehammer.

Charlie: Sledgehammer?

Me: Yeah – the biggest tool in the shed.

Charlie: Haha…I know him.

Me: What a nightmare, I bet he is –

Before I could finish, my friend does the unthinkable.  

Charlie: Yo Chad! What’s up man?

I give my friend an are you fucking kidding me? look, but he is indifferent to it. He must have done it to get back at me for matching with his sister on Tinder. How was I supposed to know it was her with those crazy filters?

Chad looks up from the magazine I’d become convinced he was pretending to read and puts on an obnoxious ear-to-ear grin.

Chad: Charlie!!! HAHA! BRUUUUUH!

I give my best shot at trying not to die from being repulsed to the core.

Charlie: This is my buddy Julian. He’s into stuff like binging Gossip Girl and drinking strawberry daiquiris.

Charlie you motherfucker…I CAN’T WAIT to get you back for this one. That was a total lie, but whatever.

Me: Yup. All that stuff. Fer sure.

Charlie: So what are you doing here Chad?

Chad: I’m here to pick up Jocko Willink’s new book, Discipline Equals Freedom. I’m really gettin into –

I interrupt.

Me: You like Jocko?

Chad: Yeah, I like his message about being disciplined everyday. It’s all centered around improving yourself and being a better person.

Ugh. Why did you have to bring up one of my favorite authors…

We ended up having a thirty minute conversation. It pained me to admit it, but Chad wasn’t such a bad guy. He had a mission in his life and I can’t help but feel connected to anyone who is on The Path and living for their purpose.

He went from Tool to Cool.

A few weeks later…

Chad: You’re not at all who I thought you were Julian. When I first saw you I thought you were such a tool…

***

We’ve all assumed things about others, but if it becomes a habit we risk transforming into the sour old hag that nobody wants to be around. I took on the role of the Assume Whore that day, judging someone who’d done nothing wrong. It wasn’t right.

Washed-up old hags all share the quality of being an Assume Whore. They slut it up with condemning others based on their snap judgments.

We’re all told it’s bad to assume, but we’re not told what to do to fix this. The remedy has to be realistic and practical, so saying “don’t assume” isn’t helpful. This post is meant to show you the best way to make this process as simple and easy to apply as possible. But first, I’d like to mention the downfall of being too attached to your assumptions:

The Problem with Assuming

Your assumptions are inaccurate.

How accurate are others when they make assumptions about you? Chances are not too accurate. Most likely, they’re tied to labels, stereotypes, and can be quite insulting. Then what makes it okay to think you have people all figured out? If your response is “I’m observant” then I hate to break it to you, but you are one of the more unaware ones.

Actually being observant means factoring in context. It requires letting go of your biases and preconceived judgments in order to understand the complexity of each person.

Context takes time to understand. It requires paying attention to where someone is coming from, their circumstances, and their past experiences. Only then, once you factor in context, can you draw valid conclusions. But learning context is a slow process and cannot be accumulated on an immediate assumption.

Your assumptions are rooted in your biases, not actual facts.

If you had facts then you would have been paying attention to context, which means you wouldn’t have assumed in the first place.

Your assumptions are predicated on the mood you had that day.

People’s moods change moment to moment. Your assumption was largely tied to your emotional state – how is that a reliable way to measure the integrity of someone’s character on a day-in-day-out basis?

Clinging to assumptions is a low sign of intelligence.

Assuming things about people is lacking the intelligence to see beyond appearances. There is a shallow nature to assuming much about others, as they are usually things that appear on the surface.

It’s elitist thinking.

You know you’re in the presence of an Assume Whore when you hear someone say “I’m really good at reading people.” There’s a touch of arrogance to think such snap judgment holds any accuracy. It’s a know-it-all mentality that overestimates a person’s actual competence and understanding of people.

It blows things out of proportion.

One detail and you think you know that entire person. You connect them to someone who you think is similar and now you have them all figured out. It’s easy when we learn something new about someone to jump to conclusions, but we only lead ourselves astray when this happens.

When we assume, we are really distorting our vision – blowing the smallest detail out of proportion to where it dominates our mind. We lose perspective of who that person is and make them fit the bias we attach them to. When we assume, we see what we want to see, and hear only what we want to hear.

Luckily there is a very simple way to deal with this, and the advice isn’t to tell you to stop assuming…

How to fix this:

Obviously we’re hardwired to make snap judgments. To say stop making judgments is unrealistic. But the line here is drawn when you immediately disqualify someone based on some immediate assumption. Know that there is more to know. Choose to learn context before acting on an immediate impression.

The minute you feel yourself making a snap judgment or jump to a conclusion, acknowledge it but don’t put much stock into it. Remind yourself all those times people have assumed wrong things about yourself. You can still be aware of an assumption you have while not putting all of your faith in it.  Choose to be more curious rather than flatly disqualifying someone.

It is in our nature to assume, it’s how we are hardwired. So instead of going against your nature and suppressing this primal behavior (and being unsuccessful at it), go with it – be aware of your assumptions. Don’t fight them, don’t run away from them – be aware of them so that the moment you have that snap judgment you can remind yourself not to put too much belief in it.

Make sure not to confuse this with giving you the green light to judge people more. You can definitely reduce the frequency of how often you judge others, but eliminating it is not possible. While it’s important to judge less, for those moments you do have an assumption about another person come over you, instantly remind yourself not to put much stock into it.

If you try to fight your assumptions they will flank you and get you anyways. Welcome them and they don’t control you. Embrace them and you will become…

The Inquisitive Individual

The Inquisitive Individual is someone who is curious to know more. They have an exploratory mind looking to expand their knowledge of themselves and others.

The Inquisitive Individual is aware that they have assumptions which is why they cultivate a heightened curiosity – their assumptions are nothing but a roadblock to the untapped discoveries life has in store for them.

The Inquisitive Individual knows that there is no such thing as being an expert at reading people, which is why they are fascinated with context. No two people are the same – each person has their story and a unique series of experiences. Every situation, every circumstance is fresh.

The Inquisitive Individual has a sense of humility They do not let their ego inflate when they learn something new. Rather, the more they learn, the more they realize how much more there is to know.

The Inquisitive Individual keeps things in proportion. One detail about someone may be telling, but they know it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Principle: Be aware of your assumptions but do not put much weight into them.

When we put too much faith in our snap judgments we are no different from the sour old hags of the world. We cling to our biases and preconceived judgments and become the Assume Whore – slutting it up with contempt and negative projections toward others. Taking on this role we think we are seeing clearly, but we are only leading ourselves astray, blowing the smallest of details out of proportion.

But when you step back and focus on the context – the person’s circumstances, their past experiences, their beliefs, their values, where they are coming from – you delve into untapped discoveries. You develop a heightened interest, knowing that no two circumstances are identical, and this fascinates you. You become entranced in another person’s story. You become an explorer of people. You become the curious, the intrigued, the captivated. You become the inquisitive individual.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Being too attached and swayed by first impressions.
• Thinking “I’m good at reading people” (you’re only fooling yourself).
• Thinking to embrace your assumptions means judging people more.

Key Takeaways:

• We all make assumptions, but the line is drawn when you immediately disqualify someone based on an immediate impression.
• You can still be aware of an assumption you have while not putting all of your faith in it.  
• The Inquisitive Individual is aware of their assumptions, but chooses to learn context over relying on an immediate assumption.

Taking Action:

Catch yourself when you make an assumption and remind yourself to not put much stock into it. Instead, look for context.