I’m working out at the gym and some girl I don’t know makes a comment on my “outfit.”

Girl: Do you normally wear all gray?

Me: Just 50 shades of gray.

Girl: [Makes a reference to the book]

For the record, I’ve never read the book or watched the movie, I’m just familiar with the main premise the story is centered around.

Me: [Nodding, pretending to know what she is saying] Oh yeah, haha.

Her face lights up. I figure she’s struggling to contain her excitement.

Girl: Wow you’re fucking ignorant. You didn’t even read the book.

…seems like it’s not only physical pain she’s into inflicting as well.

My sorry attempt to bring some levity to the conversation resulted in causing an outburst. But am I going to let this experience prevent me from having a sense of humor in future encounters?

Nooope.

We all run into people like this every now and then. How do you react when takes out their anger on you? Perhaps there was a time you wanted to lighten the mood yet that one person shut you down. Or maybe you were to yourself, minding your own business, and someone shot an offhand, passive aggressive comment at you. Doesn’t feel so warm and fuzzy, does it?

People will try to shut you down for being yourself. But if we’re not careful, their words can tear us down without us even realizing it. Even the most ridiculous insults can silently chip away at our self-esteem. They plant seeds of doubt in our mind that linger around, working invisibly to eat away our self-worth.

We can point the finger and say the cause of this is other people’s remarks, or, we can search inside ourselves and determine how we can prevent this from happening. Imagine what life would look like that despite other people’s remarks, you’d remain anchored in your identity. That would be remark-able, meaning, you’d be able to choose which remarks matter to you, and which you don’t have the time of day for.

The goal of this post is to gain the ability to dismiss an insult the moment it happens. I’ve provided an unconventional way to make it easy for you to dismiss someone’s insult.

The How:

In his book, The Obstacle is the Way, Ryan Holiday paraphrases the words of Nietzsche which captures this concept perfectly:

“We see what we think is there, instead of what is actually there.”

This quote means that to see what is actually there, we need to remove ourselves from the situation and perceive what’s going on through an objective lens. And an effective way to think objectively is to define what’s being said – break it down as if it were a fact.

Facts have no feelings, and to see what’s really going on we need to suspend any biases or personal baggage that could be attached. The good news is, once you can objectively break down what’s being said, it will reveal the absurdity of that person’s insult, making it much easier to dismiss.

Let’s define 50 Shades of Grey fanatic’s logic:

I don’t read about BDSM, therefore I must be ignorant.

Clearly this statement makes no logical sense. She labeled me as ignorant for not reading her favorite book. But that’s not ignorance. Ignorance is mindlessly blabbing about a topic despite having very little knowledge about it.

If I do that, then yeah, I’m being an ignorant little shit.

Here are some examples of breaking down an insult someone may project at you:

You’re driven, therefore you must have no life.

• Quite the opposite. If you’re driven you likely have a mission in life that you’re pursuing, which gives your life more meaning.

You’re cheerful, therefore you must be naive.

• Hmm. Using that logic, would acting like a pessimistic, sour, washed-up old hag be considered wise?

You don’t believe an entire race of reptilian/lizard-people exists, therefore you are ignorant.

• Some people will consider you beneath them if you don’t have the same beliefs as them, no matter how radical they are. It’s easy to let their disrespect get under our skin, but when you define their logic, it makes it pretty easy to dismiss.

You enjoy working out, therefore you must be self-absorbed.

• Yes, there are self-absorbed people that work out, but there are also self-absorbed people who don’t work out. There isn’t any connection that valuing health and wellness causes narcissism.

You walk with posture, therefore you must be conceited.

• An arbitrary connection. Conceit and functional spinal position are not fundamentally related.

You nag the shit out of everyone, therefore you must be an asshole.

…okay well maybe if you do that you really are an asshole.

Some people’s insults can be pretty ridiculous, others can be slightly twisted. But when you break it down it shows there isn’t much logic being used, if any.

As said in this post, we should always reflect if there is truth to someone’s criticism. However, there are also times where someone is downright trying to hurt you. Since defining an insult gives you a clear lens of what’s being said, it’ll be easier to decipher if there is any truth in the statement or if that person is simply trying to get under your skin.

***

Principle: Break down an insult as if it’s a fact to reveal the absurdity of it.

Letting other people’s comments get under our skin only happens when we believe a part of that person’s words. Once we define someone’s insult and realize how irrational it is, dismissing that person’s words becomes easy.

This may be an unusual way to dismiss someone’s insult, but I believe it can help you handle the haters with ease. Running away from the haters will inevitably get you cornered at a dead end, giving you no choice but to face them. I believe if you can address the insults head on you’ll be much more at peace and clear-minded with where you’re at in life.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Assuming you’re always seeing things objectively.
• Being unwilling to remove personal biases or baggage from the problem.
• Not reflecting later to see if there was even the slightest amount of truth in that person’s words.

Key Takeaways:

• Even the most irrational insults can silently chip away at our self-esteem.
• Breaking down someone’s insult helps us see what’s being said in an objective lens.
• When you break down someone’s insult it usually shows there isn’t any logic in their statement.

Take Action:

What’s an insult someone’s projected at you recently? Remove yourself from the situation by defining what’s actually being said and it will reveal the foolishness in their petty games.