There are 5 types of minions you need to be fully aware of if you wish to survive the wrath of The Crazy Ex. This is The Crazy Ex’s army. A true crazy ex likely will use the blitzkrieg strategy by throwing all five minions at you at once – so you need to be prepared on all fronts. You can’t allow yourself to be flanked. Your fortress needs to be well guarded by knowledge of how to handle each type of your crazy ex’s minions, so they have no way to infiltrate your state of happiness and wellbeing.

I am defining “minion” as anyone willing to contribute to your ex’s goals of getting revenge on you. They are mercenaries, soldiers with unbridled loyalty in serving your ex.

Why they’re doing this is beyond reason. Their sanity is obviously long-gone if they’ve aligned with your crazy ex.

Birds to a feather…

The five types of minions, and how to defeat each one are as follows:

The Berserker:

I walk outside and see three seething faces of rage. Two feisty ladies, slender in nature but looked like they could spit fumes of venom when provoked. And then there was the boy who looked like he’s spent his entire life in a dungeon – definitely lacking vitamin D, squinty eyes,  probably spams online forums all day.  

Minion #1: LOOK! IT’S THE JERK-FACE-PIECE-OF-SHIT-FRAT-BOY

All Three Minions: HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA

Me: You forgot Cocky Douche Fuckboy who walks like he owns the world.

Minion #2: YOU STILL HANGING OUT WITH THAT RATCHET SOCCER MOM?

Minion Boy: HE ONLY HANGS OUT WITH RATCHETS. 

All Three Minions: HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA

They were like the opposite of Charlie’s Angels – a trio of unsightly beings serving an evil mastermind  (but still with the shitty acting). Not even a 7-year-old could fall for their pathetic attempt to be intimidating.

Me: I know, I can’t get rid of them. It’s almost as if ratchets follow me to where I live…

They were shunned for about eight seconds, which must have been a new record. I know, I couldn’t believe it either.

Minion #1: You’ll NEVER make the money Scarlett deserves. She needs a MAN who can provide for her.

Me: You’re right. She’s too expensive.

Three jaws drop in unison. I half expected Scarlett to appear out of the shadows and cause an earthquake.

I get into my car. I look in my rearview mirror and see The Fearsome Threesome snapped out of their paralysis. They’re yelling but I can’t make out what they could be saying. Maybe they’re trying to reform words again. 

I leave.

***

I was disappointed they never came back. My roommate and I made water balloons laced with fart spray ready to be unleashed from the rooftop at a moment’s notice.

The Berserker will come at you with a full head of steam to surprise you before you have time to think logically. They have an aggressive nature and try to use that to catch you off guard and intimidate.  They’re not crafty or cunning at all – typical name calling, insults, and tantrums. There isn’t any sugar coating with The Berserker – their intent is obvious. Their role is to come at you and blatantly call you out, hoping to put you in a state of anxiety.

Since Berserkers aren’t looking to hide their intent, they can travel in packs. But not to worry, a pack of Berserkers isn’t much more effective than just one. Often they trip each other up since they operate on an emotional frenzy. There isn’t cohesive teamwork in their approach.

Where The Berserker falls short is that they have no logic in their plan. Their plan is to overwhelm you with a surprise to get you to respond inappropriately. They rely on spiking your adrenaline hoping to get you to respond out of character.

You can’t be concerned with “telling your side of the story” and try to reason with this minion because they don’t care about understanding you. All they care about is adding chaos into your life by catching you off guard.

The Berserker thrives off of the element of surprise. Surprise attacks work because they trick your brain that you’re in danger which triggers a stress response. Your brain will feel like it needs to act with urgency.

When you fall into the trap of acting on the stress response you’ll mirror The Berserker’s impulsive nature and lose miserably. You can’t try to beat The Berserker at their own game. They want you to mirror their approach because then they will school you with experience. But if mirroring their approach leaves you defeated, what does this tell you?

The way to beat The Berserker is by taking the opposite of their approach. They’re reckless, you’re calm. They’re hysterical, you’re detached. They come at you with surprise, you’re bored with them. They operate on an emotional frenzy, you’re anchored in reason and logic. 

Since this minion is looking to get a reaction out of you, they’re easily defeated by inaction. Handling Berserkers all comes down to controlling your emotions and not getting sucked into the emotional vortex.

If you take the opposite of The Berserker’s approach then they’re without weaponry and will retreat to safety.

The Messenger

Minion: So what happened with you and Chastity?

Me: I’m not gonna water it down. She’s batshit crazy.

Minion: Oh, I bet. What’d she do?

Me: Lookin to get wifed up and I barely know her.

Minion: No way. How so?

Me: She’s lookin for a baby daddy – her goal’s to get knocked up and nothing else. Been a week and she made sure to let me know she’s with someone new. Swappin men like a pair of socks.

Minion: What a crazy. Has she contacted you since?

Me: Yeah…but I blocked her through text and social media.

Minion: She pissed?

Me: She’s furious. Narcissistic injury is a real thing.

What do you think happened next? All of that information I spilled went directly back to my ex. I’d talked to this guy multiple times, and he seemed pretty cool – definitely not someone I ever thought would be associated with Chastity. But this was the trigger for months of harassment and games to follow from Chastity. I was unaware I’d been tricked by The Messenger.

After a break up you may want to talk to someone who seems to “understand” your side of the story. Or you may want to vent and say what’s on your mind, completely unfiltered. Be wary if someone that happens to ‘come into your life’ out of nowhere wants to support you. That new and seemingly trustworthy person who appears to want to listen may be your ex’s minion undercover.

After getting to know you, they may initiate a conversation saying something negative about your ex, tempting you to bite that bait, just as I did.

This guy was clever – he knew I liked sports, so to establish a comfortability between us he’d talk about NBA and NFL headlines. His cunning tactic to get me to open up about something unrelated to my ex, led me to open up directly about my ex. This is a common strategy – this minion will know your interests and use that first to get to know you, but all with an ulterior motive.

The way to beat The Messenger is simple – don’t give your immediate trust to someone new who comes into your life after a breakup. Don’t fall for the “the universe has placed this person in my life at just the right time” deception. Any new person who comes into your life, watch every word you say. The Messenger is like a journalist – give them nothing noteworthy and then they go out of business quickly. Defeat The Messenger by giving them nothing to report back to your ex.

The Spy

I’ve written about this story in a previous post but it’s too fitting to pass up.

My friend was free for part of the day and I invited her over to my place, last minute (yes, a platonic relationship. It’s possible). I hadn’t told anyone she was coming over – she was just stopping by for an hour to hangout. But when my friend came home she had a new message on Facebook:

I KNOW you hung out with Julian today. You two should just get married. You’re perfect for each other.

Perfect grammar and everything.

There was no way she could have known this unless someone was actually spying outside my home. Could the person spying have been my ex? Sure. But I’d been catching some randoms outside my home recently. Don’t get me wrong, I’d caught this same ex outside my home, but that’s not to say she didn’t have an army of minions doing work for her.

My roommate, Harold, insisted shooting them with a bb gun, but I wasn’t crazy about the idea.

There is no for sure way to tell if you’re dealing with The Spy. This is a minion you likely have never met – which means they can be anywhere. Any places you go to often – coffee shops, gym, clubs, Pokemon Go competitions, LARPing meetups, or whatever else you’re into – they may be watching.

Of course The Spy is checking every little thing you post on social media. They may create fake profiles to friend you. And if they can see your profile, they’re definitely screenshotting posts. These minions are the “ghosts.” They may gather information about you for months without saying anything, and out of nowhere drop a bomb, often making it public about you.

Some people have said the answer is to change up your routine – don’t go to the usual places you go to. I say ignore that advice. That is running. And we don’t run from our problems here. We deal with our problems head-on. We learn to grow stronger, not look for easy ways out.

Running is giving the minions power. Your ex will see their tactics are working and close ranks.

The solution to defeating The Spy is simple: If your actions aren’t something you’d be proud of, don’t do them. Anytime you go out, or post on social media, assume you’re being recorded. Because you can’t identify an ex’s minion if you’ve never met them, you need to embody true integrity. The best way to cover your tracks is to not have any tracks.

Even if your actions are things you’re perfectly comfortable with – you may begin going on dates with others – The Spy will try to scrutinize you regardless. You have to ask yourself which actions you’re willing to live with, and which actions you wouldn’t be so proud of.

Handling The Spy is all about integrity. Running is not integrity. Running is hiding. If you’re a true person of integrity, then you have nothing to worry about. Live with integrity and The Spy has nothing to spy on.

The Super Minion

Out of the blue at 2 a.m. I get an angry text from my most recent ex. She’s referring to things that happened in another relationship I was in. I had no idea how she came across this information, and then it hit me:

Oh shit I thought. My ex just teamed up with another ex.

I did the most predictable and stupid thing next. I confronted the old ex who now was BFFs with my most recent ex. That was playing right into their hand. I looked like a fool, and their goal – seeing they got under my skin – was accomplished. And this was only the tipping point of more games to come.

An ex teaming up with your most recent ex is The Super Minion. This minion will simply reveal information about you to your ex that other minions wouldn’t be able to acquire anywhere else. These two exes develop an instant rapport because of a common goal they share – to break you. When both exes form an alliance it only strengthens the resolve and intensity of their mission to cause havoc in your life. This new born enthusiasm constantly charges each other up.

The Super Minion is like the advisor behind the scenes who influences the general how to attack. They’re not on the battlefield, but rather influencing the major decision maker – your recent ex – on how to strike at your most vulnerable point.

The Super Minion will reveal secrets and weak points about you to your ex. They’ll bring things up that happened 5-10 years ago that still may sting. They’re going to relay any possible vulnerable point about you and attack it viciously.

The way to defeat The Super Minion is done in private:

Your ex knows weak points about you, and when you put two exes together, you better be ready for a bomb to be dropped. The remedy to this is to be aware of your weaknesses and know how to counter them when provoked.

For example, if you get jealous easily there will be endless games of them trying to get you jealous. Given jealousy is a concern over something beyond your control, if you were to learn to focus on things that are within your control under stress, then the jealousy would subside.

You can’t control the pictures they post. You can’t control their romantic decisions. But you can control what you will give your attention to, and what you don’t have the time of day for.

This requires humility because you need to swallow any pride and be willing to take a cold hard look at areas you need to grow. What gets under your skin easily? Were there things an ex would say or do that visibly made you upset?

A large part of this is being comfortable with any negative things projected at you. When you can be insulted and respond with indifference or even a laugh, it’ll leave The Super Minion with shock.

You need to be aware of where you could be flanked, so by the time The Super Minion reveals areas you’re vulnerable, that former weak point will be fortified. When The Super Minion attacks a spot they’re convinced is a vulnerable point, but you show that you’re unfazed, it’ll demoralize them. The Super Minion will have lost their pull and will no longer be of any use to your ex.

The Chameleon

I’d been fresh out of a relationship, and I hate to admit it, but I didn’t say the nicest things about Daisy. Sure, I’d been hurt, but that doesn’t mean I should say someone’s batshit crazy or a sociopath even if they did sell their parent’s car while away in Bali. That’s not the point. The fact is it made me come off as a weak person by talking lowly about someone I’d cared about.

Little did I know, quite a few of my friends had made a new “friend.” One of my ex’s minions started building a rapport with quite a few of my friends. All while they were building a friendship, there I was saying negative things about my ex. Once again I’d been fooled, playing exactly into this minion’s hand – suggesting I’m the bad guy in this post-break up drama.

A couple friends ended up turning on me. You can say my friends shouldn’t have turned on me, but they were under the influence of The Chameleon. Their thinking had been twisted around. While I wouldn’t be so quick to give them a pass, you first need to understand the power of The Chameleon:

This minion will go after everyone but you. The Chameleon is the most dangerous minion because instead of tearing you down, they go after those you love. The Chameleon knows that taking away those closest to you is a type of emotional pain far worse than had they simply harassed you. It’s one thing for a minion to come at you directly and try to irritate you, but it’s an entirely different thing when your friends and family turn on you, leaving you isolated and alone.

The Chameleon can adapt to any person, in any environment, under any circumstance. They know what makes people tick and take the form of what people want to see. They blend in by establishing rapport and commonality, to the point where they can plant thoughts in others.

The Chameleon is smarter than coming out and saying they think you’re a bad person – they’re crafty. They’ll come off friendly and caring, showing genuine interest in your friend’s and family’s lives. They’ll play this charade for weeks or even months, only to make their inevitable move.

Once your friends and/or family start to trust them, they’ll plant a seed – an offhand comment about you, but they won’t directly say it – they’ll suggest it. They’ve mastered the art of insinuation and will make it seem like it’s nothing, only for the roots of their suggestion to grow in their absence. That seed they plant, your friends and family will think they came up with it themselves, which is where the real power of The Chameleon comes from. Since they never say anything directly negative about you, but rather manipulate thoughts, they essentially have no tracks.

This is a game of chicken. The way to beat The Chameleon is to never give in and start talking lowly about your ex. The first person to give in and come off as the bitter one loses. If you start talking shit and come off as sour about your ex, The Chameleon has won. The moment you become defensive or argumentative about your ex is all The Chameleon needs to make an impact.

You can’t obsess over who your friends are talking to. That will play right into The Chameleon’s hand, making you look like a control freak, likely confirming what the minion is suggesting about you. You need to play it cool and speak highly about your ex despite any pain they’ve caused you.

This is why you only leave a friend or two to talk to about how you truly feel about your ex, because suppressing what you feel isn’t the goal. Find one or two people who you can be unfiltered with. Put your trust in them.

The advantage you have is that it takes this minion time to build the rapport – if they come right out and start talking low about you then their intent is obvious and your friends and family will see right through it.

The window of time The Chameleon needs to build rapport is your window to shine and be kind and say positive things. Be proactive by saying positive things about your ex before their minion has the chance to brainwash your friends. Defeat this minion and you’ve just dismantled the heart and soul of your ex’s army.

Your Advantage

Your advantage is that there are only so many physical bodies that your ex can throw at you. But there is infinite power in reason and rational thought that will outnumber the minions and make them of no use to your ex.

How to overcome your ex’s minions is never about revenge. It’s about growing to be a stronger person.

Control your emotions and you defeat The Berserker.

Watch every word you say and you defeat The Messenger.

Embody integrity and you defeat The Spy.

Improve your weaknesses and you defeat The Super Minion.

Speak highly about others even when they’ve wronged you, and you defeat The Chameleon.

If you use each remedy in this post, not only will you fend off the minions, but you’ll grow into being a better person and a better leader. Fend off the minions not to get back at your ex, but to lead by example, not because you have to, but because it is your duty.