I show up at a friend’s home, and there is a surprise waiting for me. I walk in and there it is, in all its glory, looking irresistible. Looking delicious.

Cheesecake.

My weakness. It’s like crack for me.

Friend: I just made this, have a plate.

Me: No thanks.

His face drops.

Me: I’ve been a bit symptomatic lately, and the refined sugar and starch could trigger something worse.

His face goes from glowing excitement to appalling disgust.

Friend: Just try a piece, it won’t kill you.

Me: I’d prefer not to.

Friend: Fine. Guess you don’t care.

Here comes the guilt trip.

Me: Huh?

Friend: I spent time making that but whatever. Guess you don’t like what I make.

Me: Your desserts always taste good. But I could get abdominal pain from it.

Friend: From one piece? Yeah right. Don’t be so dramatic.

I leave. Personally, I don’t put up with anyone who’s insulted by what I choose to eat.

You may be thinking one bite wouldn’t hurt. But with disease, when you’re already symptomatic, the most subtle feeling of stress or smallest serving of unhealthy food can be the trigger to months of discomfort. I tried telling him that, but he chose not to accept that as truth. He chose to perceive it as an insult.

Has a friend ever taken something you said or did as an insult despite there being no intent to begin with? Perhaps there are times where we could articulate ourselves better and communicate more effectively, but there are also times where someone is looking to be offended. Was that person being sensitive, or were they being defensive? First, let’s specifically break down what each term really means:

Characteristics of a sensitive person:

• Empathetic
• Feels more than the average person
•  
• Can pick up on other people’s emotions

Characteristics of a defensive person:

• Looking to project blame on you
• Unwilling to see other perspectives
• Attached to being right
• Tries to make you feel guilty
• Lacks humility to acknowledge they could be wrong

If you’re a sensitive person, don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Unfortunately, it’s often deemed as a bad thing. You’re just being sensitive people say. People try to shame others for feeling it, but sensitivity is not the problem. It’s interpreting harmless comments as a threat, and, in turn, becoming defensive.

Plain and simple, someone who’s being defensive is led by their ego. Defending is protecting something. What are they trying to protect? Their soft ego.They often make a situation about themselves, when it had very little to do with them, if at all. When this happens, they’ve experienced narcissistic injury. How dare you say that to me they think. Their fragile ego causes them to operate out of insecurity.

Think of the most humble person you know. Are they easily offended? Do they take everything personally? Chances are they don’t. A humble person is looking to learn from other people, which means seeing a viewpoint that involves where they can improve. Someone being led by their ego cannot do this. Instead of listening they resort to attacking.

Being sensitive is not related to being defensive. They’re actually opposites. One is empathetic and caring; the other is self-centered and egotistical. One relates to the other person, the other only relates to itself.

The guy who baked the cheesecake made my dietary restrictions about himself. He interpreted something harmless as something to be threatened by.

I’m sure you’ve experienced similar encounters in your life too. Did that person ever guilt trip you and get their way? Maybe they said something that got under your skin and made you feel bad. Instead of falling into their traps, it’s time to be above their games. Here are some practical ways on how to effectively handle these encounters for the best possible outcome.

Three Ways to Handle a Defensive Person:

1. Keep your mouth shut.

Perhaps the hardest thing to do when someone is attacking you is to take the blows. I know this is going against the impulse to fight back, but what will you actually accomplish from stooping to that person’s level? Take it as a sign when someone becomes defensive to be quiet and listen.

This will help you prevent getting hijacked by your emotions. The moment we begin to argue with a defensive person we start allowing their words to get under our skin. Trying to reason with a defensive person will only escalate things. Let them do the talking.

Generally what we feel in the moment is not the most effective way to respond. When we argue back, then we no longer are objective about the situation. We lose the ability to see the situation for what it is and bring our personal baggage into it.

If you can’t shut your mouth, then you may very well be acting defensively too. Ask yourself is this really important to give a reaction to? How would a more objective person handle this?

Being able to bite your tongue does not mean nod and agree with what they’re trying to make you feel guilty for. If they pressure you into something, then kindly say no. Listening openly doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. If you can do this, then you’ve successfully dropped your ego.

2. Let Out the Steam.

Whenever we keep our mouth shut while being attacked, it stings. And it hurts. Those feelings stay in your body, which means it’s time to get them out. This section is about using healthy and constructive ways to do that.

You can use exercise as a healthy outlet. Boxing, sprints, lifting weights, and even yoga if that works for you. Find the type of exercise that helps you release stress and feel better afterward.

I’m a big advocate of writing out all of your feelings unfiltered. A useful way to handle this is to write that person a letter of precisely what you feel toward them. Abraham Lincoln used this strategy often and was said to rarely ever send that person the letter after writing it. When you write that person everything you wanted to say when you kept your mouth shut, it’s incredible how much built-up tension it will release.

I’d recommend not to send the letter.

Venting is okay, but I don’t think it should be the go-to therapy each time someone disrespects you. If overused, what starts as venting turns into complaining. And a Chronic Complainer turns into the person always feeling sorry for themselves. This is the last person you want to be.

“Complaining is one of the ego’s favorite strategies for strengthening itself.”

– Eckhart Tolle

3. Address the topic a few days later.

Almost always, once a few days go by, the magnitude of the problem isn’t as bad as we thought it was in the moment.

If this issue is legitimately important to you, then having the patience to approach this topic when things cool down is crucial. Timing is everything in this circumstance. Waiting a couple of days will bring us back to that objective judgment, and we will be at our best with our decision making. By this time, that person may have already come to their senses and apologized for acting a certain way.

What about incidents where you can’t wait a few days? Perhaps it’s an argument with a business partner, and a decision needs to be made. Or maybe it’s a relationship issue you can’t just walk away from in that moment. First off, more than we realize, we can delay a conversation a day or two. But if you must make a decision that is time sensitive, I’m writing a future post that answers how to handle those conversations in the moment.

If this person does not respect your decision to talk about this at a more appropriate time, then they may not respect you, and that should serve as a red flag. It’s your choice to keep this person in your life or not.

One significant mistake people make after waiting a few days is pretending the argument never happened. I believe the reason people do this is because what they were upset about begins to diffuse. Perspective and objectivity sets in, and they realize it wasn’t a big deal to begin with.

This is absolutely the time to address the issue, not ignore it. If not addressed, then that matter just sits there under the surface, waiting to manifest itself when tension rises again.

The benefit of waiting a day or two to address a critical decision is that person is much more likely to listen. What could have been a destructive argument will be dodged. Both you and that person will have had time to reflect on what was said and what had happened. There will be more clarity about what’s most important – your friendship with that person.

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Principle: Don’t stoop to the level of a defensive person. Listen to what they’re saying, and then continue the conversation when things cool down.

After my friend was upset with me, he apologized the next day. He took ownership for his actions and was sorry for what he had said. None of us are perfect. There are times where something gets under our skin, and we’ve acted in ways we later regret. It was just one of those moments my friend acted like that. And was the last.

Remember, someone who becomes defensive is really defending their soft ego. They often interpreted something that was harmless as a threat. Keep that in mind, so when the attacks come, you can maintain your composure under stress.

If you have the self-control to bite your tongue and patience to return to the topic a few days later, then you’re truly a strong person. It’s simple, but not easy. It’ll be uncomfortable, choosing to return to something that was unpleasant for both parties, but it’ll add tremendous value to your life.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Perceiving being sensitive as a negative trait.
• Trying to reason with someone who’s in defensive mode.
• Pretending the argument never happened.

Key Takeaways:

• Someone who is sensitive simply feels more than the average person and is more empathetic.
• Someone who is defensive is unwilling to see other perspectives, attached to being right, and is hijacked by their emotions.
• A defensive person often makes situations about themselves, when it had little to do with them, if at all.

Taking Action:

Reflect on any past experiences when someone became defensive towards you. What could you have done differently after reading this post? Think about it, so the next time you experience it, you’ll be prepared to handle it effectively. How would your best self respond?