House parties are hit and miss. Sometimes people bring all the alcohol you’ll need, other times people burn in a hole in your couch. Sometimes awesome people show up, sometimes frat boys show up. Call me old fashion, but I don’t exactly like hearing frat guys yell “LET’S GOOOO” every five seconds. Especially when playing…
Being a high school substitute teacher comes with many meaningful days. Days when a few words of encouragement inspire students to be better. Days when you see students grow before your very eyes. Days when students teach you things about life in a way that no adult possibly could. Today was not one of them. …
I’m sitting outside a coffee shop with a few friends and my buddy Kevin starts telling us a story about how he got praised at work for doing absolutely nothing: Kevin: I woke up and didn’t feel like working. I called into work and said I’m “going through something” and need “self-care.” They immediately became…
Somehow, someway, my friend Christian and I got hired to be summer camp counselors for 4th graders. Christian looks like a heedless alcoholic with a permanent confused look on his face, so he must have killed it in his interview. And I look like a Cocky Douche Fuckboy, yet they still hired me. No, I…
Being the king of coming up with dumb ideas, I thought it’d be a great idea to take a cheap, blow-up inflatable raft into the ocean that I bought on Amazon. Also note that this wasn’t a beach that had essentially no current with waves flat as your ex’s pancake butt. This was a surfer’s…
In college I was a mentor for incoming transfer students and worked alongside a professor in class who, well, had a colorful personality: He stood a fierce five feet two inches but had the Complex aggression of Napoleon, I mean a lion. This little man looked like life chewed him up and spit him out…
I’m at a job interview to be a tutor for high school kids and some random guy sits next to me. I realize he’s my competition… He looked like he got dropped off in a tractor. He had a fuckin mullet and was wearing boots to an INTERVIEW. He was probably a rusty 5’8” but…
If I had to give an award to the most ratchet grocery store, it would certainly be Vons. There are always little shits running rampant, customers crying because their coupon expired, lines moving slower than a virgin on prom night. Surrounded by Chex mix, Cheez-its, and Gushers, I realize I’m in the wrong aisle, but…
Every moment is an eternity. Trapped in exhaustion, drowning in uncertainty, a prisoner of the unknown. I was losing the battle to disease, no matter what I did. For months I could not take a full breath without feeling an excruciating, stabbing abdominal pain. My hands were turning yellow, my vision would randomly blur,…
I took a writing class in college and we were tasked to write about a true story. Some guy asked me for feedback on his work. I don’t want to be mean, but his story was about a fucking hike he went on, and how it was hard. After about 1.5 hours of editing I…
