I made a questionable decision to let someone drive my car who hadn’t driven in like four years. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? It couldn’t be that bad.

It was that bad.

We approach a red light:

Trixie: OH MY GAWWWD WHAT DO I DO?

I kid you not, she really said that.

Me: How about start with not getting us killed.

Trixie: DON’T PRESSURE ME.

I should have known when it took us 15 minutes to get out of the parking lot that it was a red flag.

You may be thinking, why were you letting her drive your car Julian? My license was suspended, for reasons I’d rather not get into.

Out of sheer luck, we manage to get onto the freeway. Given there was no traffic, my naive self figured the hard part was over.

Trixie starts going 45 mph on the freeway. I decide this is the time to use my soothing words of encouragement.

Me: What is this bullshit? Are you kidding me?

Trixie: IT’S BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.

Me: Then fucking step on the gas and go 70!

Trixie: DON’T PRESSURE ME.

Was she trademarking the phrase? I had no clue.

Finding someone who is a worse driver than me is no small task. It requires courage, fortitude, patience, discipline, and long-term planning. For this to happen by chance was like reading a horoscope that makes actual sense – defying the natural laws of nature.

Trixie: I’m not comfortable going above 45!

It took us 20 minutes on the freeway to cover 10 miles without traffic. You do the math of what that pace looks like.

We get off the freeway, and for once, things seem to be going swimmingly. No confusion of what to do at a red light. Only going 10 mph under the speed limit opposed to 20 mph. Rapid progress! My usual optimism was returning.

We’re now three minutes away from home. We end up at an intersection and there’s a red light. Thankfully we stopped. I see a motor cop across from us.

Me: Oh fuck fuck fuck, no fucking way. We’re fucked. This was my mistake, why the hell did I do this? What’s wrong with me? Am I insane?

I have a natural ability to say just the right thing as one does when they let an automobile-challenged acquaintance on the cusp of a breakdown drive their car.

Trixie: OH MY GAWWWWD STOP.

I comply (for now at least).

The cop GETS OFF HER MOTORCYCLE, walks to the car behind her, says some shit to the driver, then calmly gets back on her motorcycle. Why? I have no idea. But if she’s brave enough to LEAVE HER VEHICLE while in an intersection, then only God knows what happens next…

Yep, we’re totally screwed.

Me: Dear God, just make this quick. Don’t drag it out…the anticipation is killing me.

Trixie: YOU AREN’T HELPING.

The light turns green. I brace myself.

Instead of going straight Trixie MAKES AN ILLEGAL LANE CHANGE and directly cuts the person to the right of us off so she can go in a circle and avoid the cop. Because cops have NEVER seen that move before.

Trixie: I GOT THIS….I GOT THIS….

She said it in the way when someone absolutely does NOT “got this.”

What do you think happened next?

Flashing lights.

Me: That means pull over.

I start to premeditate convincing statements that, personally, I would find it hard-pressed for a cop to respond with a traffic citation:

• Hi Officer. I apologize for my friend’s lack of chill. Anyways, my name’s Julian. What are you up to?
• If you’re unsure of the nearest coffee shop, I’d be happy to show you around.
• I can read your palm and tell you your future but it’ll cost you that ticket you’re about to write. Sounds like a bargain if you ask me.

But then I feel a sudden pang of doubt come across me as if suggesting these statements were not, in fact, perfect openers.

I continue thinking…

Maybe I can tell the cop she looks pretty – she’ll be flattered and couldn’t possibly summon the nerve to ticket me. No…no…that may backfire. Hmm…ask her favorite Netflix show? ‘I watch Orange is the New Black too!’…no, I wouldn’t have a follow-up comment about the show…um..shit.

She walks over and the expressionless look on her face told me she wasn’t ready to play any games. Ah. The chances of getting out of this have now declined by -500%. She approaches us and cuts right to the chase. No “Hi how are you?” or “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Impolite if you ask me.

Cop: What were you thinking?

Me: I’m sorry officer. This is my car and I let my friend drive it. This is all my doing, not hers. I messed up, big time. I’m not going to BS you with any excuses.

Cop: That was a, well, odd lane change.

Me: I apologize. I don’t want to give you a fake reason to justify any of this. This is all my fault. I understand if you issue a ticket.

There’s a silence which feels like an eternity.

Cop: Hmm. You’re the first person all week to not make up some excuse. I’ll let you go because you were honest. Be safe, and try not to cut off every driver on the road.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. There was a little sarcasm in her tone, but little did she know how entirely possible that scenario was.

Our mistake was so blatantly obvious, I’m sure it would piss any cop off if we made excuses, and rightfully so. If I were a cop, and someone made a clear mistake but denied it, I’d be so annoyed. I learned it’s better to come clean when you know you’ve messed up.

The cop walks away, and we are stunned. I break the silence with an inspirational quote that came to mind:

Me: In the words of Elon Musk, that lane change was “stupidity squared.”

Trixie: SHUT IT.

Me: Nothing short of running a red light is a success though.

Trixie: STOPPPPPPPPPPPP

A few more wrong turns, one more “DON’T PRESSURE ME!” and that about caps it off. The moment the car parked, I stepped outside, paused, and then said under my breath: “It is done. It is over.” in disbelief. We made it. We survived the suicide mission. What do I do now with my life? No feat will ever compare to this. Anything else a mere disappointment.

We went from “OMG WHAT DO I DO?” when approaching a red light to “I GOT THIS…I GOT THIS….” in a mere 30 minutes. I’m all for empowering others. 

You may think I was being a bit dramatic and maybe even an asshole. That’s OK. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but you put someone unsure of what a red light means in your car and let’s see how well you fare.

And I hear you critics out there. But Julian you violated this, this, and this principle. I am aware of that. We’re all works in progress.

This week’s principle is a quote from someone you may have heard of:

Principle: “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

– Ben Franklin

Ever had someone come to apologize to you but instead justified a series of excuses? It didn’t feel so good, did it? But what about a time somebody cut the BS and fully admitted fault? It’s a refreshing feeling when a person fully owns up to their mistake.

When you apologize, that person doesn’t care about your excuse. They want to hear your honesty, they want to feel your sincerity. You have to mean it. Using an excuse isn’t apologizing, it’s cowering.  

99% of people throw in some type of excuse in their apology. This is why 99% of apologies are short-lived – the person didn’t fully believe they were wrong, and in turn, they make no changes for the better.

The reason people don’t want to fully own their mistakes is that their ego is too fragile to accept it. The bigger the mistake, the more tempting it is to make an excuse because it’s a harder blow on the ego. Making an excuse is clinging to the comfort of being right rather than facing the truth.

Because ego distorts truth, if we’re led by ego, we will always be led astray.

When you make a mistake, it doesn’t matter that you were having a bad day. It does not matter that you were tired, sick, stressed, or going through something. What matters is how your actions impacted others.

You can feel anger, you can feel sadness, but that doesn’t mean you have to act on it. That’s where the line is drawn. Everyone has the same emotions that you do – the difference is that some give in to their emotions while others choose to remain anchored in rational thought. 

Everyone is fighting a battle that you don’t know about. Why are you any different? There are no cop-outs. There are no “get out of jail free cards.” There are no excuses.  

I was an asshole who only made the chances of us ending up in one piece quite slim. I later apologized to Trixie about my comments when she was “giving her all” behind the wheel.

It’s quite obvious when a mistake has been made, and an excuse is not going to save you. Swallowing your pride, coming clean, and admitting fault will.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Searching for the fault of others rather than your own shortcomings.
• “Rationalizing” an excuse to alleviate taking responsibility.
• Thinking your situation is an exception to this principle.

Key Takeaways:

• When somebody apologizes with an excuse, they will keep repeating that mistake until they cut the BS.
• Apologizing is a commitment to change, and you can’t make a commitment to change if you’re resorting to excuses.
• People don’t care about your excuse, they care about hearing your sincere honesty.

Taking Action:

No more bail-out excuses. No more “I was angry”, no more “I was having a bad day”, no more “I wasn’t feeling well.” That’s your ego leading you astray into a land of deception.

Excuses are lies. And you can’t have an honest apology with lies. Cut the excuses and you have a true apology.