Dude: So where did you go to college?

Me: Cal State Channel Islands

Dude: Ah, okay. I guess not everyone can go to a good college.

…What the hell? Way to be a buzzkill.

Dude: And what did you major in?

Me: English.

Dude: Ohhh. I see. I was gonna major in English…but I realized that would be really stupid.

He was dead serious.

I give him a look that has WTF written all over it.

Dude: What? I’m an honest person.

And to top it off, this guy NEVER EVEN ATTENDED COLLEGE.

Chances are, you’ve had a similar experience to this. You’re having a normal conversation, and then out of nowhere for no reason, someone blurted out an inappropriate comment. They don’t feel bad and choose to fall back on the “I’m just as honest person” excuse.

We’ve all said some things that just kinda slipped out. This can occur by accident, but more times than not, it happens through ignorance. I’m talking about when someone crosses the line from being upfront, to disrespectful.

Being honest is a wonderful trait, but it has been blown out of proportion. It’s become a forgotten quality mainly due to people twisting its meaning. I’ve heard all the excuses in the book.  It’s now become a reason to justify saying something inappropriate. Some examples that fall within The Honest Excuse are:

“I just speak my mind.”  …well maybe you shouldn’t.

“That’s just the way I am.”  …perhaps you should change that.

“I tell people what they need to hear.” …how about a taste of your own medicine?

“I’m just an honest person.” …no, you’re an asshole.

These people like to claim they’re being honest…they’re not. They’re lying. Lying to themselves. The thing is, they believe this lie and use it to absolve them of taking responsibility for their actions. It’s their free pass to act however they want, whenever they want, as long as they’re being “honest.”

Some people may have a disability that crosses this boundary, but it’s not their fault.  I am not referring to them, putting them down, or shaming them for being the way they are. I’m talking about people who purposely use this excuse to justify being disrespectful.

This post is meant to set the record straight of what true honesty is about, and why to never put up with The Honest Excuse. This whole honesty thing has gotten out of hand. People are now using The Honesty Excuse to legitimize criticizing others. Comments like:

“You dress like an old man” …so what? Maybe impressing people isn’t a priority for you (congrats if it isn’t).

“You spilled coffee all over your shirt.” ..thank you captain obvious because I had no clue.

“You look stuck up.”  …maybe you just have Resting Bitch Face (RBF).

These types of comments have twisted what real honesty actually is and has devalued the term. These people aren’t honest; they’re looking to legitimize their words to point out what they deem as flaws.

Blurting out the first thing that comes to your mind is not honesty. It’s ignorance.

So, if saying something that pops into your mind isn’t honesty, then what is? There’s one significant distinction to understand.

Honesty: The Forgotten Quality

In Dale Carnegie’s timeless book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, he talks about never to flatter, but instead look to appreciate. It’s a principle that is just as relevant today as it was one hundred years ago. When it comes to the forgotten quality of honesty, to capture what it really means, this principle fits in seamlessly.

Why do some compliments feel better than others? The answer is honesty. A compliment that flatters isn’t truly sincere and therefore doesn’t feel that good. But a compliment that is real, and is appreciative – that’s true honesty. One is toxic, the other is nourishing.

Someone looking to flatter:

• Has a hidden agenda

• Usually targets something of surface value

• Only has self-gain in mind.

Someone who appreciates:

• Is 100% sincere

• Is thoughtful. They See qualities beyond surface value.

• Does not expect anything in return.

“Flattery is from the teeth out. Sincere appreciation is from the heart out.”

– Dale Carnegie

Ever had someone compliment you, but deep down, it didn’t feel real? Rather than an organic compliment, it feels artificial. This is what it’s like to be flattered.

You know someone appreciates you when there is a warm feeling to it. They’re not looking to stroke the ego. They’re not saying something just to get you to like them. They’re hoping to brighten your day by pointing out something that is unique about you. They appreciate and celebrate what makes you unique.

What about when we have to be honest with someone, even if it means saying something they may not want to hear?

If you genuinely are coming from a place of sincerity, to help someone grow rather than put them down, then you are honest. What’s more important than our words, is where they’re coming from. If you’re looking to help them, are not obsessed with being “right,” but doing what’s right, then you’re good.

This isn’t always guaranteed a positive response. Some people become offended by any comment that is not meant to boost their ego. But if you’re coming from a place of love, then you have done your part. You’ve expressed real honesty.

***

Principle: Practice real honesty by looking to appreciate and help that person grow.

The Honesty Excuse occurs when people say things like:

• I just speak my mind.

• That’s just the way I am.

• I’m honest. Not my fault most people can’t handle it.

Beware of these comments. They are excuses to absolve that person of taking responsibility. It’s their free pass to legitimize to act however they want, whenever they want, as long as they’re being “honest.”

Blurting the first thing that comes to your mind is not honesty, it’s ignorance. True honesty is coming from a place of sincerity to appreciate. It is a thoughtful,  kind, warm feeling.

Pitfalls to Avoid

• Mistaking someone’s ignorance for honesty.
• Mistaking someone’s flattery for sincerity
• Letting someone off the hook when they use The Honest Excuse.

Key Takeaways:

• If someone crosses a boundary and claims they’re “just being honest” that’s a lie.
• If someone is looking to flatter but expects something in return, it’s not sincere. It too is a lie.
• If someone is looking to appreciate and help someone grow with genuine sincerity, it’s truth.

Taking Action:

Appreciate someone today. Give them a thoughtful, sincere, honest compliment and brighten their day.