Three Things You Need For A Strong Identity10 min read

Six or seven nights a week I spend an hour or more laughing my ass off to the most random shit on the internet. And I mean howling laughter. I wake my roommates up. You can hear me across the street. You’d think I’m intoxicated, but I’m not.

This is my fuck-around hour. It’s my time to laugh and have fun. Nobody interrupts this. Calls will be ignored. The front door will not be answered. If a text is responded to, it’s rarely taken seriously. Every thought, every move is for the sole purpose of entertainment and laughs. Nothing else matters.

But sometimes my “fuck-around hour” extends to the duration of a few weeks…like being on an acid trip for a few weeks straight, but without the acid.

In a different world. Lost in time. Entrapped in fuckery. Inescapable joy. Dazed & Amused.

Oh, that’s not an accurate description of acid? I don’t care.  

My phone vibrates…

Incoming call from Bia

Bia, my girlfriend. We’d been daitng for a few months and had actually just recently gone on a dinner date. So you could say things were getting pretty serious…

I ignore it and continue watching random youtube videos. One minute later she calls again. Ignore. Another minute goes by and she calls again. I guess I’m gonna break my rule…

I pick up:

Me: I’m working on something really important right now. Can’t talk.

Bia: No you’re not! This is your fuck-around hour!

Damnit. She knows. I can’t even deny it.

Note to the reader: if you too have a fuck-around hour, at the very least don’t tell people when it is. 

Me: EXACTLY! 

Bia: Julian! I’ve got a serious problem, I NEED you to come over now!

I’d never heard Bia speak in this tone. There was a sense of panic and a hint of desperation in it. I’d recently been in a situation where I demanded a friend to come over without an explanation, so I figured I’d do the same for Bia.

Me: Ok, I’m on my way. 

I head over and as I walk in the look on her face made it seem like she had just seen a ghost. In this moment I knew I had to be mature and adult-like.

Going from fuck-around-hour-mode to time-to-be-a-serious-adult-mode is no small feat. It requires monk-like discipline. Years of training and patience. But when done right, words of encouragement, support, and reassurance just flow right through you…

Me: FUCK. You’re pregnant.

Bia: No. Worse.

Me: What could POSSIBLY be worse??

Those deep brown eyes couldn’t be any more mysterious, it was driving me crazy. Her sulky expression told me this wasn’t a joke, this was a serious matter. Seeing the tension building in her temples told me she had been obsessing over this for at least hours.

The anticipation begins to kill me, but slowly, Bia composes herself, and as if in a whisper she confesses:

Bia: I lost all of my Instagram followers.

Me: OK…but WHAT happened?

Bia: My account is deleted!

Me: Wait…THAT is your problem? 

Bia: I worked HARD for that following. And now, gone! Gone, gone, gone!

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? I abandoned my fuck-around hour for this?

Bia: It will take YEARS for me to regain that following!

Me: Yeah…and you don’t even know like 95% of them, so…who cares? They’re probably spam bots if we’re being real.

Bia: I got like 500 likes on every photo and tons of comments!

Me: Have you ever heard of solitude?

Bia: GAAAAH THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVERRR

***

Bia’s identity, and how she viewed herself was reliant on the daily likes and comments she received on Instagram. Once those likes and comments disappeared, so did her self-worth.

This is a much more common scenario than one may think. The majority of people define themselves by things that aren’t a reflection of the unique person they truly are. Usually, superficial matters are used to form their identity, some of which include… 

• Opinions from others
• A title they have
• Possessions 
• Status
• Feeling superior through looks, intellect, physique, or any other superficial comparison
• And even stupid shit like Instagram followers

Looks fade, as well as physiques, there’s always someone smarter out there (which is not a bad thing), a title you have is not permanent, possessions can be seized, people’s opinions about you can change at any moment.

At most, you have only partial control of these things. But that means, in an instant, they can disappear no matter what you do. It’s important that you avoid defining yourself through things you don’t have full control over, but rather, define yourself through…

Qualities

I consider qualities to be either 1) traits that builds character, such as responsibility, integrity, perseverance, discipline, honesty, humility, kindness, honor, and fortitude, plus several more 2) or positive personality traits, such as being bold, being funny, being cheerful, being curious, being driven, being fearless.

I consider having a sense of humor to be a tremendous quality as well. Not to be confused with False Humor – which is when someone takes pleasure in another person’s pain – a sense of humor brings people together, eases the stress of everyday life, and puts us in the present moment. Humor helps us get through the toughest times, and humor can enrich good moments into the best moments. Having a sense of humor is a quality that should be viewed as just as valuable as any other.

When you get past the front someone puts on, the persona they perform, the impression they give off, what you are left with is that person’s qualities…or lack thereof. 

This is the core of your identity. You can lose your job, money, and friends, but the qualities deep inside you are yours. Circumstances do not stop us from being resilient, from being bold, from being kind – only we do. 

The unique combination of qualities you possess are in a category of their own – there are no exact copies, there are no duplicates.  

This is what makes you different, an original, a one-time creation that will never be repeated. This is what shows up when the unpredictable takes a visit. This is how you treat others on tough days. This is how you treat yourself on tough days. This is exactly who you are. 

It’s qualities that transform a child into a man or a woman, not age. A child throws tantrums, plays the victim, and wants instant gratification. How many adults do you know that do this? Quite a bit, I would bet. But it’s the strong person, regardless of age, who moves on from these childish tendencies, becomes in control of their emotions, takes ownership of their circumstances, and is willing to delay gratification. 

This is why you define yourself by qualities – because they are what truly make you a unique creation in the world. They are entirely within your control to not only possess but also develop. Qualities transform you from child to leader, from weak to strong, from strong to stronger.

Principles

A principle is a belief in action. It is an agreement you make with yourself about how to live a better life and be a better person. A principle is often rooted in a quality – discipline, patience, fortitude – that it will demand from you. 

Living by principles you set gives you clarity on what you stand for. Most people like to think they have a clear picture of what they stand for but this simply isn’t true. If they did then they would never have moments of being indecisive, of sacrificing what they believe in for personal gain, of stooping to poor character when things get tough.

The masses go in the direction of wherever the wind blows – seduced by every little trend, hypnotized by what others are doing, mesmerized by what they see in the media. They may claim to stand for certain principles, but once tested they succumb to the pressure. They trade away their self-respect, their integrity, their loyalty, all for the immediate gratification of giving in to an impulse. They stand for nothing, making them fall for anything.

Knowing and living by your principles… 

• Replaces hesitation with decisiveness  
• Contributes to knowing your boundaries, making it easier to say no
• Keeps you anchored in times of uncertainty
• Keeps you away from temptation
• Grants you awareness of yourself, people around you, and your environment
• Makes you not fall for the manipulation and tricks people play on you
• Fosters a sense of purpose in how you’re living your life

When you are truly committed to your principles they become a part of your identity. They are rooted in how you live, think, and act on a daily basis. 

Define yourself through principles because they are the code of how you live your life. Principles are what you stand for, and when you have clarity on what you stand for, you will survive the test of adversity and uncertainty.

Habits

Habits. The small, unglamorous, daily decisions that take place behind the scenes are responsible for big transformations. Without habits, developing qualities and living by principles would be impossible. It’s the flow of seamless repetition habits create that makes growth possible and consistency painless. Habits show you’re not a talker, you’re a do-er.

Think of habits as a “system” you create. Habits clear the clutter of excuses, negative self-talk, and temptation out of your head making you more efficient in less time. Habits “automate” your progress – what initially took a lot of willpower becomes second nature.

Habits put you in a flow. They give you a momentum of what you’re trying to accomplish. They make what was once difficult, effortless. 

Habits keep you going when you don’t feel at your best. On the days most people would quit and give in to temptations, habits keep you from giving up. Habits even prevent you from considering procrastinating, from justifying reasons to relent, from making excuses.

When you develop a habit, you develop a newer, evolved version of yourself. What you stand for, who you are, and who you are becoming is all a product of habit. Habits seal qualities you possess and the principles you embody into part of your identity. Shape your self-image around habits you live by, day in and day out, for they are the catalyst of your identity.

They Work Synergistically

Qualities, principles, and habits all have the potential to build each other up:

• Discipline fuels strong habits, and strong habits fuels discipline 
• Living by a principle day in and day out builds integrity
• Habits are what make building character and staying committed to your principles possible

But being very weak in one of these three areas takes away from the other two:

• Poor habits make it impossible to truly develop qualities
• Weak character makes it impossible to live by your principles
• Lack of principles makes it impossible to develop strong character

Neglecting one of the three will compromise the other two. But, when you consciously develop qualities, habits, and live by your principles, they all elevate each other. 

Principle: Define yourself by the qualities you embody, the principles you stand for, and the habits you live by.

You don’t have full control of your status, people’s opinions, titles, or appearances. Attaching your sense of worth to things that can abandon you at any moment is not a reliable way to have a strong identity. 

But you have absolute control over the qualities you embody, the principles you stand for, and the habits you live by. They never abandon you. In fact, they are you. 

You are a one time creation – the combination of qualities you’ve internalized over the years shapes who you are. Use that as the lens for your self-image. The principles you stand and fight for, the very things that make you come alive, use them to define you. The habits you live by, the catalyst to your growth, center your identity around those daily disciplines you take pride in. 

Above all, always continue to grow, adapt, and refine your qualities, principles, and habits. 

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Being a talker, not a do-er.
• Only looking at qualities you like about yourself, and not ones you need to develop.
• Abandoning your principles under times of stress.

Key Takeaways:

• It is through qualities – things like discipline, integrity, responsibility, delaying gratification – that mature people into becoming a strong man or woman, not age.
• Knowing your principles makes you more decisive, keeps you centered on what’s most important, and fosters a sense of purpose.
• Habits are what makes developing qualities and living by principles possible. Habits put you in a flow, making what once took a lot of willpower, effortless.

Taking Action: 

How you view yourself is the root of your identity. Strengthen these roots by anchoring your identity to qualities, principles, and habits – things you have absolute control over. Reflect on these three things and allow that to serve as the lens of your self-image.