I’m not really the guy to pick up on girl’s type, but we all have our moments:

I’m in the library not doing any work and something catches my eye. A girl. She had blond hair and a was wearing a shirt that said “Pink” that wasn’t pink at all. I don’t think twice and walk over to her and introduce myself. The words that came out of my mouth are not important. Her response:

Her: I have a boyfriend.

She was friendly about it. No big deal. I walk away.

A couple days later…

I’m in the library again, not working and this time I see another girl that catches my eye. She too, had blond hair and a nice smile. I’d be crazy to pass up on this opportunity. I walk over to her. She’s working diligently on schoolwork or whatever, and right when she looked up at me I froze. It was the SAME girl I’d talked to days earlier. I had no idea. Words don’t come out of my mouth and she starts laughing.

Her: Haha, wrong person?

Me: …Ha…yeah…wrong person.

I play it off like it was a simple accident and walk away. But who am I kidding? She for damn sure knew what I was up to.

Oh welp.

The next day…

I’m hanging out at, you guessed it – the library, not working hard (obviously). I see someone. A brunette girl who was wearing glasses. I walk up to her and guess what? It was the same girl who DYED HER HAIR.

Just kidding, this time it was a different girl (don’t be so surprised).

Me: Hey –

Before I could finish my sentence she kindly expressed her thoughts.

Her: AHHH!!!!!!

I scared the shit out of her. She shrieked and nearly fell out of her seat.

This is off to a GREAT start.

Now half the library is staring at a girl terrified by what appeared to be a CockyDoucheFuckboy.

Should I just walk away? I thought. Now there is only a 2.5987% chance of this going well. I reassure myself that 2.5987% is at least better than 0%.

Just as I am about to attempt a smooth recovery, some guy next to her speaks up to what I assume is something to help a brother out.

Savage Motherfucker: [to the girl] Jackie don’t bother with him. He’s that douche who hits on all the girls here.

-500% chance of this going well now.

Mission aborted. I walk away before all of the Snapchats go wild. Total walk of shame. I hear the whispers, I see the glares, I feel the judgment. RIP self-esteem.

***

I beat myself up over the reputation I’d confirmed in so many people’s minds. I could almost hear their thoughts: It’s true. I was right. He is a CockyDoucheFuckboy.

It made me so uncomfortable in the library to the extreme where I actually started doing work.

But this was the beginning of learning how to let go of the narratives people create about you. We all have a type of generalization that people assume about us – the danger is holding on to it and allowing it to shape your identity. I learned that not only is letting go of people’s snap judgments helpful, but  finding something to be cheerful about in the moment is invaluable.

Being cheerful means finding joy in the moment. It could be finding something funny. It could be finding something you’re grateful for. It’s giving yourself a reason to be happy regardless of your situation.

I can see instantly in someone’s eyes if they have disqualified me as a person based on a snap judgment, and that’s okay. I’ve found ways to be cheerful when these assumptions happen. I’m reminded of the quality, true friends that never looked at me that way. I’m glad that these people’s assumptions do not define and shape the person I am. And I’m also entertained by the entire absurdity of the situation – a mere glance and a person has all of this animosity. It’s pretty ridiculous, but there is always comedy in the bizarre (and makes for a great story).

We can let the moment tear us down, or we can find something to be cheerful about. Being cheerful in the moment isn’t limited to the narratives people create about you, but can be applied to much more challenging trials you will face. We can always find something to be cheerful about, and if that’s challenging to accept, then consider the following section…

Unyielding Endurance, Bulletproof Freedom

Held captive in Auschwitz, Germany, Viktor Frankl had to fight the impossible battle of surviving in the Nazi concentration camps without going insane. Frankl was beaten hourly, only fed watered down soup, forced to perform extreme physical labor under inhumane conditions, separated from his family, and tragically, never saw them again. Words cannot express the unfathomable abuse he endured every minute of the day.

Despite the horrendous conditions, Frankl made a promise with another prisoner at the camp: each day, they would tell each other one funny story or joke. Was Frankl dismissing the harsh reality in the camp? No – he found a way to be cheerful despite the harsh circumstances. Telling a joke and finding humor in the darkest moments helped him endure it. His cheerfulness equipped him with an unbreakable, unyielding spirit to endure.

Sometimes when we’re going through something tragic we feel that it would be wrong to find joy in the moment. I certainly have. It sounds counterintuitive, but the point of being cheerful isn’t to undermine the harsh reality – it’s to help you endure it.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

– Viktor Frankl

Not allowing yourself to be cheerful is surrendering your freedom to that person or thing trying to tear you down. We can always choose our attitude. We can be loving or indifferent, grateful or resentful, cheerful or bitter. As Frankl said, attitude is the last of the human freedoms – it’s with you, by your side till the very end, only if you allow it to be.

Battling disease for the past decade, I’ve experienced how stress is a potent, silent trigger to the condition. I’ve learned the hard way that when symptoms got bad, being stressed intensified them rapidly. I was left with the choice to either find something to be cheerful about in the moment, or risk unforgiving health consequences.

When you’re in a high stakes situation to the point where being stressed could result in severe ramifications, I guarantee you will find an inner-strength to shift your mindset. It’s a choice, a will, an attitude that I promise is there inside you.

What Being Cheerful Means:

Being cheerful does not mean putting on some fake persona. It means genuinely finding something to be happy about – not faking it. It’s not a fake smile. It’s not faking that your life is perfect.

It’s not about a face you make on the outside, but the perspective you cultivate on the inside. It’s a joy inside you that all you have to do is search for. It’s a discovery of something funny in the moment, an appreciation of what and who you have.

Being cheerful means letting go of what could happen. Letting go of the result, and finding something that is funny, something you are grateful for, something that makes you happy in the moment. Being cheerful removes the fear of the future, and instead, immerses you in the appreciation of the present.

Being cheerful can be something you’re looking forward to. Having a goal, or reward to visualize creates a strong incentive to keep going.

Being cheerful in the midst of a setback can be the realization of a new beginning. Thomas Edison’s research and production laboratory burned down, and his response was, “It’s alright, we’ve just got rid of a lot of rubbish.” Despite years of priceless research being gone forever and having only a third of the damage covered by insurance, Edison and his team produced nearly $10 million dollars in revenue (equivalent to 200+ million today) that year.

Being cheerful gives your life more meaning. Too many people have a stick up their ass, take themselves too seriously, and wonder why they feel empty on the inside. But being cheerful detaches you from the unnecessary trivial matters that are easy to obsess over and helps you focus on the things that truly matter. The most important things – positive relationships, following your purpose, helping others, growing into your best self – offer the most meaning in life, and being cheerful keeps you centered on those things.

Self-Pity Kills Cheerfulness

You will never turn a setback into a comeback if you feel sorry for yourself. Self-pity is anti-cheerful: The self-pitied person goes out of their way to find reasons to be upset. Instead of finding humor in a situation, they drown in their sorrows. They look for reasons to be defeated rather than an incentive to keep going.

Feeling sorry for yourself comes from the ego. It’s focusing purely and solely on yourself, disregarding that other people suffer too. The self-pitied person dwells on how they don’t deserve to face a struggle, yet somehow it’s okay that others face their own battles. The self-pitied person will always justify some type of reason why they shouldn’t have to suffer, that they’re an exception to others.

I don’t mean to minimize what you’re up against, but think of the people in the world that would kill to have your problems: a bad day for some is getting their Starbucks drink wrong, getting cut off in traffic, losing wi-fi, not getting enough likes on a photo. A bad day for others is losing a family member, not having access to clean water, performing excruciating labor, being a victim of violence.

“I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes  – until I met a man who had no feet.”

– Proverb

If you refuse to find something to be happy about, then it’s not your situation that’s causing that. It’s you. Being cheerful amid stress is not easy, but it’s not supposed to be. It can be one of the toughest things to do, but it will also be one of the most valuable things you do. While a silent accomplishment, it is life changing. At one point a challenge, now, your advantage.

It’s one thing to be a victim, but that doesn’t mean you need to have a victimized mindset for the rest of your life. Many people turn their hardship into their purpose. There are those who have been tragically victims of abuse, yet they become an abuse counselor to empower others fighting a similar battle. There are those who were addicted to drugs, yet they fought through it and became an addiction coach to show others the way. Had they remained in self-pity, they would have never made their comeback and would have never inspired the lives of others.

“The Deep Sea” Of The Mind

The deepest most meaningful things will not be found on the surface. Shallow desires – aesthetics, status, luxury – lead to feelings of emptiness, yet people pursue these things endlessly. Their search is like the Platte river – a mile wide but only a few inches deep.

In the ocean, life forms that live among the surface cannot survive in the deep sea – only select creatures are built to live in this environment. The same goes for people who live for surface level desires – they’re built to be led and swayed by surface level feelings  – greed, resentment, self-pity, envy, shortsightedness, contempt, narcissism, revenge – mere distractions that do not have the capacity to survive in the depths of meaning and purpose.

Let us call this “The Deep Sea” of the mind. Think of it as a dimension in the mind that holds the most striking, visceral feelings you’ve had that go beyond conscious explanation.

This dimension only makes space for intrinsic, captivating feelings and experiences that come from profound memories. Memories that stimulate an innate, child-like curiosity of the world. Memories where you were free of worry that took you out of reality and placed you in another world. Memories that sail past the intellectual, beneath the superficial, free of the conventional, and into the exceptional.

It can be an activity that reunites you with an inner passion. It can be an experience that made you come alive. It can be an undeniable, striking realization you had. It can be an electrifying connection you shared with someone.

Reliving and returning to these memories will leave clues to what makes you tick. This is the zone where you access “The Deep Sea” of the mind and tap into cheerfulness in its purest form.

Two necessary traits to survive in the deep sea are vision and pressure. The deep sea is completely dark, yet the life forms that dwell in it can see clearly and handle the pressure of the ocean. Any life forms that can only survive at the surface, however, will literally explode if they go to the deep sea.

It does not matter how much pressure and chaotic the surface is – a storm, a tsunami, any natural disaster – it has no effect on the stillness of the deep sea. Likewise, “The Deep Sea” of the mind is unswayed by pressure. Cheerfulness, love, compassion all see past the darkness, unaffected by the tension, thriving in the deep. 

Resentment, self-pity, greed, narcissism, contempt,  shortsightedness, envy, revenge cannot see through dark times – they become consumed by it, blind to the slightest crevice of hope. When the pressure rises, these negative feelings result in outbursts, having no chance to survive trials of uncertainty.

There is a stillness in “The Deep Sea” of the mind because these feelings that overwhelm cannot survive in the depths of meaning and purpose. The stillness remains consistent, despite outside factors, anchored by cheerfulness and a love for the moment.

Being Cheerful Doesn’t Mean Suppress What You Feel

This is not to say ignore something you’re feeling. It means to allow yourself to feel what you feel, and then make the decision to turn this painful experience into an empowering one with meaning and purpose.

Any emotion can be used for you instead of against you. If you feel angry then use that anger constructively and channel it to be part of your relentless spirit. If you’re sad then write and reflect, and you will discover new things. If you feel betrayed, then turn that pain into wisdom to prevent it from happening again.

Maybe you lost someone in your life – that doesn’t mean to ignore going through a phase of mourning. But there is a big difference between going through a phase of mourning, and feeling sorry for yourself. If you lose someone, you need to mourn their passing. But then, you need to celebrate their life and use what they taught you to become a better person.  

To not celebrate their life and use what they taught you would make their passing all for nothing. To not be cheerful about the wonderful person they were would be destroying all of those golden moments you shared together. To complain about your circumstances would be disrespectful and unappreciative to this privilege you have, called life, that they no longer are blessed with.

Honor them by making a promise to yourself, and to them, that you will use what they taught you so part of them lives inside you. Honor them through living your best life by making every minute of everyday count. Honor them by loving every moment, good or bad, because they showed you how short life can be.

Don’t push away the memories you’ve had with them. Hold them near and dear to your heart and never forget. Never lose sight of the moments shared and allow yourself to be cheerful about them. Each day use everything in your power to live with meaning and purpose to become a better person, for them.

That person wouldn’t want to see you forever sad and resentful. They’d want to see you happy. They’d want to see you celebrating who they are, your time together, and see that you found meaning in those special moments.

The influence and joy that person has had on your life are far stronger than any challenge you will face. Use that to anchor you when things aren’t going your way. Never make another excuse, never take for granted, never forget. Remember, always remember, that you are lucky, that you are blessed, that you have this gift, called life.

Principle: When life hits you hard, find something to be cheerful about.

When you are cheerful, you turn your challenges into your advantage. Cheerfulness is a feeling. It is developed inside-out. It’s not a perception that makes it look like your life is perfect. It’s an inner-contentment, an attitude of choice, the last of the human freedoms that is with you till the very end.

Your circumstances are never too harsh to find something to be cheerful about. Thomas Edison saw opportunity as he watched his factory burn to the ground. Viktor Frankl found joy in the moment despite being separated from his family, beaten hourly, nearly starving to death, and performing excruciating labor under severe conditions.

When you are cheerful in the moment you prevent:

• Being overwhelmed.

• Feeling sorry for yourself.

• Being obsessed with the result.

• Allowing outside factors to defeat you.

• Obsessing over trivial matters.

• Suppressing the painful moments in life.

• Getting lost in the narrative others create about you.

When you are cheerful in the moment you create:

• A peace of mind.

• A broader perspective of the challenges others face.

• An appreciation of the present moment.

• An unbreakable, positive attitude that outside factors cannot take from you.

• Being focused on the positive relationships, your purpose, helping others, growing into your best self – the most important things in life.

• Ways to honor those you lose, and make the best of everything that person taught you.

• An understanding that the narratives others project at you is not what defines and shapes all that you are.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Confusing being cheerful with acting like a manic hyena.
• Mistaking being cheerful with not caring about your circumstances.
• Thinking shallow qualities – aesthetics, status, luxury –  will provide deep, meaningful, fulfillment

Key Takeaways:

• Being cheerful is finding something funny in the moment, appreciating what you have, and having a realization of a new beginning.
• Being cheerful will protect, anchor and prepare you for future and current trials you are up against.
• Surface level feelings – greed, resentment, self-pity, envy, contempt, narcissism, shortsightedness, revenge – cannot survive in “The Deep Sea” of the mind; only can feelings of cheerfulness, joy, compassion, and love.

Taking Action:

It’s time to find something to be cheerful about. Voyage past the intellectual, beneath the superficial, free of the conventional, and you will find something exceptional.