The “Self-Care” Misconception14 min read

A buddy I met in my psych 101 class at community college, who my friends and I refer to as Tye Dye, is a unique character. Tye Dye was that guy in class who annoyingly participates and shares personal stories EVERY possible chance he gets. To say he was an overachiever is an understatement. He would actually do the assigned reading. NOBODY does the assigned reading, except Tye Dye. Motherfucker damn near had 200 completed units at the community college. 

We had a big test worth ⅓ of our grade, so what does Julian do?

Not show up, of course.   

I get a call from Tye Dye right before the class is about to start. I ignore, but he leaves me a voicemail:

Tye Dye: Dude, where the fuck are you? You better have gotten locked up in Tijuana jail or something. Give me a call. Later.

He sounded like he’d been shot in the ribs.

I love it – I miss taking an exam and Tye Dye takes the emotional pain while I stay home and do nothing productive. I can already hear Tye Dye’s words: “DON’T YOU WANT TO LEARN?!?!?!?!?” 

Why did I miss the exam? 

I didn’t feel like taking it.

Go ahead and roll your eyes. Halloween was coming up, so I needed my rest to be ready for the big weekend. I’d hate to overwork myself. 

But…after the Halloween shenanigans were over, I was spent. I needed at least another week to recover from that catastrophe. 

I turned into a Netflix hoe. It’s embarrassing to admit this, but I practically sold all of my self-respect when I started watching reality TV. Not Jersey Shore (I’m not a lunatic), but one of those reality TV shows where a couple is looking to buy a home. And of course, they’re both unemployed yet somehow have a five million dollar budget. Go figure.

Anyways, I was hooked like a fat kid on cake. But I didn’t quite feel amazing after all the binging so the solution was obvious: watch more bullshit about people bullshitting their way through life.

Translation: I didn’t do shit that month.

***

This turned into a vicious cycle. The more I put off what I needed to do, the more I sought out pleasure-driven activities to give me an escape. I gave myself “valid reasons” that I needed to “rest” and have “time to myself” to avoid responsibilities. I told myself it was “self-care.”

People are now using “self-care” as a justification to be a lazy shit. Examples include: eating a stupid amount of ice cream, watching Netflix/playing video games all day, and posting on social media for validation. In other words, anything that is centered around being lazy and neglecting responsibilities falls under this type of false “self-care.” 

There’s a time and place for these activities (except for being a Validation Whore), which will be described later. 

The “self-care” phrase is being loosely used, blurring the meaning of what it truly represents. Now it has become a modern rationalization that many use to absolve them of taking action with their life. Consequently, this takes away the true purpose of what self-care started out as, the true value of how it can transform anyone’s life. 

I know people who take months of this type of “self-care” before taking actions committed to their path. Months. They wait until they feel absolutely, entirely refreshed, or so they think, before they take actions beyond immediate gratification. It’s one of the great delusions of our time. The very thing they’re avoiding is what will in fact make them feel whole. 

This is not for the self-pity individual. This is not for the chronic complainers of the world or the individuals who play the victim. People who object strongly about what is to come are likely in those categories. This is for the person who chooses to persevere rather than tap out when things get tough.

Believe it or not, the purpose of this post is not to make you feel bad and not to minimize self-care. It’s meant to offer you some insight into what real self-care is, for your benefit. It’s meant to warn you about today’s misconception of self-care and how it is in fact the road to misery, not wholesome fulfillment. The purpose of this post is to explain what true self-care is and how a few small adjustments transform your day. These small, yet transformational changes can be the difference between a life of emptiness, or a life of growth, fulfillment, and purpose.

The Vicious Cycle

People think that if they don’t feel 100% rejuvenated and refreshed, that the answer is simply more self-care. More binging, more wasting time. Sure, taking a day to enjoy yourself is good, but it’s the person who thinks if they don’t feel entirely amazing after that day, then they need another day of doing nothing, and then another, and then another. And so the cycle repeats.

The reason people don’t always feel refreshed after this type of self-care is because it wasn’t earned. Slacking off that week won’t allow you to fully enjoy it, thus only getting a fraction of the rejuvenating, refreshing effects. 

In effect, since this type of self-care is mainly pleasure-driven, it gives us a high. But like any high, to get the same effect, you need a stronger hit next time, and then more the next time, and then…you’re hooked. More shitty food, more Netflix, more video games, more time doing nothing of value. And then one day, you’ve strayed so far away from your path, that it’s abandoned. Forgotten, robbing the world of the gift that only you can offer.

Self-Care? More Like Self-Destruction 

This post isn’t saying to never indulge in activities that are meant for fun and pure enjoyment – the distinction when to have fun time absolutely for yourself will be described in detail shortly.

Eating shitty food, wasting time, being lazy is the opposite of self-care – it’s quite disrespectful to yourself – you’re treating yourself with little value. If you truly care about yourself, then you will take care of yourself, not eat a gallon of ice cream and twenty twinkies. These types of actions are in fact treating yourself unkindly. How can you treat yourself unkindly and call that self-care?

Doing things that only feed you comfort is not self-care. 

Prioritizing pleasure before purpose is not self-care.

Wasting time is not self-care.

Being lazy and thinking that will rejuvenate you is not self-care.

Seeking attention from others is not self-care.

Making excuses to delay what you know you should be doing with your life is not self-care.

Not taking care of yourself, avoiding things you know you should be doing will only make you lose respect for yourself. And what happens when we don’t respect ourselves?

• We allow others to walk all over us
• We have no boundaries
• We doubt what we can truly accomplish 
• We feel dead inside
• We have zero backbone
• We don’t think we’re worth much
• We settle for mediocrity 
• We stop growing

How can doing things that cause you to regress in life be considered taking care of yourself? 

Neglecting your health, sacrificing your goals, abandoning your mission in life is anything but self-care. It’s self-destruction.

I hope you see there is much at stake to this false sense of “self-care.” The good news is, there is a small yet effective way to practice real self-care that still allows you to make time meant entirely for yourself. And on top of that, when you apply the principle, it will make the times meant for pure enjoyment feel exponentially better, more refreshing, and more rejuvenating.

Make The Day Count

Real self-care is about making the day count. The best way to make your day count is by taking actions committed to your path. Your path is how you live your life, and is meant to contribute to a higher purpose, being your mission. When you’re on your path, your work, health, relationships, goals, and ambitions are all simultaneously elevated. 

When you make the day count you respect yourself. You have a better relationship with yourself (which is the heart of healthy self-esteem). You are comfortable saying no. You don’t feel the need to be a people-pleaser (which in the long run displeases people). 

Actions that make each day count aren’t just “work tasks.” Many of them can be just as enjoyable such as taking a walk, going to the beach, or writing in a journal. The point isn’t to exhaust yourself, the point is to commit to actions that help you progress forward.

Making each day count means…

• Taking a walk
• Exercising
• Meditating 
• Reading a book
• Eating a healthy meal
• Prioritizing your purpose over pleasure
• Delaying immediate gratification
• Reflecting in a journal
• Committing to small daily habits
• Doing something outside your comfort zone
• Learning something new
• Using/applying what you learn
• Questioning your assumptions/perspectives
• Being disciplined with your goals
• Being disciplined with your emotions
• Making time for people who are important, for your health, and for your goals. 
• Doing that task that scares you, but you know you should pursue

These examples are general. Everyone has their path, so I cannot write what those are for you. Your task is to come up with your own actions that keep you on your path.

Do things that help you grow, and you’ve made the day count.

Nothing energizes you in the way that living for a higher purpose does. It’ll fuel you when you don’t feel at your best. It’ll rejuvenate you in ways that nothing else can. It’ll make you come alive when you feel tired. Taking actions that keep you on your path guide you to your purpose, and nothing can compete with that type of energy. 

Making the day count requires some discipline, but it is rewarding beyond measure. Would you rather experience the temporary discomfort of taking action, or the lingering regret that you’ve wasted the day?

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” 

Jim Rohn

A Heightened Reality 

It is very important to schedule time exclusively for yourself, allowing yourself to unwind, relax, and decompress. But if you did not make that day count before taking time off, then there will be underlying feelings of guilt.

A lot of the time when people emphasize self-care at a point in their life they’re seeking some healing, some time to recharge. But I will tell you, knowing you’ve been slacking off, that will drain you. That will only make the wound worse. 

When we waste the day, we become numb to the experiences that are meant to uplift us. We become desensitized to the times that are meant for fun. The guilt, the feeling of delaying and putting off what you know you should be doing will only wear you out more. 

The truth is, when you are on your path, there is an invigorating feeling that makes you come alive. And, when you’re off it, the opposite happens: there’s a sense of anxiety, a loss of purpose, a sense of guilt that you’re putting off what’s most important. When you make each day count though, there is a sense of fulfillment that pleasure-driven activities cannot compete with.

When we waste the day, we cannot truly immerse in moments of fun. When we waste the day and elect for only indulgent activities, we’re running away from reality, not immersing in it. And it is impossible to be in the present moment when you run away from reality. Thus, not making the day count takes us out of the present moment, serves as an escape rather than enjoyment, making the day anything but self-care. Only self-destruction. 

A heightened reality, you can call it. When you make the day count, the moments of taking time entirely for yourself will illuminate the experience. There’s nothing quite like being immersed in the present, but when we are, sensations are heightened.   

The only reason I emphasize this is because prioritizing your life around pleasure-driven activities over your mission is a recipe for misery. It’s not to make you feel bad. It’s meant to warn you not to fall into the deception that wasting time will somehow improve your circumstances. 

Instead, do things that make you come alive, that contribute to your path, and then when the time comes to schedule time entirely for yourself, see how much better you will feel. 

This Doesn’t Mean Be A Workaholic 

Knowing you could have given more doesn’t mean you should have worked until you exhausted yourself. There’s a middle ground to this where you know there was some action you could have taken that wouldn’t have killed you. Some action that would leave you feeling more fulfilled and whole and energized by the end of the day rather than not doing anything at all. 

This isn’t about tiring yourself out, it’s about taking steps forward, even small steps forward that would make the day count. That is all this post is about. Take, at the minimum, some actions forward. 

A workaholic doesn’t manage their energy, neglects relationships, and devalues their health (which in the long run compromises the quality of their work). Workaholics lose their spark and creative, innovative energy for their craft. It’s a distraction, not a mission. 

The person doing what they’re meant to do, dedicated to their mission is alive. The person dedicated to their mission knows when to pump the breaks and be still, and in effect, they experience more productivity and fulfillment. The workaholic on the other hand, works harder, not smarter. The person on a mission, works smarter, and is more enthusiastic. The workaholic strains, the person on a mission is seemingly effortless.

What if you’re depressed? 

It is no coincidence that people who often suffer from ailments experience tremendous improvement when they immerse themselves in a higher purpose. Living for a higher purpose is the very thing that can take people out of a depression, rejuvenate them, and heighten the enjoyment of leisure activities. 

That is real self-care. You’ve given yourself reason to believe you made today count. You chose to step up rather than cower. You have actions to back it up. One small decision can turn things around, more than you know.  

When things aren’t going well, ask yourself, “what is one small decision I can make that would make today a win?” Make that decision, and by the end of the day, you will feel better about yourself. 

Also, feeling “a bit down” isn’t real depression. This is reserved when you are very depressed, and shouldn’t be used as the default reason to do one thing. If this is used loosely, then it’s more of a rationalization to absolve taking responsibility than real depression. There are times to push through, and there are times to pump the breaks, slow down and focus on one thing to do that would make the day a win. 

The “E” Word 

In Ryan Holiday’s book, Stillness Is The Key he talks about the “E” word. The “E” word meaning, enough. You are enough. You don’t need other people’s approval, validation, a certain amount of money, possessions, accomplishments to confirm that you matter. You already do. 

You are enough. 

Remember that. That simple reminder alone may be just the type of self-care you need. Sometimes self-care isn’t just an activity, it can be a reminder. Never forget that you are, enough. 

Principle: Make each day count by taking actions committed to your path.

In the long run, you will not feel better about yourself by pursuing endless pleasure-driven activities and calling it self-care. In the long run, you will feel at your very best knowing you made each day count.

You will notice a surprising energetic effect when you make the day count. Each effort to make the most of your day will build a momentum, further incentivizing you to accomplish more. A rhythm is created – there is no straining, just a constant flow of being immersed in the moment, charged by the unmatched, the unrivaled, the unparalleled feeling of doing exactly what you were born to do.

Don’t waste time, because one day you will be out of time. 

Make today count. 

Pitfalls to Avoid:

•  Mistaking eating unhealthy food, getting off your path, and being lazy as “self-care.”
•  Thinking that making the day count means being a workaholic. 
•  Thinking you can be in the present moment when you’re running away from reality. Don’t kid yourself. 

Key Takeaways:

• Abandoning your mission, compromising your health, getting off your path is not self-care. It’s self-destruction. 
• When you make the day count, the moments of taking time entirely for yourself will heighten the experience, making it significantly more enjoyable.
• Making the day count can take you out of a depression, can turn a bad day into a great day, and can provide a spark to your path unlike anything else.

Taking Action:

Start small. Do one thing to make the day count, even if it takes only five minutes.