Being Pessimistic vs. Being a Realist13 min read

I’m writing at a local Starbucks, and some guy I’d see there from time to time sits next to me. He looked like Jacob from the movie Road Trip: long-ish blond hair styled similar to a bowl-cut, but all over the place like he’d just walked out of the strip club. Know-it-all glasses complemented with an overly smug expression like he knows the answer to all of your problems but won’t tell you for his own amusement. 

And then, there’s his voice. 

It’s hard to describe, but Jacob sounded like he was in theatre class. Always dramatically raising and lowering his pitch while over-emphasizing every vocal cord like he was in a monologue. He spoke as if he had an audience on the edge of their seat for his every word. 

For fun (and accuracy), we’ll call him Jacob in this story.

Jacob sits down, skips the “Hi, how are you?” small talk and gets straight to the point:

Jacob: WHY do you spend all this time writing? Don’t you know the success rate is [dramatic pause] …so low?  

Me: Did you read that on Wikipedia?

Jacob: No. I just know. WHY do you pursue…writing?  

The word “writing” damn near made him puke. But hey, if I watched reality TV and played video games 10 hours a day my brain would probably be intolerant to the written word as well.

Me: Because it’s my mission.

Jacob: Well, my FRIEND’S BROTHER’S UNCLE tried it and…he…failed.

Why do people always refer to a distant family member as support to win an argument? What’s that supposed to do, make them an authority on any topic?

Me: Well I’m not your friend’s whatever. 

Jacob: My friend’s BROTHER’S UNCLE!

Me: And? 

Jacob: And HOW are you going to make real money? 

Me: By writing real content with real principles that gives people real results. 

Jacob: Honey, you don’t have the NECESSARY life experience to write “real” content.

Yeah, he called me “Honey.” Why? Probably to sound more condescending. And for context, Jacob was about ten years older than me, but talking like he had 50+ years of experience. 

I could have mentioned the “unique” experiences I’ve had – death threats from haters and ex-girlfriends, getting banned from a writing center in college for “inappropriate” jokes, living with crackhead roommates, high school kids playing beer pong in class when I was a substitute teacher. 

I could have mentioned the amazing mentors I had growing up. The invaluable lessons they taught me, the leadership they exemplified, the strong qualities they embodied.

I could have mentioned the day-to-day uncertainty that comes with battling disease. I won’t get into the details, but knowing that any given day your body might fail you, and choosing to persevere in spite of that certainly deserves merit as “life experience.”

But why would I? Why give someone, who is already putting you down, personal information for them to further sabotage? 

Me: I have lived more than you probably ever will. 

Jacob: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! How DARE you!  I’m just a REALIST. I’m trying to HELP. TO HELP!

Yes, he really echoed himself.  

Me: Actually you’re not. But go on.

Jacob: You’re just TOO YOUNG to understand. 

Me: But old enough to know your “wisdom” is a poorly disguised cover-up for your personal insecurities and fears.

A bit much? Possibly. But a cold dose of realism was long overdue for Drama Queen Jacob.

Jacob’s face freezes, veins popping out of his forehead like he’d been constipated all this time. But then it was like a lightbulb flickered out or nowhere.

Jacob: OH!! You’re probably a LEO. HAHA!! HAHA!! YES, that’s it. 

Me: You guessed it. 

Jacob: HAHA! HAHA! I knew it. OF COURSE. Such a Leo. So naive and misguided.

Me: Fooled ya – I’m a Gemini. Guess your horoscope stuff isn’t so accurate after all.

Jacob: WHAAAA…HOW…DARE…YOU! 

Me: It’s ok. I like science fiction from time to time too.

Jacob: You need to GROW UP. You’ve had an EASY LIFE. YOU, [dramatic pause] will be HUMBLED one day. 

Jacob storms out of Starbucks. Was he rehearsing for theatre class? I was unsure, but the dramatic exit nudged me to think so. 

Heads turn in my direction, I loosely shrug my shoulders and get back to my work, my mission. 

***

A pessimist that believes in horoscopes, the ultimate contradiction.

More importantly, chances are that you’ve experienced a similar scenario: You’re minding your own business and someone interrupts to give you their opinion when you didn’t ask for it. Their criticism is never to help, but to put you in an inferior position that gives them a false sense of self-worth. Then, when confronted for their put-downs, they fall back on the claim that they’re being a “realist.” 

There has been much grey area surrounding what makes someone a pessimist vs. a realist. These two terms have become loosely used, which unfortunately has only blurred their meaning, creating overlap and confusion. And where there is confusion, there is manipulation.

A pessimist’s goal is to confuse you. Confusion = successful manipulation = doubting yourself, devaluing who you are, giving up on your goals, and if not careful, becoming a pessimist. 

After reading this post, the next time a pessimist drops the “I’m just a realist” line, you can calmly give them a quick lesson on what qualities a true realist embodies. You will see through the front they’re putting on. Their all-knowing “wit” will be exposed as a fearful, envious attack. Their claims that they’re “just trying to help” will be revealed as an indirect outlet for their hostility toward you. The act they put on, the desperate attempts to make you feel inferior will be obvious. 

Once you have a clear understanding of the distinction between a pessimist and realist, you will have knowledge of why pessimists act the way they do, making it significantly less likely for them to get under your skin. In fact, you may find their petty attempts to put you down to be quite funny. They are, your not-so-secret-admirer after all, but in their own twisted way. But most importantly, they won’t put out the fire, the drive, the determination inside you that fuels you to rise above challenges and thrive. 

The Ugly Pessimist

Pessimists can be very persuasive. They’re masters of subtlety and suggestion. Compliments are likely backhanded, their reasoning often appears logical, their arguments are ever so convincing.  But worst of all, their sour attitude is infectious. Think you can’t be fooled? Then that is foolishness in full action.

A pessimist is dead on the inside, so when they see something that makes you come alive – the love for your mission*, fulfilling relationships, continuous learning and personal growth – they want to destroy that. There is a fire in you they recognize that they once had, but they allowed a challenge to defeat them and put it out. The grim truth is, rather than re-ignite that fire and get back on their path*, they’d rather put yours out and watch you wander aimlessly, purposeless, with no real mission in life. 

Here’s a danger of being around pessimists: without fail, they will find ways to invalidate your experience. And if you’re around them for too long, you too, will invalidate your experiences, minimize what you’ve faced, and ultimately invalidate your worth. 

That is the ultimate risk, being around pessimists long enough will make you open to their suggestions, silently shaping your attitude and beliefs beyond your recognition, until it’s too late. Their influence will consume you, and the chances of snapping out of it is extremely unlikely.

**Your path is how you live your life – the daily disciplines, the qualities you embody, and the person you are becoming. Your mission is the purpose you’re pursuing that is bigger than yourself and helps others. They both are interdependent: without a path, you have no real direction or growth, which makes it impossible to contribute to your mission; without a mission, your path is a maze, making you wander aimlessly, with no real purpose in your life**

Pessimism vs. Realism

Consider the following distinctions that separate a realist from a pessimist:

Unrequested Advice

Pessimists are advice monsters. They give you unrequested advice because they assume everyone wants to hear their opinion. They’re led by the illusion that they are superior by giving unsolicited advice to others (which isn’t too far from a hallucination, if you think about it). 

A realist is selective in who they choose to share their advice with. The tough lessons they’ve learned, the experiences they’ve persevered, the failures they’ve endured – they do not give away such invaluable life lessons to just anyone. A realist only shares such insight with those they believe to be receptive and determined to make a change.

Skepticism

A realist can view a situation with an equal amount of skepticism as a pessimist, but where they differ is that a pessimist searches for pitfalls to absolve them from taking action, whereas a realist searches for pitfalls for the purpose of taking action.

In other words, one looks for pitfalls to give up, the other looks for pitfalls to make the most intelligent decision as possible.

False Impressions

The pessimist creates a persona, an aura that they’re full of knowledge, but it is all performed. The front they put on is likely the very opposite of who they truly are: They act like they have all the answers when in reality they don’t have a clue. They tell you exactly how you should be living your life, yet they’re wandering aimlessly without any real purpose in theirs. Their decisiveness may radiate confidence to the average person, but it is all an overcompensation for their timid, hesitant nature. 

Rather than put on a never-ending, exhausting act, the realist embodies integrity. This means that their beliefs, words, and actions are seamlessly aligned. The decisions they make are the same whether someone is watching or not. They don’t change their personality from person to person, but rather, are consistent in how they treat and interact with others. 

The Constant

A realist is someone who can be considered a “constant”, meaning, day in and day out you know what to expect from them. They’re consistent in who they are, which means they are reliable and trustworthy. They won’t abandon you when things get tough, they won’t betray you at the first sign of some petty personal gain. They’re true to who they are.

The pessimist, too, is a “constant” but in a much different way than the realist. The only thing they’re consistent with is their negativity and sour nature. Outside of that, they are unpredictable. One day they may seem to be listening intently to you (or, more like silently judging), another day they seem to take unnecessary shots at you that seemingly came out of nowhere. Another, they’ll be more indirect, using passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, and the slightest suggestion that takes root hours later. It’s walking on eggshells with them, never truly knowing what version of them – the listener, the hater, the passive aggressor – will show up, making them anything but a constant. 

Tough Truths

A pessimist shys away from tough truths that may hurt the ego. They’d rather cling to some type of rationalization created in their mind to avoid taking ownership and personal responsibility with their circumstances. If they ever ask for advice, make no mistake, they want praise, not feedback.

The realist actively seeks truths that, while may be hard to swallow, they know are imperative to their growth. They routinely reflect on how they can be a stronger person. The realist seeks out people to give them true feedback on a goal or project they’re working on. The realist doesn’t want advice that’s sugar-coated or watered-down. They have the humility and willingness to dive deep and seek the tough truths because that’s where the greatest discoveries and room for growth lies. 

Restlessness

The endless rationalizations meant to absolve a pessimist from taking responsibility creates a restlessness in their mind. Imagine coming up with excuse after excuse, day after day, all to protect your ego. Imagine how many justifications would be living in your mind keeping you up at night. This is the reality for the pessimist. The endless excuses and rationalizations pile on top of each other, costing them a peace of mind, all for the sake of avoiding tough truths.

As a realist continuously reflects on how they can be a stronger person, on where they can improve in their craft, they never need to rationalize excuses. It may sound counterintuitive, but regularly looking at tough truths and areas of improvement gives you a peace of mind. There is clarity in seeking truth. There is relief when you are on your path. And when you have clarity and direction in where you’re going, your mind is at ease.  

Distortion

A pessimist will distort the truth, often by framing minor problems you’re facing into major setbacks, tempting you to give up. They have an ability to blur what’s important from what’s not worth your time, getting you to focus on insignificant matters. Your decisions become less decisive. Your drive begins to relent. Your path becomes an endless maze. 

The realist has the unique ability to listen to as many different viewpoints as possible without losing sight of the big picture, the mission. Their decision making is centered around taking actions that give them the greatest amount of return that contributes to their mission (think 80/20 rule). Even during times of uncertainty, moments when the odds are against you, being loyal to what matters most gives your clarity. 

Willpower

Pessimists are weak-willed. It takes zero willpower to see something in a negative lens.

Realists radiate willpower. Realists stand up to challenges, go outside their comfort zone, and search for solutions regardless if the odds are in their favor or not.

Baseless Opinions

A pessimist’s reasoning is often rooted in their baseless opinion, and nothing else. For some reason, they assume their opinion is superior to others’, even if the other party has facts.

It is not uncommon for a pessimist to take a highly unlikely scenario and use that as the basis for their argument:

Me: I like oysters.

Pess: What? Whhhy? Oysters KILLED a man, once.

Me: So have peanuts, and I bet you eat those. 

This is all a tactic and should inform you that they don’t have a real case, only a fabricated opinion.

A realist seeks facts first and foremost. They have the humility to acknowledge that their opinion is just, an opinion. This allows the realist to step back, take their ego out of the equation and see their situation with a bit of distance. Without this distance, then we become too close to the problem, making it impossible to see the big picture.

Adversity

Both the realist and pessimist have been knocked down, but where they differ is in their response to the challenge:

The pessimist views their shortcomings from the past as a reason to be sour and stuck in their ways. The realist uses their shortcomings from the past as a source of learning which propels them forward.

In short, a realist is fueled by the very thing that would crush a pessimist.

Principle: Be a realist.

Now that you know the distinctions between a realist and a pessimist, the next time someone puts you down and says they’re a “realist” or they’re “just trying to help”, kindly inform them what a true realist is about. Avoid being an asshole by sticking to facts in your defense. This is about standing your ground, not getting even. 

Without fail, they will respond by playing the victim. View that as a sign that they have no case against you, and is their last attempt to manipulate and deceive you. Have backbone in what you believe in, and the pessimist’s attempt to get under your skin will be an epic failure.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Thinking being around a pessimist won’t have an influence on you.
• Searching for facts that only align with your point of view and do not challenge your thinking (confirmation bias). 
• Invalidating your experiences just because someone minimizes them.

Key Takeaways:

• A pessimist operates by putting you down to give them a false sense of self-worth.
• A pessimist’s goal is to get you to be more like them – defeated, sour, and lack any real purpose in life.
• A realist has the humility to look at tough truths, has a growth-mindset, and looks at possible pitfalls for the purpose of making the most intelligent decision as possible. 

Taking Action:

Sometimes a cold dose of realism is necessary, particularly when they cross a boundary and persistently insult your character for no good reason, but you can do this without attacking them back:

If they give you some put-down that came out of nowhere and then claim they’re “ just trying to help”, it is not out of line to say “If you were trying to help, you’d look for solutions, not exclusively find fault.”  That’s it. And most of the time I don’t think it’s necessary going that far. They’re not looking to find common ground or reason with you, but if they keep persisting, kindly inform them what a realist is all about.