We All Have This Secret Admirer8 min read

I’m walking with a buddy and I hear a group of people behind me cracking up to some guy who we will call “Chet.”

Chet: HEY! PRETTY BOY!

Buddy: Julian I think he’s talking to you.

Me: Who cares? Let’s keep walking.

Chet: HEEEEEY PRETTY BOY! OVER HERE!  

His little posse erupts in laughter, as if he’d said something funny.

Annoyed, I turn around and face him. He looked like a guy who had left his eyeliner at home. Dressed in skinny jeans with a skin-tight hoodie and some hipster hat that I can’t even put a description on. Taller than the average guy but weighed less than a ½ barrel keg of beer.

Chet: LOOK! HE’S EVEN WEARING ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH!

Chet’s Posse: HAHAHAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Their laugh was as obnoxious as it was typed.

When it comes to dealing with a hater I usually either: 1) fuck with them 2) agree 3) ignore them completely. Today I cared much less about the occasional harassment than usual. He could call me a soft guido looking beta bitch and I wouldn’t care.

Me: Thanks, I was dying for everyone to notice.

Chet: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU BATHE SEVEN TIMES A DAY.

Chet’s Posse: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With each blab from his posse he got more and more fired up. But behind the facade lie gloomy, emo eyes. Not even the highest rush of confidence could conceal that.

Chet: YOU LOOK LIKE A FRAT BOY WITH A TWELVE YEAR OLD’S HAIRSTYLE.

Chet’s Posse: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The dude thought he was on a roll. I’m not sure if his posse were actual friends or were in fact paid to be there.  

Me: Ok, first – tell your groupies to shut up.

As if on cue they all made the same face of disgust at me.

Me: Second – why do you even care?

Chet: WUT.

Me: You’re a grown ass man making a big deal about another man’s hairstyle…that’s kind of weird.

His expression goes from being full of confidence to hesitant and indecisive.

Chet:…I…DON’T CARE.

Me: If you didn’t care you wouldn’t go out of your way to flip a bitch.

Thinking he’s such a clever shit talker, Chet flips me off.

Chet: FLIP THIS.

Chet’s Posse: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter how stupid the line, Chet’s posse backed him up with unbridled loyalty.

Me: That was one of the dumbest lines I’ve ever heard. I don’t have time for your schoolgirl drama. Have fun obsessing over the next guy’s hair.

My buddy and I walk away while Chet and his posse mutter nonsense.

I’m all for a good “YOU LOOK LIKE A ___” line, but only if it’s witty. I woulda stuck around if Chet hit me with something original. When someone hits you with a clever, funny line, that’s pure gold (such as my former roommate being roasted by his friends for looking like a “5th grader with a dyke haircut”).

***

We all have this type of person in our life. They want to ridicule you, they want to expose a weakness about you. There’s some trait or quality they see in you, but instead of appreciating it, they become driven to sabotage it.

As much as they try to hurt you however, it all stems from something they deeply admire about you. And this secret admiration they have for you comes down to one thing:

Envy.

The Most Supreme Compliment

There’s a lot of fake complimenters out there. They flatter to get something in return. They view people as pawns, telling them what they want to hear only to inevitably be disposed of.

But this admirer’s envy for you is the most supreme compliment – they admire something so strongly about you that they can’t cover it up. As much as they try to fight it, something about you struck them so strongly that they cannot help but be consumed by it.

There is more truth in someone’s actions than in their words. Your admirer is going out of their way just to cause you some discomfort. If they weren’t impressed by something about you, then they wouldn’t take time out of their day to hate on you.  

*This is not a post about flattering yourself. We all possess some qualities others wish they had, and vice versa. This is a post to understand where this type of admirer is coming from to make it easier to dismantle their attacks*

Moving the Spotlight

Your admirer will try to disguise their infatuation through attacking any weak points they can sniff out. They want to paint you as the villian, the undeserving, the corrupt individual. They spend time making justifications in their mind why it’s okay to attack you. They cling to an unfairness about you – that you have some trait or quality that you don’t deserve. As if trying to break you is a noble cause.

But don’t be fooled – that is the twisted way in which your admirer shows their affection. You’ve mesmerized them, and their way to cope is by trying to sabotage the very thing they wish they had.

The qualities about you they appear to be disgusted by, deep down, are qualities they constantly repress and secretly desire.

They wish they could be fun and free like you, but they can’t, so they label you as immature. They’ll frame you being career driven as being money hungry. They will suggest because you’re into fitness you must be self-absorbed. They will project because you are spontaneous that you’re unwise. There are endless possibilities of why your admirer is threatened by you.

Cupid’s Bow

This type of secret admirer has an offbeat way of showing their affection toward you: instead of celebrate what makes you unique, they want to destroy it.

It’s cupid’s bow – the pain they’re trying to inflict is really their way of expressing affection. Your admirer looks for the most vulnerable, tender spot to shoot their arrow of affection at you, hoping it sinks deeply into your heart.

This isn’t limited to strangers. Sometimes the most envious people are close friends. An envious friend’s arrow will hurt much more as they know exactly what pushes your buttons.

Knowing what drives you grants accuracy to the bow,
Your deepest desires unveils a sharp edge to the arrow,
Mixed with ill intentions adds venom to the dart,
A glimpse into your past makes the shot deadly to the heart.

But fear not, if you do this one thing, you can deflect any arrows shot at you…

Become Arrow-Proof

It is imperative that you do not give any belief to their attacks on you. If you believe their attacks to be true then it will cause you to stoop to their level and act out of anger, and worst of all, likely confirm their criticisms about you.

The #1 thing the admirer wants is to see that their arrow struck you in a tender spot. Your admirer wants their attack to sink deep, and showing they’ve caused you pain will bring them that satisfaction. Give no belief to their words and it will be as if they shot their arrow at you and it simply bounced off.

Never engage in their games. If you respond back to them do it out of playfulness and humor. I let Chet shit talk me for my own entertainment, but once he ran out of jokes I got bored and left.

Agreeing can take them off guard – it’s essentially saying you can joke about any vulnerability or weakness about yourself without having your self-esteem compromised, which will crush the hater.

The stronger your identity the easier this becomes. See any of the posts under the identity category to makes this a seamless transition. When you know who you are and what you’re about, any outside factors – people’s opinions, unfortunate circumstances, daily stressors – will be dismantled with ease.

Principle: Never put your faith in the words of a hater.

The Hater is your secret admirer. The two cannot be separated – there is no hater without envy. It’s an ugly quality that the hater does their best to conceal and disguise. Even those who come at you with a full head of steam (like Chet) may not even be aware that it’s out of envy.

The hater may say something that hurts, but the damage is done when we give our attention to their attack. The more you dwell on and consider their criticisms, the more you will believe them. Give zero regard to their words and the arrow will dull, bouncing right off you.

Use this information not to flatter yourself but to come from a place of understanding. If we can understand where the hater is coming from it’ll be easier not to take it personally and dismiss it. Once we realize it is all an insecurity being projected, and little to do with you, putting zero belief into their words will become second nature.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

• Getting defensive when the hater attacks you.
• Reacting out of resentment to the hater’s words – it will likely confirm their criticisms of you.
• Putting your faith into the hater’s words.

Key Takeaways:

• The pain the hater is trying to inflict is really their twisted way of showing affection.
• The qualities the hater appears to be disgusted by are actually qualities they secretly wish they had.
• Refrain from giving any consideration to the hater’s criticisms and you won’t have any belief in them.

Taking Action:

Make it a habit to give zero regard to the hater’s words. You can choose to ignore them, or you can choose to go along with it – it’ll show that acknowledging any vulnerabilities about yourself will not compromise your self-esteem, ultimately crushing the hater’s attack.