The Best (And Worst) Advice You’re Given11 min read

I’m sipping on some bone broth outside and notice a lady storming right in my direction. She was slender in stature but made up for it with a fierce, relentless look in her eye. It was windy so her oversized shirt and baggy gaucho pants flared up making her look extra frightening. Her high heels pounding the floor so loud you could hear that shit around the block. Either she’s late for a lash appointment or I’m on her list of shit to fuck up for the day.   

Luna Bloom: What is that? It can’t be vegan.

No, I was not at a vegan meetup, a vegan cafe, or a vegan anger management class. I was at the mall.  

It was that time of the hour to fuck around, so I didn’t want to neglect my duty.

Me: Is bone broth vegan?

She looks at my drink like it was a nuclear bomb. Terror floods her face, her eyes pressuring me to take back what I said.

Luna Bloom: What??? Of course not! IT’S BONES!

I’ve never heard “it’s bones” dropped in a sentence before, but I’m not here to judge. All of the outrage though only encouraged me to take this situation less and less seriously.

Me: Are you part of the Vegan Cartel?

Luna Bloom: THE WHAT??

Me: The Vegan Cartel. A little society to push a new world order by shaming meat-eaters into becoming protein-deficient weak little soy-boys.  

Luna Bloom: What the heck? Stop. Bone broth is such a fad!

Me: Fad? More like a classic. We’ve been consuming it for thousands of years.

Luna Bloom: No, it is so bad for you. You need to be eating fruits and vegetables. Go vegan.

Me: Ya know, I don’t have to be vegan to eat fruits and vegetables. 

Luna Bloom: No! You’re wrong! I read an article that said meat is bad.

Me: And I read an article that said it’s healthier to be fat. You can find an article on the internet that’ll support just about any opinion you have. Doesn’t mean they’re accurate.

Luna Bloom: I’m giving you ADVICE.

Me: I’m just tryin’ to drink my bone broth. Not have a debate. 

Luna Bloom: Guess you don’t care about your health.

Me: Guess not. See ya later.

End of conversation…so I thought.

Luna Bloom: I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Me: No, you’re not. You’re trying to shame others who don’t eat like you…assuming you follow your own advice.

Luna Bloom: OH MY GOD!!! Are you hearing yourself?!?! Chill out!

Me: Chill out? I was minding my own business and then you showed up. 

I see a random guy walking in our direction. 

Me: Careful! Angry vegan over here. 

*points at Luna Bloom*

She gives me a deathly scowl only a crazed soccer mom can give.

Me: What? Safety first.

Luna Bloom walks away.

***

What do you get when you mix a middle-aged “Karen” with hangry vegan tendencies? 

Luna Bloom, of course. 

But more importantly, mistaking bad advice for good advice can be quite costly. Sure, you may be good at telling the difference, but have you really learned all there is to know? Not knowing the difference between the two puts you at risk of being easily manipulated, and face it, we’ve all been deceived and tricked by others. 

People giving you poor-quality advice have a tendency to make you feel bad if you don’t take it. And worse, failure to discern good advice from bad advice puts you at risk of making mistakes you could have easily avoided. Some poor decisions may be trivial, but other decisions – such as how to respond to challenges, how to handle relationship problems, The Path you center your life around (or lack thereof) – could take years to physically, mentally, or emotionally recover from.  

This post is meant to answer one central question: how can I easily discern when someone is giving me quality advice or not?  

Even if you are well equipped at discerning good advice from bad advice (and that’s a BIG if), it’s better to refamiliarize with the tactics people may use on you rather than overestimate what you know. Assuming you know all there is to know is exactly the type of thinking that baits you into being misled and manipulated by others.

 Ignore the following at your peril. 

Signs of Terrible Advice

Unrequested advice

This is the #1 giveaway that you’re receiving terrible advice. There are countless reasons why someone may give you unrequested advice:

They may use giving unrequested advice as an indirect way to take a shot at you. Deep down they may have some envy or disgust toward you, in which case they will use giving “advice” (usually in an unnecessarily critical, passive-aggressive manner) as an opportunity to release that bottled-up contempt.

They may give unrequested advice because of entitlement. By default, a terrible advice-giver assumes they know more than others and feel the need to correct people. There is no intention to help here, only an intention to feel superior by telling others what to do. 

They may give unrequested advice because simply it’s the advice they avoid taking. This is another way they can use their unhappiness with themselves as an outlet to project onto you. 

A recurring message here is that unrequested advice is a way someone handles the disapproval of themselves, and projects it onto others as a way to cope, sadly. 

Absolute Certainty 

Take note of an overly-certain tone and conviction in their voice. Do not mistake this absolute certainty as confidence, as it is quite the opposite. Confidence is not overbearing, confidence is not an outward boast. An excessive portrayal of certainty should tell you that person is overcompensating, it should reveal a lack of confidence. People overly certain are the least informed and often have a very narrow, one-dimensional perspective of what they’re talking about.  

As the old saying goes, “the less you know, the more you think you know.”

They use titles against you

It doesn’t matter if that person is an “authority” on the topic. “Oh I’m a personal trainer”, “I’m a therapist”, “I’m a dietician” aren’t legit reasons alone. If that person is truly knowledgeable in their field, then they can offer you insight on their expertise, rather than resort to using a title against you. 

They’re saying that because of a title they have then by default they know more than you. I can’t tell you how many personal trainers and health practitioners have given advice that is not only incorrect but dangerously harmful.

They make you feel guilty if you don’t take their advice

It’s not uncommon for them to get defensive or take it personally if you choose not to take their advice. They will position themselves as the victim if you ignore their performed generosity. How inconsiderate and ungrateful of you for not taking their compassionate, selfless words of wisdom, or so they will make you think.

They attack your character 

Similar to the previous point, they take guilt-tripping you a step further by making you seem like a horrible person all due to having a difference in opinion. 

Rather than counter with facts and reason, they resort to bully tactics by attacking your character. They will jump to a conclusion, blow it out of proportion, meant to paint you as the villain. You’re Christian so you hate gays. You’re atheist so you have no morals. This is an act of an extremely manipulative person. They key in on finding some vague generalization about you and attribute the worst possible trait to it. 

They are essentially punishing you because you don’t have the same beliefs as them, which, by the way, is the very essence of being a dictator.

They drop the “I’m just trying to help” lie

One of the biggest lies people tell. People who drop this line are using it to hold you hostage: if you don’t agree with them then they guilt-trip you implying you’re a terrible person for rejecting their “helpfulness.” It’s a cop-out, a justification that gives them the license to talk down to you, hiding under the guise of being “helpful.”

Think about the word ad-vice. Vice is defined as “immoral or weak behavior”, and ad is short for advertisement. Advertisements are often unrequested, just as bad advice is. Someone spitting out the “I’m giving you advice” line is solely advertising their weak and immoral judgment on you.

Obviously this does not mean anytime someone says they’re trying to help that it’s a lie. But more often than not, the person trying to help focuses on helping, not justifying. 

They constantly interrupt you 

People who have a need to talk over you are not operating from a place to help, but often a place to control.  In their mind, cutting you off eliminates any opportunities for you to articulate valid points in response, and in turn, allows them to control the narrative. 

They may interrupt simply because they don’t care what you have to say and have no interest in listening. Anytime you’re in the presence of an Interrupting Whore, they’re not listening. 

They think there is only one solution (their solution) to solve your problem

Watch out for a terrible advice-giver who has an unconditional commitment to their solution. This type of advice is usually centered around themselves, rather than your current circumstances. They had a positive experience going vegan and now assert going vegan is the only way to be healthy. They had positive fitness results from CrossFit, and now the only way to be fit is if you do CrossFit. They create a universal solution based on a singular experience.

It’s one thing to share your experience and how it’s helped you, but it’s entirely another thing to tell people what to do and pressure them into doing it. 

The Very Best Advice

They ask questions.

Immediately telling someone an answer and expecting them to blindly obey it often accomplishes the opposite: it heightens a person’s defenses, closes them off to suggestions, and makes them more likely to blame and create excuses. 

Think about a time someone imposed their opinion on you. How’d it feel? Probably not good. When someone pressures you to take their advice they’re not allowing you to think for yourself. 

Thinking for yourself is a fundamental human freedom, and when that freedom is taken away (or attempted to be taken away), it doesn’t sit too well with people, and rightfully so. We should never pledge blind allegiance to another person’s demands. We should always think for ourselves, but terrible advice-givers don’t want you to think for yourself, they want you to obey. 

*Even in this post and everything I write on this blog, I want you to think for yourself. Feel free to disagree 🙂 

Questions on the other hand cause people to turn inward and think. Asking someone questions that are free of judgment shows you value their perspective which puts people in an empowered state of mind. 

And when we’re in an empowered mindset, we’re much more willing to part ways with blaming and excuses. When we feel empowered, our belief of what we can do and what we can overcome is exponentially greater. When we are in an empowered state of mind our ego isn’t dominating our thinking, thus making us more willing to confront our BS and look to heal the root of the problem, rather than treat the symptom. 

People giving you quality advice rarely call it advice. As mentioned above, ad-vice is a person advertising weak and immoral judgment. On the contrary, someone who has real words of wisdom doesn’t “advertise” it, but rather asks questions.

Someone giving great advice may even know the solution, but unlike someone giving unrequested advice, they want you to discover the solution on your own, and they will do so by asking you questions. 

Questions empower us to find real solutions. 

Every situation is in a category of its own. 

They understand that while two situations may be similar, there isn’t a universal, “one size fits all” solution. The best advice-givers understand this and treat each situation as one of a kind. What worked for them may not work for everybody and they seek to explore a variety of options to find the most effective solution.

They rely on seeking context over clinging to their assumptions. 

Terrible advice-givers mistake their snap judgments as facts. The best advice-givers want to know the surrounding details of the situation, any backstory, and any other important pieces of information before jumping to a conclusion. 

You have their undivided attention.

Terrible advice-givers are easily distracted. Their heads turn to the slightest disturbance. Their eyes dull under the slightest pause in your speech. But those who give the best advice are completely immersed in what you have to say. Anytime someone is asking you questions and trying to learn as much about your situation as possible has given you their undivided attention.

***

As this is a list of signs of bad advice, and signs of quality advice to look out for, I’ve decided to lengthen the principle into a couple of paragraphs to fully encapsulate the message. 

Principle: Anytime someone uses terrible advice-giving tactics – unrequested advice, absolute certainty, uses titles against you, attacks your character, interrupts you, claims there is only one solution – don’t allow them to pressure you. These tactics are meant to play on your emotions and get you to react impulsively. Instead, take a moment to pause, step back, and think for yourself.

At the same time, anytime someone is seeking context, listening, and asking you questions, give that person your undivided attention. This is a rare gem, more valuable than gold, and should never be taken for granted, as they may hold the key to unlocking the answers you’ve been searching for.

Pitfalls to Avoid:

•  Mistaking someone’s absolute certainty as confidence and competence in a topic. 
•  Deferring to someone just because of a title they hold.
•  Falling for the “I’m just trying to help” lie.

Key Takeaways:

• Unrequested advice is a way someone handles the disapproval of themselves and projects it onto others as a way to cope.
• When someone asks you questions they’re empowering you to think for yourself and discover solutions on your own.  
• The less you know, the more you think you know.   

Taking Action:

Be highly selective in whose advice you take. Refer to the signs to watch out for to most effectively discern good advice from bad advice. Also, be on the lookout for any additional signs that may not have been covered in this post to further expand your knowledge!