How To Spot A Fake Compliment6 min read

 

I’m at some random house party and find myself having a conversation about nutrition with some guy:

Fake Asshole: So how do you know all this stuff about health? You’re sooo smart.

Me: Um, just being open to different perspectives, reading different types of books, always learning.

Fake Asshole: Wow that’s really smart!

His enthusiasm seemed a bit over the top, but I figure he’s just trying to be polite and decent.

Me: Oh thanks. You know, variety is the spice of life.

His eyes bug out and jaw drops. He looked blown away, like he just came out of a psychedelic trip and had profound clarity of life.

Fake Asshole: WOW! That’s a good one!!!

He turns to a group of dudes playing the card game “Magic” in the corner.

Fake Asshole: Guys! Listen to what he just said!

Their heads perk up and all lean in with a smirk on their face.

Fake Asshole: Say it again!

Me: Uh…variety…is…the spice of life…

Fake Asshole’s Friends: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEHEEEHEEEE!!!!

They sounded like a group of anime characters laughing at the stupid shit only anime characters would find funny.

Me: Are these your Hello Kitty fanboys?

Fake Asshole: Good one! So original!

This ass-clown thought he was hilarious. I should have known, any response I gave him was only encouraging his little stunt. His intent this entire time was to mock me.

Me: Whatever. You’re lame.

Fanboy: So enlightening!

Me: [to Fanboy] Shut your face.

Fanboy didn’t seem to be bothered. Good for him. He looked like he hadn’t had a laugh in a decade. I’d hate to be the buzzkill.

Fake Asshole: I mean you should write Hallmark cards or something.

Me: Dude you’re the leader of a bunch of nerds playing Magic at a party. Get your life together. I’m out.

They snicker like little school girls while I walk away.

***

The world is filled with fake complimenters. Sure, most are not as absurd as Fake Asshole’s, but getting an insincere compliment can be far more subtle than we may realize. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if that person saying kind things actually means them or not. They may be trying to mess with you, they may envy you, or they may have an angle – looking to get something in return to increase their status.

But if you learn to spot fake compliments, you will be able to appreciate the real ones. There won’t be a feeling of second guessing yourself if that person had the right intentions or not. Knowing real from fake compliments will give you much more ease of mind when you know they’re genuine.

Learning this distinction is much more than seeing if someone is saying something nice to you or not. If you can spot a real complimenter from a fake one you will have a better sense of who to trust and who to keep at arm’s length. When you get a sense of spotting the fake complimenters it will help you see past the front people put on making you less likely to fall for the charm, the manner, the facade.

Ask yourself these questions to know if you’re getting real or fake compliments:

Does it feel more “performed” than natural?

There is likely some type of extreme in their voice – they may sound too excited for you, as if they’ve used that line on countless others. This is an overcompensation. If someone is excited for you that doesn’t mean it’s fake, but if it seems rehearsed, almost theatrical, be wary.

Also, watch for something in their body to not be in sync with their words. Perhaps they managed to sound natural, but there is an uneasiness or tense feel to their body. When we say something that goes against what we believe, it pains us. Look for physical signs of discomfort – a stiffness in the body, a dull look in their eye, a deflated look in their posture – as this is the body’s resistance to expressing a false truth.

“The body never lies”

Martha Graham

Is it vague?

You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re beautiful – these are dropped endlessly by the fake complimenter. They’re not very specific.

Being specific shows they were actually paying attention, listening, and taking the time to understand you, which a fake complimenter does not go through the trouble to do.

This is not to say anytime someone says you’re cute or funny it is fake, but to keep in mind that they’re favored by the fake complimenter, so be on alert for them.

Does it feel the slightest bit backhanded?

Gym Guy: Bro you’re lookin good.

Me: Thanks!

Gym Guy: No prob! Especially if you lost twenty pounds. You’d look GREAT.

If it’s slightly backhanded then there will be underlying signs of hostility or even envy in the compliment. This means that person is a disguised hater and you should get away from them, as this is only the beginning of their petty games.

Do they know you well enough to be giving you that type of compliment?

If someone is showering you with compliments about how amazing you are and you’ve only been together for a few weeks, it’s not real. The truth is, they don’t know you well enough to truly know that. Knowing if someone is truly amazing takes time.

Either they are saying those things expecting you to do something in return (I wonder what that could be?), or they’re very needy (and very likely a crazy). If you refuse to accept this then you’re setting yourself up to get played or manipulated down the road.

Is it absurd?

Let’s be honest, are you really that good at Xbox?

Is it slightly out of bounds, even just a little bit? You’ve got to drop your ego for this one. Deep down we have an idea of our competency, but if we get hooked on some fake compliment we will overestimate our abilities and lose a sense of realism:

You don’t want to be the person who is told they’re smart and then assumes they know more than everyone.

You don’t want to be the person who is told they’re special and then interprets that to feel entitled to everything.

You don’t want to be the person who receives a compliment in a field they’re new to and then thinks they’re some hotshot.

Appreciating vs. Flattering

In this post about being honest, I mention searching for someone who is appreciating you over flattering you. Someone who appreciates you truly admires a quality in you while somebody who is flattering is “giving to get.” This also applies to spotting the real from fake compliments.

A real compliment is detailed and specific.

A real compliment goes beyond surface-value and sees unique qualities in you.

A real compliment has no hidden agenda or ulterior motive.

A real compliment is 0% envy, and 100% genuine appreciation.

A real compliment makes the person giving the compliment feel great. Extending genuine appreciation toward you brightens their day. Their face lights up when they share those kind words. Their body is uplifted, their voice is full of life – that quality they’ve seen in you makes them come alive.

When you spot this type of compliment you can relax as it is honest and sincere. You’ve come across a trustworthy person who is a unique gift to the world.

But most importantly, to best spot real compliments from fake compliments, don’t just look for them, but be the one who gives them.