I’m having a conversation with one of my doctors who knows a bit too much about me. He knows some crazy shit I’ve gotten myself into so to say he is blunt with me is an understatement:
Me: I am for real done dating Crazies this time.
Doctor: That’ll NEVER happen.
Me: I’m done this time. Shit’s starting to get out of hand.
You can go ahead and call bullshit, but ending up with Crazies is not exactly something I go out of my way to do.
Doctor: Oh I bet it is. That’s the price you pay with dating the crazy ones.
Me: It’s a cycle. I’ll go a while without dating for a while, looking for a stable girl, but have no luck. Then, over time, I get tired of this decision and lower my standards rapidly.
Doctor: That’s BULLSHIT. You couldn’t help it even if you tried.
Me: I’m giving my BEST here. THIS TIME is different. I’m DONE for real now.
Doctor: You sound like a smoker trying to quit for the 500th time.
Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. The things he’s predicted that’ll happen in my life are shockingly accurate. It scares the fuck out of me.
Me: Watch me. I can go without dating a Crazy.
Call me ambitious, but I believe it’s possible for me to stop dating Crazies. I’ve defied the odds with my health, why can’t I defy the odds with escaping the wrath of The Crazy?
Doctor: Ha! Good luck with that one.
Yeah… two months later I met Heaven Lee, and that was a new record for batshit crazy. It was like the shadows from below granted her life for the sole purpose of fucking my shit up.
***
My theory is that the normal, functional, stable girl is repelled by the sight of me. Surely they wouldn’t want to get involved with a guy who has the striking resemblance to a CockyDoucheFuckboy. Career down the drain, fallen into psychosis overnight.
But the Crazies? Yep. I’ll walk into a room of 100+ people and I’ll find the Crazy without even trying. I’d love to date a functional, stable girl, I really would. But let’s be realistic here.
I’m not gonna lie – I’m a sucker for a rush of excitement. A thrilling adventure? I’m there. Bad decisions? Count me in.
What’s the worst that can happen? is usually the line I use to absolve myself of making smart, common-sense based decisions. Oh welp.
But for years I had no idea why Crazies kept coming into my life, but a conversation with a friend changed my perspective:
Why you’re being hunted
Friend: You know why they keep coming into your life right?
Me: Uh, because the universe has cursed me.
Friend: No…you’re a kind-hearted person.
Me: That’s a bit of a stretch…
Friend: The Crazies go for someone who is kind-hearted. They know you’ll tolerate their shit more, give them a pass, and be less judgmental.
Me: Hmm…I wasn’t that tolerant.
Friend: Oh really? Then why do you keep allowing them into your life?
Me: Dang, you have a point.
It makes sense. Look I’m no saint. I have my asshole moments FOR SURE. I once made an old lady cry at the post office. I still feel bad about it.
But friend, this is the reason why you’re being hunted. You’re kind-hearted. And a kind heart is a magnet for Crazies.
They know your kind-heart will be more forgiving of their crazy shit. They feel more comfortable around you as you are less likely to be judgmental toward their craziness. And most of all, they feel that they can control you more effectively given you’re a kind person.
YOU are the perfect victim for them. You are the magnet. The Crazy Magnet.
Having a kind heart – every crazy will prey on that. That is likely a reason you ended up with a Crazy – their victims are often people on the empathetic side, those with a good-nature, those that they feel they can easily manipulate
Understanding that your kind nature attracts Crazies into your life is only half the battle however. We need to take a different angle when trying to understand where a Crazy is coming from. They are not like you. They are…
A Different Breed:
One thing you must get past is that the Crazies you’re attracting are not like you – they’re a different breed. You – logical, kind-hearted, empathetic. Crazies – irrational, little remorse, obsessed with controlling others.
Trying to make sense of their actions as if they’re some rational, level-headed person is a monumental mistake. You have a better chance of understanding the psychology of a cat than the mind of a Crazy.
They are wired differently. They are impulsive, volatile, and self-serving.
This means when you’re trying to survive the wrath of The Crazy, you cannot assume they are a rational, logical, empathetic person. They do not share the same nature as you. You must understand there won’t always be an explanation for their actions. You must accept they are drawn to you because they think you give them the best chance to control you for self-serving needs.
One of the Laws of Crazy is they are manipulative. One thing manipulators all have in common is that they are users of people. All people are disposable if they don’t serve them in some way or another.
Your kind-hearted nature makes you the perfect target to manipulate and control Especially since most Crazies have such an impeccable ability at putting on an act – to wear the mask of humility when needed, the mask of empathy when necessary, the mask of saintliness when vital, the mask of self-deprecation when pivotal, along with many more masks – they become the last person to be expected as a manipulator.
They’re good at mimicking being empathetic, caring, and thoughtful but they truly do not embody such qualities. Watch for when things are stressful, when the unpredictable happens – their true crazy nature leaks out, having little remorse toward others.
And to make matters worse, when you discover their manipulative intentions, people may not believe you. They’ve fallen for the act. Under the spell of the manipulator, they will be reluctant to take your side.
This is the danger of such manipulators – once you sense their deceitful intentions, it will have been too late. They will have swayed those around you, leaving few, if any, by your side. Leaving you trapped.
Now moving on from them is much harder, much scarier, much more uncertain. At this point, you may doubt your suspicions. You may rationalize that perhaps you were being too hard on them. Perhaps your gut-feeling of them toying with you, deceiving you, using you was wrong.
Self-respect begins to fade. Your values begin to be compromised. And once this happens, you’ve been gaslighted. Tricked. You were manipulated into thinking you are the problem. This is the greatest danger of manipulators – they treat you terribly, and then get you to think it was all your fault. They are masterful at distorting the truth.
The #1 pitfall:
Your kind-hearted nature is an admirable strength, but every strength comes with a weakness you must face. Being kind-hearted is what can easily get you hooked and make it difficult to walk away from the relationship when you need to. It can make it hard to say no. You’ll want to give second chances, countless times. You see the best in people.
But a common problem is justifying their childish actions, such as…
“He didn’t mean it, he was just angry.”
“She never acts like this, it was a one-time thing.”
Your kind-hearted nature is a double-edged sword – it’s a wonderful quality to have, but if not careful, it can deceive you and allow you to be easily manipulated.
This is the #1 pitfall. People realize they are a target because they are kind so they stop being kind.
The problem with this is twofold:
1) It’s playing right into the Crazy’s hand.
2) It’s submitting to defeat, surrendering your humanity at their peril.
If you sacrifice this positive quality about you, make no mistake – you haven’t won. It’s falling into the illusion that you’ve beaten the wrath of the Crazy, but this is the ultimate defeat. You’ve changed for the worse.
The last thing you want to be is one of those sour, washed-up old hags – those people who always find fault even in the most positive experiences. The people that act like they’ve “seen it all” and as a result are cynical about everything. They stopped living, have no mission in life, and feed on sucking the life out of others because they’re dead on the inside.
You have two options: sacrifice being kind-hearted and become sour towards people, or, you can learn to channel this kind-hearted nature to work for you, even in the face of the wrath of the Crazy.
Redirect your focus
The very quality in you that attracts Crazies can be what protects you from them.
Some of the most kind-hearted people are kind to everyone but themselves. In turn, they defer more often to others, put up with being treated poorly, and don’t fully value prioritizing their needs.
Your task is to channel this kind-heartedness inwardly. You’re already kind to others, now it’s time to be kind to yourself.
Being kind to yourself means you value yourself more and will not tolerate to be taken advantage of. Being kind to yourself also means understanding that your needs matter, and you can comfortably make them a priority without minimizing others.
Being kind to yourself means…
- Setting boundaries with others
- Kindly speaking up if a boundary is crossed
- Saying no
- Prioritizing your needs without taking away from others
- Self-reflection without judgment
- Having a growth mindset over a perfectionist mindset
- Only agreeing to things you feel comfortable with
One thing to understand: when you do these things, a manipulator will almost always try to frame you as a mean/bad/inconsiderate person. This is their “hail mary”, their final attempt to trick you into thinking you’re the problem. If someone does not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you.
When you’re kind to yourself then the goal of the Crazy – to control and manipulate you – will be unsuccessful. Be kind to yourself and you will exude true self-respect, be comfortable saying no, and be above the games others play on you.
Principle: Be kind to yourself to to prevent other people’s attempts to manipulate you.
Your kind-hearted nature makes you The Crazy Magnet. But this doesn’t mean stop being a kind person. It means to channel this positive trait about yourself inwardly so you may not be easily swayed by a Crazy’s games.
Be kind to yourself by not falling for a guilt trip from others when you say no. Be kind to yourself by prioritizing your needs. Be kind to yourself by not deferring to the pressure from others to be liked. Be kind to yourself with the words you communicate to yourself, and the actions you communicate to others.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Confusing being kind with being “nice.”
- Sacrificing your kind-hearted nature.
- Being kind to everyone but yourself.
Key Takeaways:
- Crazies are a different breed. They aren’t as empathetic as they may seem. Their primary incentive is to control and manipulate for self-serving reasons.
- Your kind-hearted nature is a double-edged sword – it’s a wonderful quality to have, but if not channeled in the right direction, it can deceive you and allow you to be easily manipulated.
- The very quality in you that attracts Crazies can be what protects you from them.
Taking Action:
Being kind to yourself is a reflex that is built over time. You will first have a heightened self-awareness of when you could be more kind to yourself and say no to others.
When you notice this, take note but without judgment. Remind yourself you are taking vital steps forward to prevent manipulative people from getting their way. You are taking strides that, most people’s pride will not allow them to do. Never judge or feel bad when you notice areas where you can improve – they are a gem that can transform your life that most people will never find.
Next, the goal is to use this self-awareness to your advantage. Correct any self-talk or actions you notice when you defer to others by being kind to yourself and making your needs a priority. With time it will become second nature.
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Wow. Spot on Julian. You’re so funny about it too. I’m that kind-hearted sucker and fell for the Crazy a few times. Thankfully, wisdom has come along and works with me to identify a nut-job. Being kind to myself so that I can be kind to others was a skill I had to learn. And you hit it on the head. Now, when my girlfriend starts to wind up, I’m able to be kind and not take any crap. I’m not perfect and I give her very few reasons to piss on my rainbow. Sometimes I swear she is just looking for a reason to Crazy-up. So, why do I have to take a dump truck load of it? I don’t. I’m worth far more than having to deal with Crazy. After over 4 years of dating this one, she has learned that I won’t put up with it and it’s a wonderful relationship. We both get what we want and we are both happy with what we get. Treat others the way you want to be treated. If Crazy wants to be treated the same way she treats others, she can go find it elsewhere. I had to explain that to my girlfriend early in our dating. She’s calmed way down and it’s so good.