Ash: I’m on my way.
Me: Ok see you soon.
Ash: Let’s tone it down a bit tonight.
Me: Why?
Ash: You know why.
Me: What’s the worst that could happen?
Ash: Let’s see. A repeat of what’s happened already three times this week.
Me: I suppose…
Ash comes over and we start hanging out. No “toning it down.” No “playing it safe.” Just fun. A couple hours go by, around 2 a.m. and I hear a noise:
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Ash’s eyes meet mine, and in a mere glance we share the same thought.
Ash: Probably UPS guy.
Me: Yuh.
*5 seconds later*
POUND POUND POUND
Probably not UPS guy. That wasn’t a friendly knock. Rude if you ask me.
My body freezes. It’s rarely good news when you have an unexpected visitor at your front door at 2 a.m. My thoughts start racing. Chastity? Trixie? Sapphire? Which ex girlfriend is it this time?
Me: Ash, lock the garage door, I’ll lock the door to the side yard. I think she’s here.
Instantly Ash’s face goes from carefree and ecstatic, to being all business.
Ash: Oh shit.
Ash gets into a full on sprint, locks the garage door, closes the windows, and pulls down the drapes while I locked a door that was five feet behind me. Everything seems set and stone, but then we hear a voice:
Guy: POLICE! OPEN UP!
Me: Wow. This is crazy on another level. You’re tellin me Chastity brought some random dude disguised as a cop for her evil plan.
Ash: Um, Julian, I think that’s an actual police officer.
Me: That is possible, but why risk it?
Ash: Julian, c’mon.
Ash can be convincing like that. We walk up to the front door and to my surprise I see a cop. Instantly one hundred pounds is lifted from my shoulders.
Me: Oh thank God officer. Glad you’re here. I thought you were –
Ash: Officer we’re so sorry to cause a disturbance…again.
Officer: This is the third noise complaint in four nights.
Me: Ohhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaah.
I’m a bit embarrassed to say that once I realized a crazy ex was no longer in the picture I took the situation much less seriously.
Ash gives me a look that says shut the f*ck up all over it.
Ash: So sorry officer. We lost track of time. I know that’s no excuse…
Officer: No. It’s not.
Ash: I know you’re probably tired of coming here. But I promise it won’t happen again.
Officer: This is the last warning. If it happens again I’ll have no choice but to write you a noise violation.
Ash: Ok! Thank you so much!
Officer: Be safe.
…for the record it did happen again.
This was my life. For months Ash and I hung out every night until 4 a.m. Sometimes just loungin around doing nothing, sometimes gettin ourselves into trouble. It took several months of this for me to realize I was living life for fun and nothing else. There was no structure. There was no productivity. There was no discipline.
Ever lived your life so far to one extreme? Something was so important to you that you let it compromise other areas of your life. You’re driven with your goals but it’s caused you to neglect
Trying to fix this, I made the predictable move: I went to the other extreme.
Two Extremes
To be more productive I sacrificed all the fun nights for being structured with everything about my day. Every hour was planned out, and I got a lot of work done, but it came at a cost: It was all routine and no fun. I wasn’t really dating at all, didn’t go out as much, was micromanaging my life which killed the fun and spontaneity. New life experiences were nonexistent.
When we go to the other extreme it doesn’t fix our problem. Forcing something only makes it more out of reach:
People who are obsessed with being healthy set themselves up for health ailments. They become consumed by every health pitfall which only adds more stress and anxiety to their life, crippling the very goal they’re pursuing.
When I stopped having fun in life, I wasn’t having life experiences which is the heart of where my work comes from. Imagine this blog without any stories – it would be far different. Without life experience, I wasn’t growing, I wasn’t living. Taking fun out of my life, thinking it would improve my mission was actually compromising it.
The remedy to this wasn’t to sacrifice one of the two. The remedy to this was to find a middle ground.
The Sweet Spot
Jocko Willink and Leif Babin, co-authors of bestseller Extreme Ownership, committed an entire book, called The Dichotomy of Leadership, to principles that are rooted in finding a middle ground.
Often, bad qualities are often good qualities taken too far. The idea is to not stray too far on one side. Be humble but not passive, train hard but train smart, be aggressive but not reckless, are a few examples of principles in The Dichotomy of Leadership that
Let’s take the be aggressive, but not reckless principle:
If you’re working with a team and you try to do everything then you’re being reckless. Your team won’t take initiative, they won’t grow, and they won’t utilize their unique skill set. And on the other side, if you’re passive and wait for others to step up, nothing innovative, nothing memorable will be created.
The middle ground here is to be aggressive with your objective but not at the expense of allowing others to flourish. Be of assistance and support for others, but don’t do their assignment for them.
When I changed my thinking from extreme measures to more of a happy medium I saw a change. I aimed to accomplish daily goals, but not overstructure my day. I wanted to be in the moment and spontaneous, but not out till 4 a.m. every night.
And when the unexpected, exciting time presented itself, I have to be willing to say that work can wait a day, and fully embrace the moment. Assuming I’d been staying disciplined each day then I could afford to do this.
The unpredictable, exciting experiences, are the best experiences, and finding a middle ground allowed me to fully embrace those moments while not getting me off The Path.
Finding this middle ground gave me a type of rhythm that boosted one another. The structure and productivity opened up time for spontaneity and fun, while the fun gave life to my work. When you find the sweet spot you find your lane.
Finding a middle ground “extracts” the positive qualities of each side while mitigating the negative effects of being at an extreme. You get the best of both worlds – it gives you fun and productivity, structure and spontaneity.
Finding The Sweet Spot
The goal here is not to stray too far on either side. Too far on one
For example, we don’t want to live life being a jerk, but we also don’t want to live life being too “nice” and be walked all over. Being a jerk would compromise the wellbeing of others, and being too nice would compromise your self-respect. The middle ground here would be to treat others with kindness – showing appreciation and respect
One of the biggest factors that interferes with us finding the middle ground is confirmation bias. This is when we’re so committed to a principle that we only search for information that supports it – any evidence that could suggest otherwise is disregarded.
A simple but challenging remedy is to always be questioning assumptions. A big part of learning new things means unlearning current principles you live by. For example, I used to be committed to the principle “focus on your strengths.” But the more I thought about how focusing on our strengths has become overblown, a much more effective remedy came to me.
How do you know if you’re at an extreme?
- If you refuse to look at and consider the other perspective.
- Feelings of superiority to those who aren’t on your side.
- If you reject any evidence or perspectives that go against the principle you’re committed to (confirmation bias).
- There are clear toxic qualities embedded – greed, self-centeredness, irrationality, arrogance, impatience, among many more.
How do you know if you’re in the middle?
- You can identify both ends of the spectrum and show you’re in the middle.
- The principle is backed up by virtuous qualities – empathy, honor, self-respect, courage, patience, integrity, to name a few.
A quality principle is the medium point between two extremes.
For example, we don’t want to be rigid, but we also don’t want to be gullible. On one side rigidity reflects an end to learning and sometimes even elitism, while on the other side, being gullible reflects a lack of conviction, making you a target to be manipulated by others.
“Those who stand for nothing fall for anything”
– Alexander Hamilton
The middle ground is to be open minded – genuinely consider other perspectives without compromising your values. This is anchored by the virtuous qualities patience and empathy – taking the time to understand the perspective before shutting it down.
Moreover, this post talks about the problem of playing it safe: on one extreme, playing it too safe is being governed by fear and a loss of trust in your decisions, while on the other extreme, taking an impulsive risks stems from a lack of discipline.
The sweet spot here is to take calculated risks. Taking a calculated risk exemplifies virtuous qualities – having, the precision to carefully examine all angles, and the courage to trust your abilities under pressure.
***
Principle: Never stray too far on one side. Instead, aim for the sweet spot.
Use this as a guide to the principles you choose to live your life by. Toxic qualities are often good qualities taken to an extreme.
Things are not as black and white as we may think. An all-or-nothing mentality will only divide you from finding real solutions. Finding the middle ground between two extremes, the happy medium, the dichotomy, the sweet spot, is the answer.
Pitfalls to Avoid:
- Fixing an extreme with another extreme.
- Never
questioning your own assumptions (confirmation bias). - Allowing one area of your life to compromise other parts (i.e. pursuing goals but neglecting health).
Key Takeaways:
- A quality principle is
the medium point between two extremes. - Forcing something only makes it more out of reach.
- Finding a middle ground “extracts” the positive qualities of each side while mitigating the
negatie effects of being at an extreme.
Taking Action:
Look for any uses of your time that compromises something you value. Identify this, and brainstorm a solution that is rooted in a middle ground.
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How do you know if you’re at an extreme? Blog comes down to several questions about my night on an average Tuesday night. Extremes can be functional and necessary. For a time. From time to time. Extremes don’t really end. Just evolve.
Within a normal range. Whose normal? :0)
You know you’re at an extreme if other areas of your life are being compromised (i.e. you’re driven with personal goals but at the expense of keeping touch with friends and family). Confirmation bias is another sign of being too far on one side. Also, good qualities taken to an extreme produce bad qualities. For example, planning is a good quality but overplanning breeds inaction.
I believe it starts with continually questioning our assumptions, because if we don’t, we’ll miss out on possible solutions. I’m no expert, but will always be the student, and have much, much more to learn.
nice post i always need more discipline/spontaneity balance. Even with this head knowledge I fail to follow through
I feel you. Simple solutions are rarely easy solutions. I don’t like the concept that people preach we must choose one. When we find an ideal balance of discipline/spontaneity it makes it worth it.
I really like this Julian! The balance between two extremes is sometimes difficult to find but is so important. Thank for putting out such quality posts…I got a little behind but I’m catching up!
Thanks Desha. Yeah it’s never easy. But I think too often people say we feel we have to choose one extreme. I say why not a little bit of both? I think the solution, while not easy, adds most value to our life. Finding the sweet spot is finding your lane.