I’m at a job interview to be a tutor for high school kids and some random guy sits next to me. I realize he’s my competition… He looked like he got dropped off in a tractor. He had a fuckin mullet and was wearing boots to an INTERVIEW. He was probably a rusty 5’8” but…
I took a writing class in college and we were tasked to write about a true story. Some guy asked me for feedback on his work. I don’t want to be mean, but his story was about a fucking hike he went on, and how it was hard. After about 1.5 hours of editing I…
It’s Halloween, and me, Fiona, along with two other guys go to a club in Hollywood called Club Sinister. I wore cardboard from a Coors Light 30-pack, Fiona was dressed as a kitten, one guy was a blunt (who I later learned was a meth drug dealer), and the other, a hot dog (I don’t…
I’m at Barnes and Noble with a buddy and am immediately put-off by some dude I see. He looked like a guy who goes to the strip club just for the food. He was wearing a stained wife-beater, basketball shorts with long black socks, and Nike flip flops. I imagine he provoked endless ‘what-are-you-even-doing-here?’ looks….
I’m working at a health retreat and I hear a hippie voice approach me. She goes by “Serenity Rose.” She had long brown hair that nearly extended to her knees, a paper thin figure, and, you guessed it – smelled like rose essential oil. Serenity Rose: So Julian, what’s your sign? I know what’s coming…
Avery: I feel like I’m destined to do something great! Me: Cool. What makes you believe that? Avery: I’ve always felt like I’m special. Me: Why would you think that? Avery: Excuse me? Me: You think you’re some gift to the world or something? And in a flash, Avery’s face became flooded with this victimized…
I’m at the gym and a friend asks me about deadlift form. Me: I’m not that great at deadlifts, but using a slightly wide stance has worked best for me. Suddenly, some crossfit know-it-all’s head perks up. Crossfit Guy: OH!!! YOU MEAN SUMO! I’m instantly annoyed. What level of Dipshit do you have to be…
I walk into Starbucks and a man is standing next to a chair I usually sit on. Me: Hi, are you sitting here? Guy: No. He gives me a blank stare and doesn’t move a muscle. Usually someone will pick that up as a social cue to allow that person space to pull out the…
Self-checkout used to be really popular, and now I know why. It was way too easy to steal, and I would know. I’ve accidentally “stolen” over $100-200 worth of items at self-checkout. And each time it was a complete accident – I never realized I’d stolen something in the first place. I’d gather all of…
“We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who don’t” – Frank Clark Guy: I don’t watch sports. The Illuminati is behind it all. Me: How is that possible? Guy: All athletes go through an initiation process with the Illuminati in exchange for natural talent. He said it in the way…
