In college, my roommates and I had a “Wall of Shame” that we’d write shameful stuff we did on it. Well, out of my five roommates it was basically 90% me on it. My reputation as The Dumbfuck was quickly established. But…I mean, who hasn’t handed a cop paperwork to a prescription medication when asked…
If I had to give an award to the most ratchet grocery store, it would certainly be Vons. There are always little shits running rampant, customers crying because their coupon expired, lines moving slower than a virgin on prom night. Surrounded by Chex mix, Cheez-its, and Gushers, I realize I’m in the wrong aisle, but…
It’s Halloween, and me, Fiona, along with two other guys go to a club in Hollywood called Club Sinister. I wore cardboard from a Coors Light 30-pack, Fiona was dressed as a kitten, one guy was a blunt (who I later learned was a meth drug dealer), and the other, a hot dog (I don’t…
Whenever I walk into Vons I’m instantly put in a state of anxiety and shock. It’s like walking into the jungle – a bunch of savages with cortisol levels jumping through the roof. Pissed off seniors because their coupon expired. Children who don’t give a fuck if they cut you off. High-strung housewives who’d kill…
I’m at some random house party and find myself having a conversation about nutrition with some guy: Fake Asshole: So how do you know all this stuff about health? You’re sooo smart. Me: Um, just being open to different perspectives, reading different types of books, always learning. Fake Asshole: Wow that’s really smart! His…
I’m at Barnes and Noble with a buddy and am immediately put-off by some dude I see. He looked like a guy who goes to the strip club just for the food. He was wearing a stained wife-beater, basketball shorts with long black socks, and Nike flip flops. I imagine he provoked endless ‘what-are-you-even-doing-here?’ looks….
I’m working at a health retreat and I hear a hippie voice approach me. She goes by “Serenity Rose.” She had long brown hair that nearly extended to her knees, a paper thin figure, and, you guessed it – smelled like rose essential oil. Serenity Rose: So Julian, what’s your sign? I know what’s coming…
I’m walking with a buddy and I hear a group of people behind me cracking up to some guy who we will call “Chet.” Chet: HEY! PRETTY BOY! Buddy: Julian I think he’s talking to you. Me: Who cares? Let’s keep walking. Chet: HEEEEEY PRETTY BOY! OVER HERE! His little posse erupts in laughter,…
I’m at the gym and a friend asks me about deadlift form. Me: I’m not that great at deadlifts, but using a slightly wide stance has worked best for me. Suddenly, some crossfit know-it-all’s head perks up. Crossfit Guy: OH!!! YOU MEAN SUMO! I’m instantly annoyed. What level of Dipshit do you have to be…
I’m at a bar talking to someone I just met. Conversation is going OK, but then a bold statement is made. Her: Hold my drink. She hands her drink to me. Whoa there. Drink holding is a type of commitment I only agree until roughly 7.25 years of dating. She extends her drink toward me,…
